Alhamdulillah week one of THT HIT 2nd Cycle has passed without incident. The pain is still there but its been manageable. I'm now pretty sure my immediate goal is to get as big as Shifu Zul.
I'm very motivated to get my diet in control, as I've also realized where all the fat is now: obliques. Its damn indian I think, to have fats there and not anywhere else. The front has been compromised a little but not as much as you would think if you'd known how much fat I'd gained. Then again even I don't know that.
I was about to say: I really can't wait to ORD so I can spend a lotta time with my family. Then I thought: NO. Why wait, amma make it happen now.
I really like being around my family, so I'll make it happen. When I can come home I will, when I've had enough sleep I'll wake up so I can live properly with the people whom I love. There's so much to look forward to and I'm so happy, Alhamdulillah.
Once in awhile I can feel it again, that sorta burning feeling in me, like an anticipation or excitement of something big. I want to achieve something like that, to have a big impact on people whether they know its me impacting them or otherwise. The money part I'm still not so sure: do I wanna have a lotta money? Or just be comfortable living like this now. What's sure is that as long as I have enough for everyone's basics, I'm happy. That's the 'minimum pay' I want to make. Whatever Allah gives me I'll accept, however much or little because He knows best. There's a lot to be learnt from people who get so little yet are so happy.
I want to be that kind of happy, and be able to help others feel that way.
Something got me thinking, and I'm still trying to figure out if its true: When you dislike someone, you'll start to find everything they do irritating. Irony is I saw this on 9gag!
Take your vitamins, drink lotsa water and eat your veggies. Stay sharp everyone! Be happy you're alive.
I got food poisoning! While its not something I'm all 'AW HEUL YEAHHHH' about, it was an interesting experience. Now that its passed, I'm glad and I hope you don't have to experience it too. But we're all gonna get it sometime...
Anyway it was so freakishly awesome because it struck sometime at night and it came to a point where I couldn't go back to sleep cos every time I thought of leaving the toilet my stomach would churn again and I'd have to sit back down. This cycle of sit stand sit stand (don't forget the purging in between) and lack of sleep got me really dizzy and light headed and I thought I was gonna pass out in the bathroom haha. I was standing there holding the towel rack just waiting for the feeling to come again, then I felt like Whoa, I almost fell asleep standing, then oh wow haha light headed heh. Twas truly an epic night.
And then there was the part where I threw up. It was so sneaky! I thought it'd feel really obvious when I had to throw up but noooooo it chose to slowly creep up on me when I stood near the bowl. I really tried walking to the toilet bowl and then away, and the feeling came and went! Dafreak??? So I decided to just let it all out, since it kinda felt like everything was waiting for a chance to come out anyway. After a few minutes of pre-retching I finally threw up and it kinda hurt. My throat-thing something contracted so hard I couldn't breathe for awhile, dunno if that's normal, but it was funkay. Then again I threw up, this time epic Merlion-style, AND MID GUSH I did a double combo thing and my throat-something contracted further and WHOOOSH COMBO STREAM! and it was such a hard contraction that it bent my body forward, enough to cause the awesome jet of food to hit the rim of the toilet. So there was a mess. And in my mind I think I was like haha shit now I have to clean that mess up.
I felt better after puking, cleaned everything up, then ko-ed. Ahhsum.
Fast forward to when I was in the plane and we were approaching the airport. For the first time in my life, I looked out, saw the lights of my homeland and wasn't all that thrilled to be back. Feelings of insincerity, impatience, rudeness, concrete, and whatever nonsense greeted me. Its not that I felt them, I got the vibes of em. That's just the signals I get from the locals here. Sad, really. And face it, sometimes we gotta count on the foreigners to bring the element of chill or patience to our otherwise demanding and incessantly whiny Everything.
And yeah my back hurts again, owch. Its mostly this one point that ZINGS when I bend over, and otherwise its general discomfort in the lower back when I lie and try to totally relax my back.
Thinking back, the food poisoning was kinduva good thing. Helped me preserve my six pack thing.
And maybe even got it a bit more defined, cos of water loss maybe? I do look a little shrivelled now but my weight's about the same.
I drank a lot of milk the other day, mixed it with my cookies and cream protein powder. The whole thing tasted more of milk but there was a faint trace of something... but it didn't really taste like cookies and cream... I don't know I'm just so lost now, I never knew drinking protein could be so... challenging. I just want to be left alone.
AND I might actually be moving to wordpress FOREVAAAAAA. I've been posting there a lot recently, and I kinda like the tone and feel of it. It was started by a, um, mature-er (?) part of me so its like nonsense free.
HMM so maybe this should be preserved for my nonsense stuff? Yeah that actually makes sense. I can't run away from the nonsense, I can't run away from myself ohmyGoddidijustsaythat.
That's the problem with overcompartmentalizing your blogability, and an over-enthusiasm in that stupid moniker 'therealshard'. Which led to some sort of paranoia that someone out there might somehow arrive at that very permutation of letters and decide to pee in its name ie. mark his territory... WITH MY NICKNAME. There's a therealshard dot and at every- okay not every, but a kinda (maybe not so much) significant number of internetz thingz. Possessive Indian Boy. Well better that Possessed Indian Boy. That'd be scary as hell. I'd shit my pants. And then the shit might take on a life of its own OOoOoOooOhhhhh.
