TWAS A SUCCESS! We pulled it off; with barely enough sleep we gymmed our asses off and kicked some butt in the process. Someone's crying for his momma right now. Yeah STILL crying.
The result of it was that I was left extremely tired, hungry and grumpy. And people just have to be irritating when I'm grumpy. Some things that happened, and what I would've loved to say but didn't. Only cos I'm a nice guy *cue: angelic chorus*
Me and my bros ended up at the library, reading. Mak calls to check on our locomotion. I answer her short question in one word, barely loud enough for ME to hear, and already the genius ass librarian senses something wrong.
Immediately says in her best authoritative voice: EXCUSE ME.
WHAT, BITCH? I'm done. You couldn't even hear me talking. Your frickin' 'excuse me' was a hell lot louder, but ooooh that's ok, cos you're a fookin' librarian. OOOOOHHHHHH I'm so scaaaaaared. Oh gosh now look what yeh did, I've wet mah pants! DANG you rock.
But nah I was like: hmm what? as I kept my phone, and she was like 'm oh. ah, ok.' There's only one word for that... and we all know its got to do with female dogs.
Then there's a mother acting all Strict HR Representative, Don't Give Me Shit... with her 8 year old DAUGHTER. Come on give her a break! She's a girl!
Hehehehhe. But seriously, if you ever become a parent, please let your children love you with only love, and not after getting scared shit. It confuses them and they don't know how to react. I know cos I'm still 8 TADUM CHANG.
I found good books today, rilly rilly good books: I, Lucifer by Glen Duncan. Totally love it. Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious by FREUD. FREUD IS THE MAN. The Ninth Circle by Alex Bell. Not sure about this one but the blurb looked good, the typeface was alright, so I'm giving it a shot. The Power of Concentration by Theron Q. Dumont. Hahahah seriously. I think its gonna be good.
Just awhile ago I had to help my uncle (Mama) (yeah that Uncle) (hahahaha yeah I told him) get his contacts sorted out on his new phone. I thought it was gonna be fairly uncomplicated, but nooo Apple likes to shit around with you, and they made iTunes which is a steaming pile of crap (sometimes) and get all Creative with their iPoop.
I was happily doing everything when POOF all of my uncle's contacts disappeared. Only one word was running through my mind, and they appeared as, uh, well... f*** bubbles above my head. I was trying so hard not to think the F word cos its damn unholy so it might just cause things to get worse. Like random lightning strike, exploding speakers. Who can tell. But no it was scary as hell and thankfully Mama sensed what I was thinking. Saved me the embarrassment and stress of having to curse repeatedly in his presents.
I did everything by the book and it STILL fooked up; but in the end all went well and so I know I'll be able to sleep tonight.
AND ALSO! Amazing discovery: when I was in that panicky state, I was TOTALLY normal. In the sense that I didn't speak in any accents, no weird shit, no nuttin' you usually get out of me.
I conclude then that the Billboard me is a sign of total relaxation, when I'm really, uh, well I don't know a good word. Once I stop talking to myself/in foreign tongues/accents/anything you've come across, it means I've gotten serious.
If I've gotten serious, its because I'm: 1) scared shit as hell 2) really too mehh and tired sleepy to give a fk 3) really wanna concentrate on what's going on. This could be if you're talking to me seriously, or someone just caught fire and is running around screaming for help. Be sure I won't start playing the unimpressed Scotsman, yelling things like 'Ahhh yeh wee lad, good for nu'in gob-spi'in fairy-winged twig. Go boast about yer fire sumwhere ELSE now, yeh dipstick.'
I must really sleep now. In yet another level of Altered / Augmented State of Consciousness. Hell I' gonna sto' ehre.
K quickie quickie ttm, barely a few hours of shuteye before gym with my Shifu, Shifu Zul.
For starters, twas hella nice being with 2nd Chance I mean Family again, love you guys. Filzah I know you might deny it, but please consider the remote possibility that you might get older than me 'depending on the year'. Hahahahah. Happy birthday again.
LOLLLLLL CHEF-IQ, I'm cracking up again haahahahhahaaaahahahha.
And btw it was fairly intimidating to be in the presents of TWO cikgus ah. Hwalao eh talk about hidden stress.
Right, moving on. I'll tell you now life is fair, but its undeniable we always get a lot of shit. At my age, the most relevant form of shit is NS. While I've not masok-ed, I've heard lotsa stories. Mine spine doth tingle.
But it might be a strange thing that just awhile ago while doing the dishes, I was made privy to to a section of the Workings of Life. Yes, I was illuminated, I was given understanding of a certain mystery. Washing dirty cutlery... therapeutic, really.
Its also exciting that I now know what the government has known for so long. For 40-ish years that is, since the implementation of NS. NS is where they give you shit.
AND WHY? You might ask.
Crudely put, they are trying to fertilize you. Not in the sexual way, not to reproduce, but in the botanical way.
Yes, gentlemen... take a deep breath... pause now. Then read: ...we are plants.
The government realize that! So what they do through NS, is give us a lot of shit - fertilizer! So that we may grow into healthy adult plants. Then we'll have hugeass fruits, whic- wow that just brought a crude image to mine. I'll stop here.
Today I was pissed of to the MAX again, and managed to keep my cool. No hitting, no shouting, nothing. But I was seething like shit. Then I wondered: how strange it is for me to always have so much fun when I'm out with other people, but come home to family, whom I love dearly, only to be filled with less desirable emotions.
Maybe cos I don't live with my friends hah. But whatever, I think I need that dose of pith everyday else I'll get too happy and become, araknow, likka loozer?
Looking forward to displacing heavy objects. Keep healthy everyone, because HEALTH is STEALTH. Think about it.
You know, I was sinking... maybe floats would do the trick?
I think I owe this to myself more than anyone; previously I wrote about how I enjoy myselfness and anything related to sole-ness, but I left out the important detail of just how important my parents are to me.
Maybe all males feel this way, maybe its just me, maybe its how my dad is. But a LOT of times I find myself loathing him deeply for things he does; these feelings come as and when he does something that conflicts with my peculiar set of beliefs, though. Nothing like bad history whatsoever. Sometimes I really cannot stand the way he thinks or says things, and treats us. I swear the anger I let myself feel is nearly overwhelming, so hot is its core that I sometimes tremble.
The thing is, moments later I loathe myself for ever harbouring such feelings. 'After all he IS my father.' In a book I'm reading now, 8-9 year olds may sometimes feel this way. They are angry with an adult for something that adult has done which they disagree with, yet think could've been avoided altogether. Example: Mike's dad's conditioned worsens, and he is now wheelchair bound. He can't play ball with Mike, and Mike's ticked off; he thinks his father's submitting to a wheelchair is a sign of weakness or a form of giving up. He cannot grasp the full reality of the situation. And later, he'll get angry at himself for hating his father, whom he actually loves dearly!
As a consequence, a child experiencing such an internal turmoil will try to take it out either upon himself or others. Things he might do include isolation, being difficult, or holding everything in till something triggers an emotional outburst.
And like the children I've been reading about, I find myself in similar situations sometimes. (More about this later.) Everytime I get out of my anger, I tell myself never to get in it again, sometimes it works.
But above all, I feel my love for him is getting stronger. Because of the anger? Maybe. One morning I was in the midst of waking up - yeah it takes me some time heh - when I heard something like a voice. In my sleepiness I couldn't make it out, but as consciousness seeped in I identified it as my father's. He was in his room, on the phone. But the moment I realized it was HIS voice, I was filled with a comfort and reassurance, and I felt awake. I just lay there listening to his voice, the tone and speech style I can identify anywhere.
The same goes for my mother. I can be facing the wall, but feel her enter the room and turn around to find I was right. Sometimes I really want to share all my trivial stories with her, but see that she has work, so I hold back. I know she'd listen if I asked, but that'd be selfish. Instead I find that just being in her presence is satisfying enough.
