And to all my friends who did well too, CONGRATS! And if you didn't do well, or didn't do as well as you would have wanted, despair not. There are too many doors waiting for you, go ahead and take risks. For what its worth, I believe in you and I know the world needs you, and when you're needed, you can survive. Nothing ventured nothing gained, kiss the girls and make them cry! K salah but it just sounded rhythmically right.
Now, time for my dissection. I will henceforth proceed to cut open my stomach, and detail my examinations. Nah I just want to look at things again and think a bit. I'm doing this for myself, but I'm putting it out here because I want to leave me open and vulnerable. I want people, friends and strangers, to have access to the me. To me, writing it down in a private journal is some form of hiding the truth or escaping the risk of judgement. That's cowardice, and I'm not going down that road. Here goes, you are about to find out what's hidden behind my abdominals. Which are- k nvm.
My grades are far from impressive, especially compared to the 1 in 2 straight A's of my cohort. I'm one of that other guy who didn't get superb results. Here, I'll tell you what I got. Two D's for GP and Physics, a C for Maths, B for Geography and A for Econs.
When I studied for my exams, I studied my ass off, I was really scared. I came in for my papers with enough sleep, water and stationery, and I understood the questions I saw. I had done similar ones before, and I finished my papers with time to spare. I was confident, not overly so, but hopeful. When I took my result slip, I was lost for words. The first thing I saw were the D's at the top and bottom of the list, and they completely overshadowed everything else.
Immediately I had to walk to my waiting father and brothers, and show my slip for examination. I can't really remember what he said, but I didn't feel worthy standing beside him then. Because he gave me so much and set such a good example yet I could not follow in his steps. So I excused myself, and the rest of the detailed story is pretty much arbitrary. Arbitrary details, hmmm...
Strangely though, I didn't actually feel sad. I didn't feel like crying, I'm still thinking if I should cry, but I really don't want to cry. A few significant people have asked me if I want to resit the exams, and no. I don't even see the point. This is what I think:
I really did do my best, even at things I was not too good at. I did say that if I don't get good results, it will be a hard blow. It was a real hard blow, because it sort of told me that my best effort wasn't enough to put me in the same ranks as my peers. That no matter how smart some people think I am, I just could not prove them right. But that disappeared quickly. Why?
God works in mysterious ways.
By His grace, I was given the strength to accept what I had been given. And what I was given was more than a result slip, something in me has been uncovered, or lit, or something. I don't know, but I feel it burning in me, and I think that's the reason I'm not sad. Logically speaking, I'm not proud of my results, and I wish I don't have to reveal them to the people I love. Because I have truly let a lot of people down, even if they're trying to hide it from me.
MOST importantly, I am more determined to do what I want to do in life. There are so many things that I love, and want to excel in, that I now know I have to focus on. And if there is anything you want, you have to will it. Tell yourself that you MUST get it, not that you will try to get it, and the universe will tend to agree with you (thanks, Jonathan Mead). In retrospect, that must have been where I went wrong. I did not say I would get good marks, not deep down inside. It was always 'I'll try my best and see what happens, I'm prepared for the worse'. Saying and believing are two different things.
When you succeed, you take credit. When you fail, you blame external factors. I think that applies to how I treated physics and maths. I still maintain that I'm not cut out for these mathy subjects, because it just takes so much effort to grasp a simple concept. My mind cannot wrap around it, and so I tell myself its okay, I'm not meant for this. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, was a baaaaad move. Unknowingly, I had steered myself towards to lower end of performance in these subjects, and these subconscious loads eventually weighed me down. So if I had done things right, I would have gotten more than a C and a D. In short, I didn't want it bad enough.
But here I am faced with yet other troubles. On my part I am determined to do this and that, and have been making plans all this time. Working towards them, to some extent, and willing myself to my goal. Enter people. These 'people' commonly take the form of human beings in your immediate vicinity. I say that because we don't know what someone becomes when they are out of sight. But I digress.
I may have gotten over my failure. Yes, its a failure in my books. My performance has been a disappointment, and some people cannot hide it even if they try, and even though they said they would accept whatever comes. Worse still, there I sense their doubt in me, in the things that I want to do, and in the person I am yet to be. This is very demoralizing and a near physical barrier in my chosen path, but I have to overcome it. I have to go where I must go, even if it is against the current. Stop and THINK, there are SO MANY THINGS to do in this life. You want to make money? No problem! There are too many avenues.
As much as I may say, I don't think I've fully absorbed the gravity and implications of my results. At some points it seems unreal, even. But that full realization will come some time. But I am very sure that I will always remember this day. No matter what I become in the future, this day and my results will have a lasting mark on me. It can go two ways from here: one, I end up messing up later, and in the midst of my problems I think back and cry over spilt soy bean milk. More protein.
Or, I can tell people oh yeah I messed it up, shite grades and all, but its all cool now. Then these people can either take inspiration at me, or laugh at me. The choice is mine, so I will make it. Then I will have to move in that direction, whatever it takes.
On arrogance: at one point I turned down some job offers because they were too 'mindless' for me, too mundane or boring. I realize now I was arrogant. An opportunity had been given and I didn't take it. In my quest for world domination, I will have to accept anything that can lead me to my goal. That means I might have to do some sai kang here and there, manual labour (which I'm quite comfortable with, its like gymming for work) and probably suffer at my job. Pester people who could help me, persistently show up at someone's office till I get something, take a hell lot of criticism, put in a hell lot of effort.
So that is my future, and that will be how my life will be more and more fulfilled and how I will make the most of the now. And I don't want to succeed alone, I want everyone whom I care for to be happy, and I want to see you happy. NOW. Otherwise I'll SLAP YOU.
Hmmm, I don't know how to end this post. End.
Looking buff: it won't work out if you don't workout
Labels: thoughts