Ok yeah I'm preserving this blog for nonsense like this. As a matter of fact I took a short break from a post-in-writing on my wordpress. Wanted to announce the possible closure of this blog but hey look where we are now. Didn't think we'd come so far but, wow! You're a real darling.
Stay all darlingy and stuff, be happy and read my wordpress. Useful stuff there that smart people told me that I think will be of use to you.
For some reason I feel I suddenly have a lot to say, and some of it quite meaningful! If you wanna skip to the meaningful part then scroll till you see the big red title.
First I'd like to say...
How the HECK did I come up with 300+ posts on my old blog?! Its... ridiculous. Plus I know most of it is nonsense. Oh the yech-writing of my early adolescent days. I swear, I'd hit the younger me if I ever saw him running around somewhere. Gosh I should stop thinking about old me (haha irony!) before I get overly ANNOYED.
NOW. Finally I remember to write this. You know the I Quit smoking ad on tv? Shows ppl telling why they wanna quit smoking then there's this step cool sped up photo transition something whatever ppl hand moving like away and then yeah I Quit.
I found some of the reasons quite dumb. Okay just one actually. I wish to quit because: I want to achieve my aspirations.
What? Seriously? Stop and think, that doesn't make complete sense. I mean it makes half sense, but the fact is its a fricking simple question to answer so you don't give half-answers. My guess is that boy's a JC or poly or step pandai kid who wants to sound smart on tv so he was like hmm what big word shall I use? Then I guess he came up with a few decent lines but went like Nahh I can't spell that word (cos you gotta write it on your shirt when filming your part) and then ah yeah aspirations! Cos the front of the word is 'as', which, I think, I can relate to! Many successful people smoke; smoking is not a direct hindrance to your aspiration unless you aspire to stop smoking...
-_-
I don't usually do that, do I... Dammit.
And then there's the Indian guy. I found his quite funny. I don't mean to offend anyone btw k, just trying to be funny. (*gulp*)
I quit because my wife refused to kiss me.
And then fast forward to three months later:
I've been smoke-free for three months now. My wife still refuses to kiss me. FLIPPING WASTE OF MY ENERGY I SHOULD HAVE JUST CONTINUED SMOKING.
Ok on to the meaningful part.
MEANINGFUL PART
You know I thought I figured myself out in JC; to a great extent I did. I had a good idea of how I ticked, what I found important what I wanted and how I wanted to see myself everyday and in the future. I also thought I had my Ambition figured out: Ruler of the World, famous guy or something.
Then bit by bit I questioned these goals and sorta refined them. Famous Guy became Hmmm maybe not so famous, I don't want my kids to have a hard time just getting to school. I wanna be able to go shopping without people getting all paparazzi on me.
I went from Ruler of the World to One of the Awesome People of the World, Cos There Are Many Awesome People Around and We Need to Unite. Then I listened to what people had to say about that, read this and that, and then more questions appeared like out of nowhere.
How do I wanna influence the world. Do I really want to change this and that? Do these things even need to change to begin with? How do I know I'm changing things for the BETTER? And one of the hardest questions was Can I do all these things and still be a good Muslim?
Somehow along the way faith became a very important part of the equation; I began to feel so inadequate and unprepared for so many things, let alone the hereafter. I pictured my future self, then tried to imagine if that me could face pious people, if that me could stand in front of many and not feel like a shortcoming personified. Whether that me could say I really did achieve all that I want and most importantly, need. Would my parents be proud? Why? What would regular people think of me? There will most definitely be a teenager who sorta resembles me in my thinking and he'll look at Fawaz and ask questions that I can only hope to answer.
And then today at the mosque Ustaz Noor Tijany who, by the way, is an awesome man, mentioned something about it being stupid to put too much emphasis on chasing duniawi goals. That made me realize that a lot of the Self Figuring Out things I had done was very much duniawi based; yes, working is a form of ibadat, helping people is good, but is that really the kind of LIFE I want? Am I really that kind of person?
Then I zoomed out and asked myself, 'hEy FawAz whY do yOu waNna be famOUs anD stuFf. whY do yOU waNt peOpLe to Know?'
Affirmation. That's the crux of it. Its some ego deficiency or something; knowing full well that I have achieved something is not good enough. Knowing that those close to me know is still not good enough. Somehow I have this innate desire to prove to Others that I'm capable of this and that. Somehow at the back of my mind I'm affected by remarks I've heard and hear once in awhile, that reflect people's perceptions of so many things:
Dark skinned boy, probably not very smart.
Indian? Probably has an Indian accent and can't speak well.
Indian? Probably can't dress well.
Asian? Probably not very brave and whatever.
He looks dumb, I bet he's dumb.
He's just a sergeant, *insert assumptions here*
Probably becoming a teacher cos he couldn't get into another university
Probably not very smart cos of his school results
All talk no quality
Doesn't look very strong to me
He's got a unibrow, that's so douchey, I bet he's a douche
Wow that's a dumb sounding name, HAH
(At this point I was interrupted, had to do some favours for my family and stuff, broke my fast prayed and now, over three hours later, I'm here to resume the post. *inhales* K shit where was I...)
It disturbed me quite a bit when I realized that I was always trying to prove something to a someone that wasn't always there. Sometimes it was a little simpler, I did something that I was proud of and I felt that it had some magical value to it, and so must be shared. I didn't really get it. Heck I still don't quite get it. I'll break it down again anyway, it might help me shed some light on my personality/psyche/wtv.