There's this deep bond between parents and children; strongest with the mother, then the father, and then siblings. Whenever I'm around my family things just feel different. I might not agree with everything they do but anything they do, I think they do it best. No one can comfort me like my mother, no one can hold my attention like my father, no one can irritate me like my brothers hahahahah. Ok wait I owe the two of you something better. No one can sit and laugh with me like my brothers.
And like an 8 year old, I realize some of my anger is cause by my disagreement with the way they take care of themselves. Ultimately it boils down to this: I love you and I need you, and so you MUST be healthy and happy all the time. How can that be possible if you're doing all of this nonsense!
Its really selfish at its core: I want you to live forever so that you can be with me. But to some extent, isn't that what family's all about? You cling on to each other even when you're not supposed to, yet you'd give yourself up so that another can survive. 'But what would that person do without me?' 'His life is still more precious than mine.' It looks like a cycle to me, and a magical one.
Which brings us to the issue we must all face in the end. Our time alive is limited, and someone can be taken from us at the least expected moment. It might sound like a bitter fact. I'd like to therefore bring in what Islam teaches. If you're not a believer, it is not your loss, you are entitled to your views. But if it has a positive impact on you, no matter how small, then I'm happy for you. And if you are a Muslim, then I hope you remember; I'm advising myself more than anyone, but it could do you good.
In akhirat, parents will be able to see their children and vice versa, if the children were obedient and fulfilled their duties. Implication: what time you have here you should spend wisely. Your number one love is your mother. So is your second and third, followed by your father. This is what the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. said, and if you reflect, it makes sense on the deepest level.
Siblings are a different matter. What I know, which may not be entirely accurate, is that you won't see them in the afterlife (please correct me if I'm wrong). I gave this a lot of thought, and this is roughly how it went: My siblings are the only other people who are really like me, we share so much in common and we are connected on levels we can't perceive. We do so many things together, and even as toddlers we knew sibling love apart from other forms. So my siblings are a reflection of me, and a gift; they are my best companions in this life, I will never find people whom I can be so comfortable with regardless the situation. That means I must shower them with all the love I can give, so that when we are finally apart, it will be without regrets. Each of us will truly be able to say that 'he has gone to the afterlife where he will be happy, and for that I am happy'. Because you are only truly happy when you know your loved ones are.
In case you're wondering, no, I'm not crying. I'm actually frowning. My glasses are smudged somewhere I think, and I'm up too late for my own good. Stomach's rumbling but fingers can't stop a-typing.
Last thing then: about thinking like an 8 year old.
I don't think we really outgrow the difficulties we faced when we were in our latency age. At whatever point in your life I think you will still grapple with some issues the same way, and to some extent, proceed to solve them in the same way you would've at 8. The only difference is that with maturity comes the ability to step aside and reason out with yourself. Voluntary Schizo Treatment hah.
The whole 'never losing that inner child' is just a concept I'm toying with, even only if its because I still see myself as one, still can think and feel as one. I intend to explore this further in due time. Gosh am I hungry.
Stretch EVERYDAY. Its good for you. Don't even think of not stretching... I'm watching.
Oh no I'm back to my old cycle... OR AM I. I've been able to wake up early though, I wonder if that counts. No it doesn't, because my inner self insists on no less than eight hours of sleep. I just KNOW it when I've not had enough, and eventually I'd just wanna sleep. I usually don't care if something has to be done, unless its really important or for someone.
Speaking of someones. In my post about Disengaging (TADAAAA) I think I mentioned what should go through your mind when you Disengage. Yeah with a kapital Dee, else it doesn't count. I was reading a book today, by Deepak Chopra, something about Discovering Your Secret Side. Soooomething like that ah. Anyway everytime I hear his name I think of:
Guru Pitka of The Ashram. Seen it? The Love Guru? I liked it, I laughed a lot and imitated him for weeks after watching the damn movie.
So anyway this Deepak fella said something about thinking why you're angry with a person. Only after reading that did I realize I'd been doing that all along, but subconsciously. And its because it was subconscious that it wasn't always effective, and I didn't always employ it. Now that I know, I'll give an example from mine treasure box of experience.
As usual, its a brother who is the Irritator. My brothers are really IRRITATING but I love 'em for it. What would life be without someone teasing and insulting and berating you at all the inappropriate times. No, really, whenever I'm not pissed at them, I'm glad they piss me off. So anyway on to the example:
Brother insults my character, linking it to my 'education' and school. Generalizes and describes how I fit in perfectly to the character of the Pompous, Stuck-up, Irritating Elitist Dipshit. I seethe with anger. Then POOF! I BECOME KOKO KRUNCH!
While Disengaged, I think: Wtf?! He doesn't even KNOW what he's talking about! Then I think some more: Wait a minute, he's saying this because he is angry, because of something I did or said. So he wants to exact revenge. He KNOWS enough of me, to know that such an insult would surely tick me off. So he employs his creative powers to conjure the most twisted and baseless remarks I wouldn't want to hear. He probably doesn't mean it, but is damn good at acting... as I've done so myself.
In conclusion, whut? Oh I'm back in my body. Reply time! Reply: oh ok. *laughs hysterically* *walks away* Yeah whatever.
Brother is silent for awhile. He'll sometimes try again, or give it up, but that's immaterial.
In other news I've been reading a bit more recently, and I'm disappointed to say I've only found crap. This Deepak Chopra book was intriguing at first, but then he went into all his cosmic bullshit and him knowing everything in this world - secrets and whatnot - and telling me stuff like: Dear rose, it is because of me that you have colour.
WTF?!
By extension, his reasoning does appear sound: Our sense organs detect shizz from the outside world, then sends chemical and electric signals to our body and brain, and the body reacts. The brain processes whatever it is it receives, and translates it into perception. But think about it, 'does a falling tree make a sound when nobody's around?'. That's what it sounds like to me.
And no, its not because of me the rose is red. Red is what we call that particular resultant form of perception. Colours and whatnot are a result of brain activity, which is based on information fed back from the sensory organs. The sensory organs collected that information from somewhere, which means it was already 'red'. To us at least. To an assumed Higher Being with More Than He Needs senses, the rose may not be 'red', instead C9823KJBivWikel. That being didn't make it so, its just how his body translates it. So its not ME who's the 'creator' here. So I guess that means the 'universe is not in me'.
From a religious standpoint: everything is possible only if Allah allows for it. The fact that I can see the rose is a blessing, that He has enabled me to see. That He has enabled me to perceive a colour. I am not part of the equation, really, just a by-product. But that doesn't mean I'm anything less than the flower! What you are in space or time is immaterial; what you are to HIM is what matters. Who cares if you're the centre of the universe or someone who finally understands and embraces the history and future of the cosmos.
There are ways to achieve spiritual harmony, peace and whatnot. But as far as I'm concerned, I have a religion which tells me all I need to know to be happy, so I follow what I'm taught. NOT FOLLOW BLINDLY, because we are required to think and reason.
Then there's this book Existential Phenomenology. I picked it out cos the name sounded complicated and I'd look smart reading it hahahahhaha. Well maybe, come to think of it. Anyway the topics of discourse were of some interest to me, so after perusing several pages, I took it home. Its only when I sat to read that I realized the bullshit was so damn well hidden.
These fellas use complicated words and sentence structures, weird-ass jargon and cleverly masked logical fallacies and assumptions to assert their points. I'm pretty sure there's some real quality stuff in other parts of the book, but really, I'm entirely unsure if I ever want to get back to it.
The funny thing is, while I questioned what I read, I began to doubt myself. I considered discussing my views with someone, but this is what ran through my mind: No one at home gives a shit about this kinda crap, and they're too busy anyway. It would be impossible to get anyone to sit and read with me, think about it, then critique what I have to say about the book.
But if I turn to my many friends of greater mental calibre, I'm so afraid of being mocked! I'm somehow under the impression that my faculty of reasoning/logic isn't sufficiently fine-tuned to be able to differentiate the Crap Logic from the Mother Complicated Till It Sounds Crap logic. Its how you'd react and think of him when your four year old sibling/cousin/child comes up to you and says he's just figured out how to get a six-pack, by swallowing durian seeds (at one point I was convinced that's how they did it).
[01/10/11 EDIT: Removed picture of faceless bodybuilder]
(Someday, that guy in the photo is gonna have a photo of my body in his computer hahahahhaha. Shit that sounds so fag.)
I've not searched and read enough, but at this point I've seen two types of books:
1) The kind that tells you the really important things, but most of which is common sense, or instinctive. It might just be me, and if that's so, I'm thoroughly grateful. 2) The kind that claims to explore the deeper end of things, but end up only going deep up your ASS. Yah, like a pain in the ass; makes you think and feel a lot but gets you nowhere. That's what those fellas like to do, appeal to your emotions and ask you to 'try this' try that.
Sidetrack: Pain in the ass? Makes you think? Yes it would. You'd think, 'where the *@&! is the pain coming from?! What the hell's going on up there! Down there! ARAKNOW! ARGH!
A lot of times when I sit to read, I start to feel sleepy. I coulda sworn I was cross-eyed at the library just now. This is what its like: read, read, rrrrreeeaaaaddddd, whoa blurrryyyy... WHOA! nearly closed mine eyes... rrreeeaaadddd...*SHAKES HEAD*. Read, read, rrread, rrrrrreeeeee- *mentwl child comes screaming into library* Being on task, the librarian is quick to act: the 'The library is meant to be a conducive place' UNNECESSARILY LENGTHY announcement plays, followed by the UNNECESSARY chime of a digital bell. EVERYTHING: TWICE. REALLY. WHY.
Dear librarian, I frequent your library. Sometimes people make noise. But it gets really stupid when your damn recording plays every so often. Try Tasers, they work great.
Love, Me.
I think that's about it. I'm hungry and my eyes kinda hurt and I gotta sleep. Why do I feel like sighing? NO! SUPPRESS! REPRESS AND OPPRESS! Undress Impress Compress - holy shit that was unknowingly innuendo-ish. This boy must now sleep.
So remember folks, postage is Post Age. Don't think nibbling on food every now and then will satisfy your rumbling stomach; EAT, for God's sake. You'll only get fat if you think fat and live fat. Think about fthat. Hah. Hahahahahaha. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA
[01/10/11 EDIT: Removed photo of me making a mounstar face, hands and face dirty with chocolate]
That was just so you won't be able to sleep for a few nights. Omg its 3:33 now. That's, like, half of 666. Which means...! ITS LATE. TILL NEXT TIME.
Anti Sugar Society: How Our Livers Extract Substances
A lotta coupla things on my mind. First, why is T-Pain carrying a backpack in the 25 for Haiti music video. Second, I published my novel-ish literary creation, you can read it
Please read it if you have the time, it might be tolerable hahaha. This should've been number first, but the song has been playing and sunging in me the entire day, I had to get it out. Of my system.
We could live a simple life (how this phrase has taken on so many other UNmeanings thanks to some beaches), live off the land, sleep on the soil, bathe in the river, chuck dung at your neighbours, fly around on eagles. That kinda stuff. Life is made for us to survive, there's so many ways we can live outside of the stree and problems we've created and dubbed Civilization. But if we do, then we'd merely be existing. Not living, no, just waiting out our time. Doing what's enough to get closer to the day you die, and not accomplishing anything.
Assuming that was the motivation for us to become what we are today, I'd say purely existing is a better option. I don't like the idea that in the course of our journey to some form of greatness, so many other things and people pay a price. There's a balance somewhere that we've missed completely, or its such a foreign idea that none too many have ventured to that centre point.
But I was thinking; sometimes you gotta go too far to either end before you know where the equilibrium point is. HEY I MADE THAT UP MUAHAHAHHAH REMEMBER IT. 'Tis a momentous occasion, this writing seshen.
I'm still not fully integrated into the whole 'living with people' concept. I liked staying up late for the isolation it gave, now I'm reversing it. Gonna sleep early and wake up damn mother early just so I can be alone again, but without the shit effects of my previous habit.
Because I still need so much time to myself, still think and feel best when I know no one's there to bother me. Its not that I don't want my family; there's a certain comfort in knowing that they're here, even if sleeping, and I don't want to trade that for complete isolation. Not so soon at least, there's too many things to do before I can live alone in peace. I won't find peace if my family ain't in it. Haha IN peace. Lol.
In a family, at least in mine, there are assumed rules and predefined responsibilities. My mother has obligations towards her children (or so she might think) and in turn she expects a certain level of something from us. Technically we could do without this structure, because having lived with Mak for so long, and knowing her role in my life AND its creation, I'd naturally WANT to be the best son I can be. But I don't want to be that kind of son because I'm a son. Get it? I want to be that good person because I want to.
There are other things, too. Like the eagerness of family members to 'help' me when I'm doing something. I could be eating something for that matter, and suggestions would come in, on how I can 'improve' that meal. Or what I should be eating, or if I want something else. You get the picture. I'm not unappreciative, but logically speaking, why give so much 'help' when someone doesn't ask for it. Assumptions and hidden intentions aside, its just a waste of time. You could very well walk up to a stranger and ask him if he wants some of your water; not related to you, no, but he's still a person, there's the whole karma concept, you might marry into his family, yada yada. I might not be making sense, but that might just prove my point: the whole family concept doesn't fit with me.
Which made me consider the possibility that I could never live with someone, in the sense of marriage. How would I be able to share so much with ONE other person? She'd wanna fuss over this and that, would wanna know that and more, and will not leave me alone. Sure if I marry then she's the One person that 'Completes Me' (hahahahh Mr Cruise, you and your sappy line). She might even have had me at hello! (HAHAHAH this is too good). But the fact of the matter is, no matter how much I love someone or need them, I still really REALLY like being by myself. Its something you can't take from me, and I intend on keeping it. Studies have shown that I perform better when alone, so you can't say any 'oh but's about this.
But living by myself? The one thing I have to get used to is the fear. I have a vivid imagination, so you know what that entails. Its not a consuming fear, I can battle it easily, but what if I watch a horror film? What if something nasty just happened somewhere else? Then I come home, and its all me. I could start now and deny that I have a vivid imagination, channel myself into a state of fearlessness, but that would take away all the fun in life. And the ideas and stories swimming about in this head of mine. Sooooo, I'll own a lot of pets.
Cats, that's number one. Maybe hamsters. But lotsa animals to keep my company.
Or I could just be the man I am and nut up. Either way its not a big concern hah.
I've also realized why I don't like talking to people much. There's so many things I have on my mind but people either: 1) don't understand 2) are not interested 3) don't have the time
And even if they do listen and participate, it is extremely rare that what they say is of great significance or help. Point to note: when I have big problems then I really do talk a lot to the necessary people, because I'm done asking myself and need new perspectives. That said, my life isn't filled with big problems, so rarely is there a need for consultations.
My conclusion: talk to myself and only share what people want to know, or might need to know. Everything else is largely one-sided small talk. I hate small talk. I'm quite convinced no one wants to sit and listen to my ideas and 'humour' all the time, and even if they try, they won't go away satisfied. That's unfair, and I wouldn't like that. And no, this isn't a plea or invitation for you to start listening to me in case that crossed your mind. For clarification's sake, I'm quite intrigued by my state of mind and perception of social interaction, its an interesting phase I'm going through. Phase or permanence? We'll only know tomorrow. Yeah hahahhaha. K no.
Its interesting how strongly I have grounded myself in my beliefs and whatnot, but I won't be surprised if several years down the line I find myself a completely different person. Who knows, people change, and for the most part, I'm a person. Maybe not the most part, but enough parts.
I'm gonna sleep, early life awaits. Hahhahahahah that's so vague and misleading. Misleading? Yeah I'll settle for that. In the meantime, massage your eyes, it really helps. And oh, I'm experimenting on myself. I'm gonna do this Will thing, and will myself to be: 1) taller 2) buffer 3) smarter
In the later half of today's episode, I will be talking about my... insecurities! Oh, but what! YES! INCREDIBLE!