I have many insecurities and though I've overcome some, the others I know are REAL weaknesses. People close to me might not see it as a weakness but my guess that it purely by virtue of our relationship. Strangely though some others (as well as some close people) do not notice my weaknesses. They might be super obvious to me, but not others. So I ask, is it because:
1 - These people are not observant enough
2 - They haven't known me long enough
3 - It really isn't a weakness; I'm just nuts
4 - It isn't a significant weakness
5 - Only applies to the Close People: they do not notice or cannot notice because they are close to me
So I still can't figure it out... whatever. Still, I made it a point to find some sort of temporary resolution to this. Or maybe not. I just knew I needed some kinda patch to cover things up so I can move on. And I settled on this:
Whatever. I'll just be me and do what I have to do. If people pick on me, whatever, if people make fun of me, whatever. I can be humiliated in front of the whole world and though it will suck, I will do my best not to give a damn. Cos ultimately it doesn't make a difference; its all just emotions. And ultimately, those with enough sense and with the right values will not aim for my weaknesses to begin with! These are the people who care about other people, these are the people whom I should be around and they are the ones who will support me through anything.
That felt more concrete in my head now that I've typed it out.
(Okay more interruptions. I went to finish my exercise and have another dinner lol. And now, another two hours later...)
And one day I had an epiphany (I think it was one of those); I realized (I'M ALWAYS REALIZING THINGS WWWWWAAAALLLAUUU EHHHHH. Okay its not a bad thing...) I wanted to be a part of something big. I rillyrillyrilly wanna be a Mover and a Shaker and one of the people behind this super movement or something. I want meaning in my life! I want to live with the knowledge that I served a great purpose in my life, that I utilized myself to my maximum capacity, that I was important, even if people didn't know! Because there'd probably be records somewhere and my name would be there heh.
And then...
AND THEN.
I was like... holy...! I already am a part of something marvelous!
I am a Muslim.
When I watch videos of Islam, people talking about it, about converts and their stories, about young children reading the Quran, about ANYTHING, it strikes me that this is such a SUCH A beautiful religion. Its POWERFUL and COMPLETE and magical and so unifying... and I'm a part of it! And as a Muslim, I'm automatically connected to all my Muslim brothers and sisters. Wherever I am if I meet a Muslim I will be welcomed like family. Everywhere I go if there is Islam I'll feel right home. In every little thing you can see God's Greatness. And if something you do is not seen by anyone, it is seen by Him, and if you do anything in His name, it is a noble thing.
So there, like a chunk of me felt complete. Suddenly I felt whole without knowing there was some kind of gap somewhere. And so I knew which direction I should go in terms of thinking about my future. True, some questions remain unanswered, I still don't get my gratification part, but I have a more focused direction now.
Again, I didn't realize how incomplete or hazy my old vision was until then.
And so since then I've been thinking... how do I want to develop myself? A part of me is seriously considering following the footsteps of great scholars like Sheikh Ahmad Deedat and Dr Zakir Naik. These men practice Jihad everyday, spreading God's word and clearing misconceptions and uniting the people of the book. Most importantly, these men are influential. They cause good change and the world is a better place because of them and what they did, with Allah's permission.
I'm thinking about it now, and I think, if I were to be a scholar or someone who spreads God's word - maybe not even on such a large scale, maybe just an Ustaz or something - I will be deeply satisfied... Yes, even if no one knew who I was. Even if I wrote hundreds of books that helped lots of people and they could see me on the streets and have no idea who this Indianish guy is. Yes I think I would be very satisfied.
That would be a very big step to take. I don't know. I think money is out of the equation already. Once I wanted to be kinda wealthy. Not super affluent but comfortable and enough to do cool things like have a computer room in my house with an awesome gaming rig and consoles and surround sound and people would come over to play and I'd have my own gym equipment and a nice house that's eco friendly. I'd be able to dress comfortably yet not extravagantly but qualitily (I just made that word up. It is an awesome word) I'd be able to buy software and stuff to support developers and writers whom I think deserve it. I could build schools and hospitals and clean up poor areas and give them what they need to live comfortably and healthily without losing the lifestyle they love. I'd be able to give scholarships to awesome young minds, do lots of cool things for kids everywhere.
But no, I don't need all that money. It would be nice, it is something I want, but not something I need. There are many ways of getting things done. If I am influential, I could move the wealthy and the creative into acting, I could be the inspiration for some rich man to do something awesome. I might not have a lot of money myself but it'd be okay. There are tons of people who live happily without some of the comforts that I'm enjoying now, so there's no reason whatsoever to get all fussy about money.
I think this post is long enough. I've gone through so many tenses and had so many breaks I have a feeling this whole thing is just one looong convoluted text lol. Time to do other things.
That's what the remaining scab on my wound is like. I'm SO tempted to peel it off but I know I musn't. Just gonna leave it there... maybe peck at it just a little bit every once in awhile. Yaknow, make it come off faster. Summat like that.
I think I'm getting back my old voice. My tone and thone and this and that has changed since the ole days of blogging. I think its returning to that old school style. Yep. Whatever that means.