Well helLOO there, its 3:46 am and I've just begun writing. I know its late Ma, please just give me awhile. Aaaaanyway, I was walking from the mosque, to the library, when my path was blocked by a bunch of small boys. Little kids. Wee laddies, off ter sumwhere else, bu' had ta walk along tha same paaath. I wasn't in a hurry so I didn't overtake. Instead I eavesdropped... but they were talking so loudly I couldn't help myself.
They were having a helluva time and laughing at the stupidest of things. I quote, 'ya I cut my hair. One hair!' 'HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA! I quote again: 'Show them the, the hair! The... the DNA!' And again, laughter. Those kids didn't have to make sexual references, use irony or try to act smart, yet they were happy as hell. Not that I'm implying hell is happy, you know... just that... well...
I went on to judge them. 'They are really young, so they're probably not as intelligent as... us. Yet, at least. And because of that, everything is happy-ing for them.' Which made me think... what's the trade-off when we grow up? Intelligence for happiness? The more we know, the less we'll find DNA jokes highly amusing. Or think that cutting one strand of hair is truly epic. I will not elaborate because YOU get what I'm saying. 'Nuff said. Point made. Booyah.
In other news this video made me laugh a lot, I nearly cried, I couldn't breathe, and the world went bright for awhile. Then I could breathe again, so I watched it a second time. I didn't laugh anymore, and that left me sad...
I hope you liked it because HOPE. Is What We Have. I tried the Avatar game demo and I must say. Destroying a planet never felt so good. Shooting at plants just so they'll explode and release copious amounts of stuff, hearing that squelch, and then getting XP for Total Destruction... life doesn't get much better. I now know why people go to war, make countries go to war, and why Pandora was attacked like it was. It just feels so good. Until you lose a limb or someone you love, then it ain't shit no more. Then it gets SERIOUS and people start getting emotional. So let's leave the warring for the games, eh people? You fat asses behind the wars don't know shit... Don't. Know. Shit. About shit. NEXT.
I still maintain that I enjoy hanging out with me most, and I'm still glad that I'm my best friend. But I'm also glad to have one other thing (amongst many other things) - a place to write. Because you, oh blank sheet of paper, oh internet site... you don't just listen to me. You internalize everything I want to say. This definitely beats talking to someone. Because talking to people can get frustrating, at least for me. I've got a TON of things to say and share, but no one in their right mind would wanna sit down and hear me out. In fact it wouldn't even happen that way; I'd burst out in speech every now and then, and I'm sure that's a lot to handle when you've got better things to do. Maybe that's why I talk to myself a lot... I don't know. OR DO I.
Its also the reason why I like quiet time, like now. Everyone's asleep, all I hear is myself. This is when I think, create, discuss, and socialize with myself. Its when I feel at peace, and I know that no matter what, no matter WHAT, I will listen to myself. I've tried not doing that, but its just too hard to. I can't bear letting me talk to no one, its just so wrong!
And the greatest part of writing, like this blog, is that people, whom I have substituted with my writing avenues, have full autonomy over what they take in. Bored? Scram. Like it? Eventually scram. Didn't understand something? Read it again, maybe ask me. Then scram. Ble your eggs. Add some pepper. Just a little bit of salt. Too little sodium can cause problems too.
AND NOW, ladies and gentlemen, I will reveal to you my *drumroll* deepest insecurities! Ex-insecurities, because I have overcome them. I polarized my choizes. Do YOU know what I'm insecure about? Ever made a guess? Well I'll tell you anyway. (By the way, the first photo of the post, was automatically auraticized. I didn't even plan on it, it just happened. Life is mYstErIOUs...)
Its all about my face. The most obvious being my nose. I mean come on, you'd have to be blind not to notice it from a mile off. Or a couple. You know when I was still in my mother's womb, they did that scan thing, and the prominent features they identified were my nose and my ears. Satellite ears, that's what I call 'em. And proudly too! I hear virtually EVERYTHING, and it sometimes creeps my family out.
But I digress! Relatives testify that I was born ugly. Brown, shrivelled, with an elongated head. Soooomething like that. I was vacuumed out, see. So my head kinda, lengthened. Maybe that explains my intelligence!- or lack of. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
So anyway I've been told how ugly I was when I was born, and how people prayed a lot that I'd change. I'm not kidding. It must've been that horrible. Not ugly like deformed or monster, but the mehhhhhhhhHHHHHHH kinda ugly I think. I don't know, they hadn't invented mirrors back then.
Strange thing the early days were fine, I wasn't bothered about shit. Even in sec 2, when I was a pathetic little Indian boy running around in shorts too loose and shoes so uncool, I didn't give half a shit. But later on, I started becoming aware of this thing on my body... this thing that had been there for so long, yet only now I had begun to place importance in it- wait a minute. ARE YOU THINK- OH MY GOD, how COULD YOU?! So ANYWAY *glares rudely at pervert* *ie. you* *or not* its only in Sec 3-ish that I started paying attention to how I looked. And I realized I didn't quite like it. I'll talk about them features, in no order of realization.
My nose. For years I've been blowing my nose, and snivelling and experienced stuffiness, so that's all I knew it for. Then one day I kinda realized that it was, put shortly, big. And! People helped by pointing it out. 'Eh Fawaz your nose damn big sia'
'How did you know I'm Indian?' 'Your nose ah. Damn big sia'
I laugh now, but back then, I slowly began feeling hurt. Its on my bloody face and I can't hide it, you GOTTA notice it if you wanna talk to me, and I can't do shit about it! That's what I kinda thought. And for so long I felt conscious about my nose, always guessing what people thought when they looked at me. Family and relatives always called me handsome; after long periods of not meeting, they'd gush over how handsome I am. Big boy already, so tall, so handsome! Well, handsome or 'handsome' or hand some. Hand some of that paper over so I can make a mask for you. I even started thinking that they were just being polite. My mother always had nice things to say, but that's the point! She's my mother! She loves me to no end, and loves me for whatever the heck I am or am not.
So I got sad at times. I stared at the mirror a lot, for several reasons. To look at my body, to check out my hair (and not comb it. Wouldn't help much anyway), and to see how best to angle myself such that my nose would appear normal. It really began to bother me and I think that's how I started avoiding taking photos. I never liked photos, the flash and the whatever, I just never liked 'em, but now I had a reason not to like. I was convinced I was ugly, and looked uglier in photos. Maybe its my skin colour or perpetually imperfect lighting, but whenever I looked at photos of me, I only saw my nose.
Think back, recall all the photoshopped photos phoph phme. They all have little or no nose. The voldemort one was an honest experiment to see how I'd look... if I were to have my nose removed. I kinda thought it'd be cool walking around like that. Buuuuut I think that was never a good plan to begin with.
And then came the problem of my teeth. They were never bad, but after so many adult teeth, there just wasn't room. So my teeth got crammed outwards, leading to my overbite. And for some reason, the two front teeth liked my lips a lot. They stuck out, especially the right one... and again, the only other thing I noticed in my photos. And reflections. And when I smiled. And when I talked.
I went to a dentist to get it fixed, but when he told me the cost, my parents and I were like 'oh ok forget it'. What's the cost? Four teeth from my upper row alone. FOUR! TEETH! WtF! And she hadn't even gone to the lower teeth; they were crowded too, but not too much. I still think four teeth is too many. I need my teeth. I LOVE my teeth; how am I gonna get all the protein I need if I can't chew for shit? It won't feel right!
Then my eyebrows! I have a heck of a unibrow and was surprised when some people noticed only after years. Maybe you haven't, meaning you'll take the opportunity of our next meeting to stare. Thanks. You're welcome. And! Muslims can't remove their eyebrows. So no threading or brow burning for me.
All these things were playing in my subconscious AND not-so-sub conscious for a looong time. And I realized it was time to stop. Since I'm changing so much now anyway, why not! And instead of telling myself 'oh look, there are people who are much worse off, so be thankful!', I chose a different route. This:
Better to be noticed or remembered for a big nose than nothing at all. I like attention and being famous and ruling the world, see. And, its so true then when people get to know you and like you for who you are, what you look like becomes irrelevant. Arbitrary. I testify to that because my friends are perfect in mine eyes. Also, whatever God gives us, is for a reason. Be happy, dammit! Not to forget, you are whatever the heck you wanna be. Carry yourself well and shine from the inside, and people will think you're beautiful. NOT THAT I WANT PEOPLE TO CALL ME BEAUTIFUL. Figure of thpeach. Lastly, it doesn't matter if I'm oddly proportioned, or have strange features or whatever; people can tease all they want, but if they really mean it, then they're really dumb. It makes everything a lot easier: I know who the idiots are, who to stay away from. Not worth the time.
In celebration of my newfound confidence and comfortabilitization of myself, I'm posting pictures of me. Feels so camwhorish but its the intention that counts. I was exploring facial expressions, as my captions will explain:
A decent view of my Magnum Lashes. And some back. Yeahhhh, backkk WOOHOO!
Its really still about the back.
I tried to do a Mr Bean but it didn't turn out quite right.
So I did a two-face thing instead. Not too two, but half two. Still more than 1.
This is for all the girls who make that irritating face when its photo time. Also, you might wanna look at the clock at the back. That pink bottle is my powdery escape for when its late and I feel like bathing but don't wanna get wet.
I thought we needed a little manliness to compensate for the previous photo.
I didn't want to sleep so late but now its 5:17. I don't wanna get 'depressed'! Ma said I can get depression if I sleep late. I won't even begin to protest because you NEVER talk like that about what a mother says. They've got this hidden power that they're not telling us about, and I wanna stay on their good side. Mak's good side at least.
And just now, I was trying to nail a handstand. Bapak came out, and said 'Eh careful lah there's glass' Referring to the balcony door a 1m+ away from me. I kinda laughed, thinking it was a joke. Then later he shouted at me again, like really HOI! kinda shout, because he was afraid I'd break the glass. I was a good 2m away, 1.75m tall, and didn't plan on an unplanned front flip. So, uh, thanks for the concern?
Keep the simple carbs and sugars low people, we don't want an insulin party. Keep healthy and stay happy, you wanna live long enough to see flying cars doncha. La'er.
Its weird that I should learn something from Maddox, who entertains by being unabashedly arrogant, hard-headed and narcissistic. He asked, would you continue writing if no one read? He was trying to say, if you are so into something you'd do it because you want to and you can, and you don't give two shits what people think.
Right. I'm gonna remember that. Anyway my ego is still at the door of that gym, so I got nothing to lose. SPEAKING OF! I got my new tub ooofff ppprrrooottteeeiiinnn tttooodddaaayyy... ...mmmuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaahaahahhahaahhahHAH! My life feels so much more complete now...
ANYWAY! Today I'll be talking about emotional selection and my options. Lol yeah my options in life, or the next few years of it at least.
EMOTIONAL SELECTION! Now, what is it actually? The evolution of people and their feelings, like, what, like natural selection? Of course not, why else would I ask. It is plainly your choosing of how you feel.
To some extent, emotions can be uncontrollable and unpredictable. Chemical reactions usually behave like that; you can't force the drop of iodine to remain brown when it drips onto a starch-rich leaf. It just turns blue, and all you can say is 'shit, I thought I had it there...' (well now you have an idea of my limited knowledge in Chemistry).
A lot of times, when something happens, the reaction comes before you can protest. You realize you've forgotten something and you immediately panic.
I think the main branches of unpleasant feelings are emptiness, anger, misery, panic and confusion.I call them unpleasant because they leave you in a less-than-normally-productive state; you don't laugh as much, you might not be able to focus, etc. Anything that prevents you from being the most you can, is unpleasant. But the strange thing is, we sometimes like that feeling. When we're sad we sometimes want to remain in that dark and grimy pit, we want people to look and say 'oh poor thing, he's so sad!'.
Anger, especially. When you're red hot and ready to smash someone's face, you don't usually wanna cool off. You like that rush of adrenalin, that burning rage, it feels so... powerful. The same could go for other 'undesirable' emotional states.
However much you want to stay in that state, when you're out of it, you tend to regret being in it for so long. Uncontrolled anger may lead to remorse later, and prolonged sadness may lead to... more sadness. Example: 'AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! DOWN WITH YOUR FACE! *massive punch* *that guy's jaw shatters* Two months later '*sob* aw man why did I do that... now he *sob* can only *sob* drink soup!!! Oh, God, WHYYY!!!' Another example: 'Ahhh shit why did I waste two months feeling depressed. Ohmy Godddd, I've lost so much time! Now I'm so saddd...'
All of this should be pretty obvious, but sometimes we don't realize it. In short, things could go two ways:
HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION A (I'm all for using big words nowsadays hah): 1 - surge of emotion 2 - where's the regulation! 3 - finally out of it 4 - carry on with life, or go back to step 1
HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION B: 1 - surge of emotion 2- WAIT JUST RIGHT THERE 3 - recalibrate 4 - move on
So how do we achieve that preferred Situation B? Well I can't say I know, but I can suggest what Might Help, and What I've Done (please don't break into song. It just won't sound right in this context).
The first thing I suggest you do is work on your emotions while in a normal state. Think back and identify the kind of responses that drag you down the most. Some examples: someone always says hurtful things, or you constantly miss your targets, you get the hang. Once you know what it is you don't want, you have to tell yourself what you want.
I WANT TO BE RESISTANT TO NEGATIVE COMMENTS.
Followed by,
I WILL BE RESISTANT TO NEGATIVE COMMENTS
You must want it with all your being, want it really bad. No room for nonsense like 'but I'm a guuuurl' or 'but it happens so often I don't think I can take it!'. And never, ever, NEVEVVEVER say you will try.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU TRY IT MEANS YOU ALLOW YOURSELF ROOM FOR FAILURE.
If you're about to be burnt alive in a flaming building do you try to save yourself, or do you GET THE HELL OUT. Yes, you GET THE HELL OUT. Similarly, polarize your mindset: either you want something, or you don't want it. Either you do everything you can to get it, or you don't waste your time with it.
This might just be the hardest part of the process, because it requires you to look deep within yourself, and to remove the cobwebs of Doubt and Unsureness. Things that could help include: - doing it when you're all by yourself. My preferred time is in the middle of the night, in total darkness, when everyone's asleep. - writing everything down, so you make sure you use ABSOLUTE words like MUST or WILL. - talk to someone about it. But PLEASE make sure that someone is sure-headed and will relentlessly whip yo ass if you fall short of doing what you should. Then together with that person, figure out your action plan and make a promise. Why? Because we aaalll know you'll go straight to hell if you break one. Mmhmm, I'm not kidding.
As always, if something is really big to work with, start smaller. Work yourself through increasingly large goals, and before you know it you'll be willing yourself to the moon.
Aye, there is, of course, what they like to call... another method. This one's a little more exciting, and takes some control on your part. I call it Disengaging. Its literally just that, you disengage yourself from the situation, then take some time to let the feelings evaporate, then go right back to being AWSM (HAHAHAHHAH).I have taken the liberty to draw you an explanatory diagram (please click):
(Rate five stars if you liked that!)
The principle behind Disengaging is fairly simple and scientifically proven. When you separate your mind from your body, the current overwhelming emotion (an intrusion, for it blanketed you from elsewhere) is left floating in the middle. When the wind blows, and the wind always blows, your body will not move because it is too heavy. Your mind stays put because You Are In KONTROL, but the feelings have nothing to hold them down, so they fly away. Thus you may return to your body, and enjoy the feeling of unfeeling!
What really happens when you disengage, is that you attempt to isolate your reasoning mind from the rest of it. Its like looking at yourself from someone else's eyes. To an observer, your eyes may take on the look of someone who is daydreaming, because you really are replacing physical vision with the metaphysical. When you disengage, this is more or less what should be going through your mind: - your posture; how are you standing/sitting? - take in some details of your surroundings - if something is the problem, look at it in its base form. An idiot becomes a person, a result slip becomes a piece of paper, etc.