My back is being a toot again, but I still love it. Back I'll always love you, you know that. I went to another chinese doctor yesterday and he says its a nerve thing. I kinda found it hard to believe and a part of me refused to accept that the man may after all know exactly what's going on with ma back without doing much. I mean he didn't ask me to bend or this or that or check here or there. The only question was did you fall down? Then it was 'okay sit down face the wall and loosen your pants.'
Hehehe.
No really I had to loosen my pants cos he had to massage my entire lower back. It didn't take very long, in fact it was super speedy. Then he pasted two herb things there.
And today there was still some discomfort and I expressed my doubt then my nenek told me a story of how my grandfather used to have pains in his right knee. It got so bad once that he couldn't walk, yet the doctor said there's nothing, here have some more painkillers. Went to a chinese doctor and the good man said twas a nerve in his back pressing against his bone. He was adviced to go for surgery and that fixed it.
So I realized yeah I should really have faith in the pros. There's a lot that I don't know and something might seem obvious to me but if I knew then I'd realize it'd be foolish to think of it in the same way.... geedit? I think the phrasing was wooooobly but HECK I'm done with that phrase.
Its also got me kinda sad again cos there I was recovering, getting back to exercising. I even made a workout for Ramadhan, and plus my diet it I was sure it will bring awsm results. Then the pain again... I can't wait to get back in the gym, I can't wait to get big and there things conveniently come by and get in my way.
But then I think and I realize this is not a bad thing. If anything, this is a test from Allah. To test my patience, my faith in Him for giving me challenges when I don't know why I'm getting them. And it may have been a coincidence or otherwise that I happened to watch a video of this famous professor who converted to Islam; in the video he explained that after he converted he lost his wife, house and other house. They left him because he embraced Islam. And Subhanallah the strength that man displayed was so wowwish, he could talk about it to everyone. It was a reminder to me that what I'm facing is small. In fact I don't have to look far. I know some of my close friends have or are still experiencing hardships or challenges in their lives, some of which might even overwhelm me. But there they are, still strong. So there is no excuse for me to get upset.
There is a blessing in everything, and maybe its so damn well disguised that you can't see it BUT that doesn't mean it isn't there aha aha am I right am I right can I get a- nvm.
Hasheeeeeshhhhh I forgot the other thing I wanted to write about. THIS HAPPENS A LOT! DAMMIT!
Okay maybe this is it, I can't remember. I had the idea last night to make a list of things I need fixed/solved. In no apparent order:
New speakers
New monitor
More oomph for ma pc. Graphics card or processor or both or what?
My back. lol.
My teeth! They're senget. I think I wanna get braces or sth eventually. Not sure now.
My Muskles. They need to be moored, like more-ed. Yeah like that.
MY PHONE!!!
MY PHONE. WHY PHONE WHY, WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU. I woke up one day and it was all 'Storage card not working'. After one million resets it worked for a few days, then again. It has been unworking since. Went to Sim Lim yesterday to see if they could do anything about it, but nup. My only choice now is the LG service centre.
Oh sheesh yalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll I wanna sigh but I'm holding it back.
I'm writing again. Starting NOW. As in other stuff. Like on a word processor. I just. Could yo- SHH. LEAVE IT. JUST DROP IT OKAY.
Ok so my blogpost counter isn't faulty, its now one up from before.
I had and have so much to say, I wonder if I can make it out of this with enough time to sleep!
So I've decided I won't elaborate where not necessary, and I'll be very brief. I just wanna get my points out. I realized I've said these things in the past: lemme mention it quickly now and I'll further expound upon it in the future.
I don't think I've kept to my words. So whatever, I'll just say it and leave it.
1 - Don't change religion to fit the people. So what if our youth think differently or what. Yes you need new approaches, but be careful. For example, you want the youth to spend more time at the mosque. Fine, but don't be so desperate in trying to achieve that goal that you don't closely check your means. Personally I think its silly if you succeed in getting them to do what you want but the time spent there is not productive, or they pick up the 'wrong' kinda behaviour. Like pakcik/wak2 behaviour. Its just dumb.
And there's a letter waiting to be written.
2 - I don't get clubbing and clubs. Like yeah okay I can let them exist, but then I wanna ask who allowed for them to be built. And this question applies to all other questionable establishments: did the general public get a say in the approval stage?
Araknow but I have a feeling that if we take a vote, you'll find that a lotta people will respond in the negative when you ask them things like:
-Do you like the idea of a drunk/sober guy/girl grinding and rubbing him/herself against your daughter/son/sister/brother/whatever.
-Are you totally cool with that person getting wasted and having God knows what happen to them.
-What do they gain? What is 'fun'? What??
Yeah the younger people will be cool with the idea, at least a healthy number I suppose. Maybe overall we'll discover that its a close fight, that it is not a majority that doesn't support the idea, but maybe a half or a wow-just-a-difference-of-three-and-a-half-people scenario.
These places cause trouble, spoil our youth, people, society. So just one question/thing: wtf.
3 - I was watching how ppl spend their time and money and shit. Really? That's what people do to have fun? Its like they don't realize they've got a lotta time, but somehow they find they must fill it doing stupid and maybe nonproductive things, that might only sound feasible in the short term. Some don't even meet that standard! What's up with people? Happy to just abandon responsibility for entertainment and pleasure instead. You could be doing something good but no you gotta enjoy.