The whole idea is to run solely on logic and reason, which could be just temporarily blocking out your emotions. But I find once you establish the basis of your proceeding steps, it becomes significantly easier to think rationally. Rational is what you want. Rational is control, strong emotions are waves that push you about. As much as you might be able to calm yourself down, it is not entirely impossible that some residue of the strong emotion might remain. You might feel its presence even while reasoning out, or it may come back to haunt you later.
My personal experience: collecting my results slip. I managed to block out all negative feelings for an appropriately long period of time. Still I could feel the disappointment tugging somewhere from deep inside. And some time later, I was completely down; I had to sit and think for so long before I could move on again. Even then, the negativity was not completely gone. It took time, and help from amazing people, before I finally rid myself of it all. In fact today I got into a heated argument with someone, and he hurled a sharp insult with regards to my results. My overall performance for said exam was reduced to the level it leaned closer to (eg. if heavy is 80 and light is 20, my 50 is rounded up to a heavy), but lo and behold, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Which kinda fits in nicely with my next topic: OPTIONS
I'm just gonna list every path I've been looking at, because I like to be judged like that. Hahahahhaha. But araknow, it may help someone figure something out, or someone could point me in a better direction. Life's so much better if everyone helps everyone out, eh.
I'm in the process of applying for every scholarship that I would've applied for if I had gotten stellar results instead. This goes for my university apps too.
If I get a scholarship, Alhamdulillah. If I don't get one, here are my options: 1 - Save up what I earn from NS. That will be more than enough to cover a year of education. Do well then, and apply for a mid-term scholarship. 2 - Look to the Civil Defence for one. I believe good character, the spirit of trying everything and a little networking can get you places. 3 - Get a move on with my writing, I could make an income out of it if I work hard enough. About which: YOU can do ANYTHING you want if you WORK. HARD. ENOUGH. Moving on: improve my singing and get someplace with it. 4 - Give up and cry. Hahahahah nah just joking.
If I get into a university, Alhamdulillah. If I don't: 1 - Use the time I have to study my ass off for SATs, then take 'em. 2 - If that's not enough to get into a local uni, then I'll have to go abroad. 3 - Sign on in the CD. From what I've gathered, they have sent people off to study, all costs covered, plus the pay they would get if they were working. 4 - Be brave and become the next Jonathan Mead.
[REMEMBER: In your applications or essays, don't just state what you've achieved. Sell yourself. Make it sound as impressive as it was. You didn't just emcee a show. You emceed a prestigious concert attended by distinguished members of the arts fraternity, and hundreds of students from across the country. SELL YOURSELF, but don't lie.]
Wherever you are in life, whatever it is that happened, there are always numerous ways you can keep going. Life was made for us to live in, so LIVE it. God is great, and has designed everything to aid us in leading a meaningful existence. All you have to do is open your mind, be brave, and have faith in Him.
Sometimes though, you might do everything right and everything turns out wrong instead. Then remember these: 1 - The bigger the person, the bigger the challenges. If you are faced with monstrous challenges, it only means you are one heck of a person. It does not matter if people see you as a loser or a pauper or whatever. What you are in His eyes... now that's what counts BIG TIME. 2 - Life. Is. Fair. There is harmony and balance in everything. If you don't get it good now, you will soon. If not in this life, then in the next. That is guaranteed.
All of us have the capacity to live each day to the fullest. ALL of you are important in this world, so start treating yourself as an important person. In a good way, that is. Drink plenty of water and stop eating before you're full, and you're on your way to a better body.
I'm supposed to be in bed (oh GOD its FOUR) but again I'm up. So I figured I'll do this post.
I just had my dinner. While preparing it, I had to handle some cheese. That made me think of France, which in turn made me think of... Monty Python and the Holy Grail (do YOU know why). And my favourite character is the Enchanter and his excessive fireballing. At ALL the right times.
[Just returned from a Monty Python break. 4:30am]
And it was while preparing my meal that I found out why the cheese had tasted and smelt funny for some time now. It expired in December last year. A GRRAILL!!? Well anyway I had a new packet, so all was well. The expired cheese is still in my fridge; I don't think previous occasions of its consumption was accompanied by any stomach discomforts. So I will check with Mak, check how safe it is to keep eating it. Yes, it is strange now, isn't it.
The rest of this post will be splat into two parts: PART I: My Hidden Insecurity PART II: I've Gone Mentwl
Part II is actually unrelated, I just feel like writing something a post-apocalyptic world dictator might be reading to millions of citizens wired in to some propaganda network.
PART I
I had gone through my stuff previously, but the mess that lay in its wake (not much of a mess actually) warranted a second cleaning. And thus began the arduous process of whatever. Then I came across thick files of worksheets, notes and practices, which I decided to keep from my first cleaning run. A few of them were from my secondary school days. So I thought to myself, wo' in the world would I want to keep them for? My brothers? Downright impossible! They have enough notes of their own and won't have the time for mine!
So I questioned myself a little more. There was something unsettling about the way I had convinced myself to keep the worksheets. I then tricked myself into answering me:
I kept all those files of work as evidence. In the remote case someone were to stumble upon them or request a viewing, I'd have these worksheets to show. Show what? Show that I had really studied a lot and tried a lot (there were so many pages of corrections and self-simplified explanations and redone questions). But why would I want to do that?
Because my GRRRADESSS were not up to scratch, have never been, and so I feel a need to have backing for when I exclaim: 'But look at all I did! I put so much effort into it yet I screwed up!'
No, Fawaz. That's not the entire truth. Yes you put in effort, but it was never as consistent as it should have been. You had your off seasons, and you had your collection of cobwebs. But whatever the reason, or however much you DID work, the fact remains, You Screwed Up Academically (why did I think that could have been shortened to YMCA...?).
But it wouldn't matter, since I've got a direction, options, and whatnot, right?
WRRRRRONG!
'Tis true, I tell so many people that grades don't matter to me. They don't, practically worthless. 'Tis true, I don't judge others by their performance in school. And whatever else you could say, is, probably true. But after so many years of being around normal but intelligent people, I can't help but ask myself,
What do I have to prove my intelligence?
What, that I was in RI? RJC? BAH! All of that was because of my surprisingly good PSLE aggregate, a blessing from God. But what else do I have? Nothing! The occasional high-scoring paper is NAANSUFFICIENT! So, how now? How? I'll tell you how. I'll tell you that even as I try to tell people how to look on the bright side and how to this and how to that, there are plenty of times when I feel downright dumb.
Strange thing is, sometimes its made worse by my intelligent friends- but not their fault! Its only because I ask myself why these people still hang out with someone like me. But of course I know the answer. They are fair and just people who don't judge others. And they appreciate their friends for who they are, because these are really nice friends I have.
But nothing can stop that leech in me from occasionally sucking dry my supply of self-confidence. I know all the answers and I have it all reasoned out, but its like a biological reaction that I can't control. Like a knee-jerk test?
Only its not.
If this is truly my mind and my life (well why WON'T it be) then I do have control over these things. So all that I have to do now is find a way to access the depths of my conscious, subconscious, I really don't know what conscious, and turn off that stupid inconvenient mechanism.
In addition to that, I need to move out of this state of limbo. Need to progress, and produce something of value. Because the fact remains that I won't be able to will myself to make a change if there's still a whisper in my head, reminding me I have nothing to show.
The worksheets? I threw 'em all away, threw everything that I thought I was keeping for 'evidence', threw everything that I would not need to look at again. It felt goooood. Until I started sneezing from all the dust. Wherefrom. I wonder. Not exactly. But nvm.
All of that didn't turn out as epic and fluent and hwow as I wanted it to, but I will leave it at that. My eyes are tired but I just wanna keep going. And you know what, I'll save PART II for some other time. I'm not in the mood to impersonate a mind-bending evil ruler. Instead I will attempt to describe how I feel now; by doing so I remove the emotions from me, and place them out here for you to see. And for me to look at and think about. For some reason it works, these feelings don't bug me after I've gotten them out and looked at. Try it yourself! (ala Art Attack style).