Don't slog everyday in preparation for The Future. Every second that passes is the future, and The Frickin Future is rushing at you at the alarming speed of 1s/s (or sometimes faster), so find a balance, DAMMIT. Enjoy but don't shoot yourself in the foot.
Okay this maybe I think I'll elaborate further next time. The last two paragraphs seem totally insufficient and handicapped in their ability to get my message across. Another time then.
Now for my disappointment in NS. I don't mean to brag or what, but in all honesty I was a kilat trainee. I wasn't the only one, mind you, there were a coupla people I looked up to and whom everyone else did as well, but look where that brought us: nowhere. I didn't get to cross over to RCC (which I'm glad for now btw, and I think I have Zeb Bhai to thank for it, if what he told me was really true). No one whom we thought deserving got the awards they supposedly deserved. Politics, shit, wayang, and at the end of the fricking day we might realize that we have just half-wasted (if lucky) two years. Not everyone gets the intended experience!
Its a shoddy system. It could work, its a good idea, but the execution must be polished. They've already gone so far to give us this standard of training and opportunity to go out on the frontline, so I don't see why the SYSTEM is still LIKE THIS.
And I still wish I was at a station, turning out for fires and RTAs and shit. I really want the experience, but signing on is too much of a burden. I want to do something else with my life.
Life.
I should be doing the things needed to push myself up, but haven't really. Maybe that's why my weeks end with me feeling sad and slow and dissatisfied. All that stops today. I'm gonna write more and finish what I've started. There's no Tomorrow for it to happen, everything starts today. I gotta rule the world or at least have some significant place in the world before I'm thirty something. Doing it then is still okay, but its always better to start young. Also a lot more impressive, cos you'd expect your average world ruler to be middle-aged or maybe some white-haired fatty.
I'm never gonna get fat. I GIVE MY WORD.
Oh I made the Raw Foods Witch's brownies, they're awesome. Go check out her website and start being awesomer.
Now on to fawazstudy. Got some things that need to be said over there.
I'm still stuck at the 70-ish mark for this one! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Twas good to see my friends again, though on hindsight I wish we had more time and funner things to do UNLIKE THE FRICKING RG DRAMA. Which was good only cos it provided so many opportunities for humorous commentary. At least it didn't last too long. Haha am I glad it only lasted around 40 mins? But that 7 bucks could've gone towards a movie or sth. Ah well 7 bucks. I'm coming back next year and if the drama's shitty again, which it shouldn't be, cos its RG DRAMA, then I'll probably burn the school down or something.
Their male toilet made me laugh. The bowls were small, but ain't nothing wrong with that. Small toilet bowls make me laugh. Its cool they had urinals inside, though personally I find those things severely repulsive; I'd expected a unisex toilet, so I'd say I was pleasantly surprised.
Ok unnecessary MOVING ON
I picked out a book the other day, Friday, Journey Into Space by Toby Litt. Somehow all these space-themed books I pick out have plot similarities; and somewhere in the middle there's always talk about sex. Is it just my subconscious silently scanning the books and then telling me to pick em or is this whole sex thing a part of the genre. Like how morality and ethics are hard to avoid in such thingies. Ah whatever they're good stories so I won't think too much. I feel half like shit now anyways so that's enough reason for me to MOVE ON
I read about a new update that'll finally make my Windows Phone the awesome thing it should've been a long time ago. Come on Microsoft I had faith in you and so got that phone, make this work.
Although in a perfect world I'd also have an iPhone 4 just cos its sexy and for all its app and hacking goodness.
I can't wait for my back to fully heal, then I can slowly start training again and get that bigger body I want. I don't know if I'm small, if I look small, if I don't look strong, or if it depends on what I wear, or what. Now I don't even know if I have a nice body or if I'm lean or just skinny or if I never had much muscle to begin with and it never really grew much. I don't know all this anymore. Heck I didn't know some parts to begin with, but now everything's a total blank. I do know my strength has increased thanks to my workout logs, but even then I can't be sure for all the exercises cos of stoopid equipment or whatever.
This has been very frustrating indeed, and I don't see an end to it any time soon. I guess I'll just have to wait and work and take what I get. I'll figure out how to deal with this.
When I think back I realize I've always wanted to be a male Lady GaGa, in terms of her craziness and out of this world style, but things that have held me back are: - What would my parents think/feel if they see me like this (eg. with lots of eyeliner maybe, black lipstick? sometimes. funky hairstyles every few months. whatever.) - Can I walk into a mosque dressed like this (that means no shorts, no faces/cukup sifat pictures of animals, lines on my face, half a head of hair, or lots and lots of accessories, or no teeth, or whatever) -If I'm ugly enough as it is, won't people die or laugh hard if they see me like that? Step konon -Is this REEEEAAAALLLLLYYYY who I want to be
After a bit of thinking I dropped the idea - hey this part should be on my other blog, fawazstudy.wordpress, where I dissect my mind. Okay it'll continue there then, and in greater detail. I hope all this sounds weird to you.
Because it isn't.
Yes you read that right.
And that clock over there? Its been still for the past fifteen minutes.
Don't. Be. Distracted by the little things. They make you feel all TINGLY and NICE inside
but it is a hollow nice that seeks to COMPLETE ITSELF (like a parasite) by igniting a desire in you.
(A desire) for more of it, to know all the kinds of niceness and oohs and aahs.
These are distractions. These are distractions. These are distractions.