Anticipation turned to shock to disappointment to a lingering feeling of emptiness, which is probably the reason behind my wakefulness. A subconscious message that I haven't gotten something done, but even though I can't do it now its still an Undone in my mind. Like a two-bit processor, a No is a No and nothing can progress till the No is resolved. Two bit, right? And two-bit? That's a nothing-nice word, right. Right. The depths of my mind are reaching and probing darkened areas as I consciously process other things, but its not disturbing. Merely... queer. Its something rather new, so I'm letting it have its way and share of mind-space. Besides, I've consciously aided in their efforts, just to see where its all going and where it originated, and I must say I'm mildly surprised. Things don't turn out as planned, do they.
What is hunger. What is hunger when it can be cast aside for so long and without the slightest thought of treatment. Now that's not hunger. Its an evolution of my digestive tract, metabolism and biological makeup as a whole. Because I have been implanted with microscopic soldiers and phantom steels that fill my bone and fuse with muscle to make me LOATHE THE LACK OF SLEEP THAT I HAVE BEEN SUBJECTING MYSELF TO BYE
Its not what its not if it ain't not what it is, isn't it
I have a strong belief in what I want to be and how I can live my life. I know people who love me and who will do anything for me. But sometimes the two don't go hand in hand. The problem is not in the ideas or people. Its everything else.
To some extent people have become conditioned to accept a certain spectrum of possibilities. As you would expect, this spectrum is not exhaustive, so there are many other options that go unseen. Sometimes it cannot be helped, sometimes it cannot be changed. So to solve this you don't look to them, but to yourself.
What do I mean?
There's two parts to this equation. The Internal and External components. The former is entirely in your control; there's no one else you can blame if you don't work it out, and you can change every bit of it. The latter is a bit tricky, and may seem uncontrollable. But it can be regulated. This is where the element of You comes into the picture.
Instead of submitting to the will or effects of external factors, you can choose HOW MUCH gets through to you, and how the rest will affect you. About the first point: some things you do warrant the intrusion of a foreign idea. The solution is simple: avoid these situations. If, from experiences you've learnt that talking to a certain someone gets you nowhere or leaves you feeling dissatisfied, then don't talk to that someone about that certain something.
Sometimes there are mental barriers in the way, that may prevent you from taking that course of action, or cause you to overlook it completely. For example, you may have the preconceived notion that you must share everything with your mother. Or that you have to tell your family something because you already told it to your friend, and since family is one up, everything that lower parties receive, the Family must too.
But why?
After all they are people too. They have emotions and different ways of thinking, just like everybody else. Someone's role in your life does not come with predefined eligibilities or liabilities. Ultimately YOU have the choice of who you want to talk to. So take all the time you need to find people who can understand you on different levels, and can relate to your different needs.
That way you remove yourself from a position of guilt-induced-disappointment, and allow yourself to grow. Your growth is important, because it is beneficial for yourself and everyone you come into contact with. Let me try to sum it all up below:
- Find out what you want to be - Take time to look at it in detail, refine it - Work yourself into the person and state poised to reach your goal - Be selective and smart about your interactions with people - Grow! (by the Whey, protein supplements help)
There are many intermediate steps, and you might even have to rearrange the order to suit yourself. But that's the beauty of it, there are no rules. You get to decide what happens, but only if you believe in it enough. Personally I would say you should pray a lot too because ultimately its in His hands, but for now I'm experimenting with leaving religion out of the discussion.
On a side note, if you happen to talk to Fadhilah, be careful. I discovered recently that she has an unexplained fear of boats, though she chooses to disguise it as a blatant stubbornness to say it. Please, do her a favour and stay off the topic of marine transportation the next time you converse with her.
About the title of today's post. Fauzan had a blue glove with him today, and we all know what to do with gloves: inflate 'em. He called me from the other end of the house just to show it to me, and for some reason I found it very funny. I lolled, as in 'HAHAHAH!' though I think I sounded more like 'AHYG HYG HYG HYG!'. Araknow, sound it out, it might come close to my laughter. Its nice being happy, isn't it? ISN'T IT?! YES. I wasn't shouting, I was just being... passionate.
From now on, everytime I mention 'Jonathan', I'm referring to Jonathan Mead has an Illuminated Mind.
Something he wrote make me think a bit. Don't write a post unless you have something good to offer. While I'm not running a blog business, I think its still sound advice.
I have planned a post about insecurities, overcoming them and whatnot. But I know too well I shouldn't attempt it now, I'm running on empty. While its still not too late, I should get to sleep and set my body clock right.
So its just gonna be a quickie for today. A broken piece of jewellery and a piece of broken jewellery. Inspired by the piece of broken jewellery I stepped on this afternoon. This afternoon. This DAY was a good day, Alhamdulillah. So many people were nice, and it made me want to be nicer to more people. I hope I made someone's day, and soon I'm going to make my dinner. Gosh I haven't eaten.
I was out the whole day today, mostly alone, and strange enough I call it 'quiet time' (I had to spell and respell quiet five times. Motor and mental functions not in tiptop condition aye). Sometimes I need a break from the house and from people.
Sometimes I find that peace in writing, in a game, reading, or in a quiet place. But the first few aren't potent, and being in a quiet place detached from familiarity is somewhat hard to accomplish. So instead I go to crowded places, with too many people than there should be. Because in the sea of people, no one bothers about me. People pass me by. Maybe look at me for a bit, but they really don't register much. In the mass of strangers I am anonymous, and while I am seen, I am not noticed. I like that.
Sometimes I run into people, and while my initial response is apprehension and disappointment (because then I won't be alone anymore), I almost always go away from the encounter feeling happy, maybe even looking forward to meeting someone else.
But it doesn't matter. Sometimes you need your space, and you deserve it. There's plenty of room to go around, so take your fill. I'll talk about something more substantial soon. In the meantime, please drink lots of water and apply lip balm in the morning if you have dry lips. GRATE!
Latest army initiative: Work from home! Now, soldiers are testing a new programme which offers them the ability to wage war - from the comforts of their homes! Leaked plans included a Counter-Strike-interface warfare program, turn-based fighting, and live webcam chats with enemy forces.
I know what it is I've not been getting enough of: ultra-manly-dirt-in-your-face-scuffed-elbows-bruised-knee-drenched-to-the-skin time. The closest I got to it (in recent times), was a coupla hours ago. It started raining heavily and so I had to close all the windows. Yeah...
But! As life would have it, my path was not a smooth one. Enter: parents' bedroom. The windows were already closed, yep, but in the wrong configuration. What does that mean? Well I'll tell ya what it means! The window has 3 sliding panels, each in front of the other. So to achieve maximum closure, they must be in a specific arrangement. Alas, and obviously, they were not.
I could feel and hear the whind whining hand whistling through the small gap in the incomplete window closure. I thought for a second, then was quick to act. But even with flawless technique, a significant gap had to be present, through which generous servings of rainwater and cold wind were served. My torso was the fortunate recipient, the sudden onslaught of chilliness a welcome sensation. I would have stood there longer, but the room was at risk of being wetted. Thus concludes my epic adventure.
SO I NEED ANOTHER ONE!
Buuuutttt in the meantime I want you to read all these things, from comixed. Click, please. They made me laff, I hope you laff tu.
Alhamdulillah, all is well. I've gone back to being upside down, it has helped my head. I have not had enough chicken, I'm so going to the market tomorrow. With Mak. Mother and son time, *applause*!!!
Today's headlines:
Psychic Exhibition at Town Square Was 'Mind-Blowing'.
EXCLUSIVE! I will tell you all about my 2s2p.
If you scroll down a bit you'll see a photo of me naked. I'm not really naked of course, but in H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds the author described himself as 'being naked' when he stumbled out of the collapsed house (I think) without his shirt on. If he says it then it must be right, right? Riiiiiiiight..... I think I'm losing it, I don't post these photos here and I hide them very well in my com and phone, but right now I'm really too hungry to think. I so wanna eat but that requires me to stand up, WALK TO THE KITCHEN. WALK okay, WALK. Then I gotta find something to eat. But that's not the end, I'll have to feed myself, and chew, omg chew, this is already starting to feel tiring.