Don't get distracted.
In (personally) less scary things (yes its scary to me. All that text was spawned of fear), I can't get Bioshock to load. Its frustrating because: 1) I wanna play Bioshock 2) I am a gamer and have yet to play a GAME.
I can't get my recordings from my phone to the com just yet (bloody WP7 and all its genius shizz...), so I can't do another mix I had worked on awhile ago. More Than Words by eXtreme (that how you spell it? Or is it just Extreme. Wtv, eXtreme looks extremely AWSM).
My goal is to have a magazine cover body. The two big factors: diet and working out. Now this diet thing has gotten me thinking a lot, caused a lotta frustration and whatnot, and I'm not sure if I've said this before but amma say it again. This time I'll start from the, uh, start.
I was on a low GI diet for maybe a month, prior to enlisting. Almost every meal of mine was different from the rest of my family, so that caused a little problem there. Although I had to get a lot of other ingredients and stuff, I think it was a pretty good investment. Didn't cost too much, and my body responded favourably and quickly. I got considerably leaner, and then I enlisted. And then it all went away kinda. I got bigger in some ways during training, but was not as defined as while on my diet.
For over a month now I think (maybe longer. Yeah should be longer. Eh no wait. Ah forget it) I've been on M.A.N.S. Simply put, a low carb high fat high protein diet. Less than 30g carbs from Sunday to Friday 6pm, from then to Sat midnight you've got a little more slack.
This has been working well for me, but sometimes I'm a little restricted, in that I can't always get something good to eat when I need to. Cos I'm at camp. Bleagh.
SO I've given it a lotta thought, and this is my new diet summmmmmarized:
I, Muhammad Fawaz, shall continue to apply the M.A.N.S. principles in my diet, with the following additions: If it is my rezeki to have some other food then I will willingly accept it eg. someone buys me lunch or I'm with friends and we share something. I will try my best (judging by the situation I'm in) to avoid foods that are 'unfavourable' to my diet, however my mindset is this: no food is bad. If Allah made it halal it means it is good for you in some way or another, so who the heck are you to reject it. Whatever you eat, must be in moderation. I will eat more vegetables. (God that must be the hardest part. Me and veggies are like... yaknow, like that. We're not always the best of friends, though we're not enemies, you know where I'm coming from?
My long term goal is to get my entire family to CHANGE. I don't see that possible because everyone is so stubborn, and when it comes to getting the groceries or whatever my advice could turn things into an argument (maybe). And I'm not sure, but if I have things my way we might end up spending more. Actually I don't think so. Yeah it won't. I guess that just means I gotta figure it all out before I take control of my family's diet.
Brilliant.
I don't see why people should be fat if they just do things right. A flat stomach is the way to go!
Sometimes I wish I had nice photos to share. But I don't. Sooooo..... I'll share more words instead. Could I have said 'instead then'? Sounds rightish but might be wrong.
EDIT! The videos are now here, at the end of this post.
I know I made a list of things to write about next, but screw it. More important things have surfaced and it is my duty to prioritize. Sooooo I present you with: stuff.
DID. YOU. KNOW. therealshard.blogspot.vom, yes, VOM, FRICKING VOM NOT COM will bring you here too. Ok so its not just my blog, I wish it was, but like Teh Internetz auto corrects you. Do you know what that means? Yes... it reads your frickin MINDS. HAHA unintentional.
I think I've mentioned this before, my whole I Can Hear Voices phenomenon. Sometimes when I'm really damn super tired and really must sleep for the love of Pete (who's Pete?) but my macho/idiot mind-side kicks into turbo and I end up not sleeping, I go into this altered state of consciousness (I love my altered states of consciousness. They're so different) and hear voices everywhere/somewhere. BUT YESTERDAY. LAST NIGHT. Around 2am-ish, I was frickin' WOKEN UP. WOKEN UP. WOKEN UP BY A FRICKING VOICE. Sounded like my mom asking me if I didn't want anything to cover my eyes. Lengthy description: I was sinking into a Sleep, I guess that's when your mind uncloses itself and that's when you are liberated from the constraints of Reality. Suddenly everything is possible and you aren't afraid to stare into the many other possibilities that you never knew existed. HWOW. So anyway I half dreamt half realized and half thought (I am one and a half man) (or you could add a 'percent' there and make a joke and laugh) I was checking my smses or sth, and when I was about to keep my phone I heard my mom's voice. At that point I kinda turned on my side, and that's where the dream blended with reality, seamless transition really. Or so I thought. Because while I Thought I was awake, I suddenly realized it was mfking hard to move, like sleep paralysis fo shizz. That's when I Struggled and WHOOSH broke out of my shell of Sleep and was in the exact position I thought I'd be in. Oh and earlier I heard my father talking too but obviously not him cos I could hear him snoring in the other room, but the voice was like from behind me. Awesome.
My uncle says I'm confirm turning metro hahahaha. I thought I always was on the inside hahaha.
This I did which annoyed me thoroughly. I was innerly flusterdly unrestful. I asked one of my brothers to do something, and he was being Such. An. Ass. Taking his own sweet time and moving suuuuuper slowly, and you know WHAT, I almost started counting down. What got me really worked up is the fact that that's what I do @work as an instructor. And like freakkkkkkk AM I CHANGINGGGGGNOOOOOOOOO
I wanted to be really famous and be like internationally known and popular but I'm not sure anymore. I mean how will my kids grow up if their father has that kinda status. And why should people even know me, is that really important? I wanna change the world, but I can do that anonymously too. One of the silent forces driving the whole damn world towards the right direction. Many people are doing that already so maybe I'll just join em. But dang it'd be nice to be famous. BUT I think I'd rather not have that.