Or is it.
The mysteries of our world are still quite... mysterious.
I will get a proper mic soon, and I will learn to sing better, and I will sing more. Then I'll create nanobots and send them through email, and they'll force all of you to... well I don't think they can come out of the email, into our physical world. Hmmm, Hrms, Hermes.
Why are my pants worn so high? Aurat beb. Wow I'm really doing this. If you're a lady reader, now's a good time to close the browser. Otherwise you're a PERWERT! You hear me! A PERWERT! PEE YEE YARR DOUBLEYOU YEE YARR TTI.
Well actually the highlight is how I think my less-haired head makes my body look bigger. But looking at the photo again... you can't see too much of my head. Oh it'd be great too if I had a goatee and red eyes and spikes that shoot from my arms. Next step in my adventurous life is to go skinhead.
Enjoy your lives everyone, you are important in this world. You ARE. And that is why we refer to ourselves as 'I'. It is an ancient Anglo-Colonustrum word that means 'mother of all Importants'.
Results today! But first I would like to offer many doses of Congradulat-3 pills to Haris and Haliim for their AHHSUM 8 distinctions aka super results aka damn good grades aka Sama-Sama Belajar, Sama-Sama Cemerlang Part II. The two of you are destined to be great people in our world, I will now proceed to build altars in your honour.
And to all my friends who did well too, CONGRATS! And if you didn't do well, or didn't do as well as you would have wanted, despair not. There are too many doors waiting for you, go ahead and take risks. For what its worth, I believe in you and I know the world needs you, and when you're needed, you can survive. Nothing ventured nothing gained, kiss the girls and make them cry! K salah but it just sounded rhythmically right.
Now, time for my dissection. I will henceforth proceed to cut open my stomach, and detail my examinations. Nah I just want to look at things again and think a bit. I'm doing this for myself, but I'm putting it out here because I want to leave me open and vulnerable. I want people, friends and strangers, to have access to the me. To me, writing it down in a private journal is some form of hiding the truth or escaping the risk of judgement. That's cowardice, and I'm not going down that road. Here goes, you are about to find out what's hidden behind my abdominals. Which are- k nvm.
My grades are far from impressive, especially compared to the 1 in 2 straight A's of my cohort. I'm one of that other guy who didn't get superb results. Here, I'll tell you what I got. Two D's for GP and Physics, a C for Maths, B for Geography and A for Econs.
When I studied for my exams, I studied my ass off, I was really scared. I came in for my papers with enough sleep, water and stationery, and I understood the questions I saw. I had done similar ones before, and I finished my papers with time to spare. I was confident, not overly so, but hopeful. When I took my result slip, I was lost for words. The first thing I saw were the D's at the top and bottom of the list, and they completely overshadowed everything else.
Immediately I had to walk to my waiting father and brothers, and show my slip for examination. I can't really remember what he said, but I didn't feel worthy standing beside him then. Because he gave me so much and set such a good example yet I could not follow in his steps. So I excused myself, and the rest of the detailed story is pretty much arbitrary. Arbitrary details, hmmm...
Strangely though, I didn't actually feel sad. I didn't feel like crying, I'm still thinking if I should cry, but I really don't want to cry. A few significant people have asked me if I want to resit the exams, and no. I don't even see the point. This is what I think:
I really did do my best, even at things I was not too good at. I did say that if I don't get good results, it will be a hard blow. It was a real hard blow, because it sort of told me that my best effort wasn't enough to put me in the same ranks as my peers. That no matter how smart some people think I am, I just could not prove them right. But that disappeared quickly. Why?
God works in mysterious ways.
By His grace, I was given the strength to accept what I had been given. And what I was given was more than a result slip, something in me has been uncovered, or lit, or something. I don't know, but I feel it burning in me, and I think that's the reason I'm not sad. Logically speaking, I'm not proud of my results, and I wish I don't have to reveal them to the people I love. Because I have truly let a lot of people down, even if they're trying to hide it from me.
MOST importantly, I am more determined to do what I want to do in life. There are so many things that I love, and want to excel in, that I now know I have to focus on. And if there is anything you want, you have to will it. Tell yourself that you MUST get it, not that you will try to get it, and the universe will tend to agree with you (thanks, Jonathan Mead). In retrospect, that must have been where I went wrong. I did not say I would get good marks, not deep down inside. It was always 'I'll try my best and see what happens, I'm prepared for the worse'. Saying and believing are two different things.
When you succeed, you take credit. When you fail, you blame external factors. I think that applies to how I treated physics and maths. I still maintain that I'm not cut out for these mathy subjects, because it just takes so much effort to grasp a simple concept. My mind cannot wrap around it, and so I tell myself its okay, I'm not meant for this. THAT, ladies and gentlemen, was a baaaaad move. Unknowingly, I had steered myself towards to lower end of performance in these subjects, and these subconscious loads eventually weighed me down. So if I had done things right, I would have gotten more than a C and a D. In short, I didn't want it bad enough.
But here I am faced with yet other troubles. On my part I am determined to do this and that, and have been making plans all this time. Working towards them, to some extent, and willing myself to my goal. Enter people. These 'people' commonly take the form of human beings in your immediate vicinity. I say that because we don't know what someone becomes when they are out of sight. But I digress.
I may have gotten over my failure. Yes, its a failure in my books. My performance has been a disappointment, and some people cannot hide it even if they try, and even though they said they would accept whatever comes. Worse still, there I sense their doubt in me, in the things that I want to do, and in the person I am yet to be. This is very demoralizing and a near physical barrier in my chosen path, but I have to overcome it. I have to go where I must go, even if it is against the current. Stop and THINK, there are SO MANY THINGS to do in this life. You want to make money? No problem! There are too many avenues.
As much as I may say, I don't think I've fully absorbed the gravity and implications of my results. At some points it seems unreal, even. But that full realization will come some time. But I am very sure that I will always remember this day. No matter what I become in the future, this day and my results will have a lasting mark on me. It can go two ways from here: one, I end up messing up later, and in the midst of my problems I think back and cry over spilt soy bean milk. More protein.
Or, I can tell people oh yeah I messed it up, shite grades and all, but its all cool now. Then these people can either take inspiration at me, or laugh at me. The choice is mine, so I will make it. Then I will have to move in that direction, whatever it takes.
On arrogance: at one point I turned down some job offers because they were too 'mindless' for me, too mundane or boring. I realize now I was arrogant. An opportunity had been given and I didn't take it. In my quest for world domination, I will have to accept anything that can lead me to my goal. That means I might have to do some sai kang here and there, manual labour (which I'm quite comfortable with, its like gymming for work) and probably suffer at my job. Pester people who could help me, persistently show up at someone's office till I get something, take a hell lot of criticism, put in a hell lot of effort.
So that is my future, and that will be how my life will be more and more fulfilled and how I will make the most of the now. And I don't want to succeed alone, I want everyone whom I care for to be happy, and I want to see you happy. NOW. Otherwise I'll SLAP YOU.
Hmmm, I don't know how to end this post. End.
Looking buff: it won't work out if you don't workout
I just completed Half-Life 2. I'm still in something of a daze, now I need to buy the Orange Box.
Results this Friday, after Jumaat. Initially I was hoping it would be in the morning, so whatever the outcome I could run to the mosque and have quiet time. Now I'll just have to pray while I pray. Hahahhahahhaha.
I'm testing this, uploading a word doc (initially saved as .docx) that has had its extension changed to .jpg. If blogger will upload this photo, then anyone can download it then change the extension, and read it.
If that works, then you'd wanna know what its all about. Twas a favour for Mother. EDIT: ah damn it doesn't work, 'your picture is corrupt'. No YOU are corrupt now SHUT UP. Back to the drawing board then. Go far in life, everyone.
I have taken the liberty to draw you an explanatory diagram (please click):