About kids again, I'll make sure my kids know what its like to suffer and to make tough choices and to have to work for what they want, so they won't grow up to be spoilt brats and so they'll be able to empathize with the less fortunate and be good people and we can all sit around a table and do good things and like, yaknow, move the world together. Haha move. What a choice of word.
Anyway I was feeling hardworking and decided to upload my alien post-mortem video and stuff, but my old phone ain't got no batt no more cos it ballooned so I threw it away. Now my card reader is hanging on me, so looks like its another 3 years before the video goes up.
In the meantime, other nonsense:
Whoops don't have my video converting software. Later then haha.
The hose was having an... Let's leave it at that cos I know you know, yaknow?
This was taken about a week before I started my new medication I think. Oh wait! I never had any medication! That explains everything... Btw the music just happened to be playing haha seriously.
Alien autopsy soon. Gotta figure a way of getting the file off my M2 card.
Someone decided to be funny and folded the paper so it'd look that way.
Bus.
Important lessons from Burlesque: (haha)
Opportunities have a lifespan
Guys are assholes
Girls can be naive
Eyeliner is sexy
You'll only get what you want if you go all out for it
Please wear a bra
Comin' up soon: YouTube videos you could and maybe should watch, some awesome workout routines, a facial care routine that I think can work, WHY I DID NOT GET AN IPHONE 4 and other nonsense.
Gotta sleep. We all gotta sometimes.
Stay healthy and hydrated and well rested and sufficiently active. SING in the lift but step maintain a floor before yours and walk out like nothing happened.
I missed out caps. Since 'I hate you' sounds so negative amma replace it with a more family-friendly phrase.
I like cheese. I like cheese. I LIKE CHEESE. I like cheese! I like cheese! I LIKE CHEESE! I like cheese. I like cheese. I LIKE CHEESE!
There, I think that looks about right.
I'm gonna sleep now, but when I wake up it won't be better and it won't go away. That's the stuff of fairy tales but right now I'm living a blockbuster action-packed thriller. That's my life and it's awesome and its going on sale for only 39.95! HWOW!
Ok gtg I'm really tiiiirrrreeeddddd.
Plenty water plenty rest and LESS FRIGGIN RICE/CARBS.
I'm playing these games, I love them. Spider: Mystery of Bryce Manor (part of your purchase goes to charity how AWESOME IS THAT. And not just any charity, it's Child's Play. I mean, like, Child's Play. Cause of Death. What can I say, I make a great detective. High Noon. I once thought I hated the characters so I won't play the game. I still think the characters look like douchebags but I'm friggin hooked. Osmos: this I wanna play but haven't. Those are all on the iPoop btw.
I started on a four week workout program I saw in Men's Health, only to realize today I kinda misinterpreted a part of it. This is week 2. I've decided, to hell with it, let's just do it my way. Then at the end of the four weeks I'll take a break and then start on the Real thing. I'll share the workout here sometime. A coupla good ones I found.
I gotta spend time now thinking and doing stuff for my further education because I didn't do it when I was supposed to. I.e. in school. I didn't kill myself to get good grades (I know I would've died). But I sure as hell don't regret how I spent my time. I look back at my school days and I think, geez that was a lotta fun. I've got lotsa good memories and remember lots and LOTS of things from school. I take it that was my time to be young and foolish and careless and make stupid mistakes. Now that I'm semi-grown up (not really) and I've had all the schoolfun I wanted to have, I can be serious about the things I wanna and needa do.
I wish I could post so many pictures here but its a hassle to upload 'em from my phone. I mean I gotta plug here plug there ah shit phone's right in front of me but cable's in the bag. Dayumn. Just when I thought 'Hey its quite achievable after all!' Here's stuff already in the com:
I only see one word, PEDO.
One word: moulage.
The world around me is disgusting. Not always, but noticeable enough. I read somewhere about this fella who tried to change the world then couldn't so instead tried to change his country but failed. Moved down the line to town to family before realizing, on his deathbed, that maybe if he had just changed himself first he could have changed everything else. I'm changing myself, I don't know whether to hope to see everything else change, or to say I don't see much changing around me. Something to ponder about another time. Font test next. If you play CoD you'll see the link.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you! I hate you! I hate you. I hate you! I hate you!
Thank God I checked my underwear for ants the other day. My locker at camp has ants crawling around occasionally and boy I wouldn't wanna have em crawling up my- ooh someone's PM-ing me.
It is probably the law of the universe that everything must happen at the same time, and it is at that time that you'd rather have less happen. Go figure hahaha.
I was thinking about law the other day. Strange, innit? Law. Its something we created to ensure everyone is protected, gets to live the way a person Should be able to live and whatever. But the Law is so damn complicated that the person it was created for is almost usually unable to fully utilize this tool, hence requiring the assistance of a third party: a lawyer. Its like having someone pull open and shut your jaw for you so you can chew your food for you; its supposed to be yours but you need someone to help you use it hahaha.
But why must THE LAW be so complicated? We can go on and on in an intellectual debate, we can discuss this top to bottom, but no. I won't settle for that, its just too inconvenient. Instead I'll shove a simple answer under your nose and leave you to do whatever you may with it. So the answer is (and you probably know too. And don't feel insulted, unless you're one of those idiots who contribute to the existence of the The World Isn't Such A Good Place As I'd Like To Tell Myself fund) there are greedy bastards out there who will do all sorts of shit to get what they want, and who want to control things and who are myopic in their thinking. They are the reason why the law is so complicated.
I think.
In the paragraph before, I said you can 'do whatever you may with it'. Well uh, it... it uh tastes nice with chocolate sauce. Yeah tha- yeah chocolate sauce, yeah you jus- uh huh drizzle like so, and uh... yep just like that. There you go.
I must sleep now. Its 12:12 HAHA. Wow. Oh Destiny, you playful thing. Anyway I was nodding off for the past hour or so, I should really be letting the nods progress to something more substantial. I sincerely hope all that makes sense, I'd hate to make a fool of myself now and only realize when people see me along the streets and point and laugh. Yes. Street-people can read.
Exercise, water, more veggies people. Exercise, water, more veggies. itZ-Time.
I think I have an issue with the phrase 'giving back to the community'. This refers to CIPs. Community Involvement Projects.
While CIP makes sense, I don't see how 'giving back' does. I think I'm right in thinking that it implies the community has given TO you first, so now you wanna give back. There's two ways to look at this: one is you give back to the group that actually gave you something, maybe your school. Its a community right, its got lotsa people.
But what if you give to another group? Like an old folks' home? Where does the Back come in. Is it even Back to begin with? If yes, then the only way I can see how is that these people were involved in the building of the foundations of today's community, something like that, off which you leech and thrive (you no good son of a gun) and so you gotta thank them.
Despite all that, I think the most important thing we must realize is... it doesn't matter. No one gives a shit what you wanna call it. So let us carry on our practice of giving the wrong names to things, excessive abbreviations, augmented-language-to-sound-smart and not drinking enough water.
I'm forced to face the shitty truth that An Ass can be very brain-deadening. Maybe its a given, I know a lot of people have said it, but I've been quite reluctant to accept it till recently. The whole idea that something can be so useless is just slippery in my mind. Too optimistic hah. SO anyways after about a month into my posting I already have a good gauge of how my next one year plus (one year... dayumn. Haha.) is gonna be like. And its gonna be full of a lotta free time in the middle of the day.
That's so unfair! Cos that's when I'm supposed to be in camp when I wanna be out of it. Out Of Camp is where I can do so much more. And really, sometimes there's no work to be found, or its so mundane and unnecessary that I get bored really quick. I've literally LOOKED. FOR. WORK. Not very like the Fawaz we've all come to know and love. Yes. You know you love me. Alright you can stop touching me now. HAHA I like doing this whole pseudo-full-of-myself thing (technically I'm really mostly full of myself, while the rest is whatever I ingest. True?).
The thought has always been lurking around, but today I wanna make it official. I don't want my brain to die cos of An Ass. So when I have free time I will try to sit and write something or whatever. I wrote something just now, I want my mom to read it first haha. It might go to my wordpress instead of here, araknow somehow I feel my WP is a better platform for that kinda stuff. Its like a museum while this is a... a... araknow another thing that's much less refined and so much more volatile and unpredictable. Museums aren't really like that.
And as far as possible I wanna come back to my blog with something constructive to say. I was thinking maybe a short essay or something (dissertation? Is that a longer or shorter version? I don't know and I can't be bothered to find out now. Mehhhhhh.) cos SOMEHOW I find thinking like that fun. Maybe its cos it was taken away from me for long enough that I realize how truly satisfying mental work is. Like schoolwork and stuff. Buuuut it gets frustrating when I try to learn something and it just whooshes past me. Like physics, it accelerates at 9.81 metres per second square HAHA. Anyway back to topic.
(Haha the time is 10:01. That's like lool on my clock. Lol is laugh out loud so I guess that makes lool laugh out OUCH loud or something. Whatever.)
(Wow I made that digression into a paragraph. I gave it its own frickin' space! That's a milestone, people. Oh no I might do it again.)
Dang I did. SOoooooOOOOooOoo anyway, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, I wanna get mah noggin a-workin'. Let's see how well this goes. Oh and I finally (fiiiinally) got a new phone! If you remember, I was using a rabak K800i phone simply because its the best phone in the world (although it could be bester if it were slimmer had a better camera and Wi-Fi). And I spent forever looking for a new phone cos there just weren't any that I liked. I was so against the idea of a full touchscreen phone at first, but then I realized that's the only kinda nonsense they're actually marketing now. The keyboardish phones these days aren't as cool as before and they don't sport the coolshit things their nakeder brethren are loaded with.
In the end I kinda fell in love with the LG Optimus 7 and the whole Windows Phone 7 idea. I mean everyone has an iPhone, that just turns me off, so I wanted something different. In the end I got it, and I'm pretty quite darn happy with it.
But some advice before you decide to get a WP7 phone yourself: this OS seriously action pandai ttm. I know too many options can interfere with a smooth end-user experience, and can make the whole thing seem too complicated. Apple struck a relatively good balance with its iOS nonsense, but I think WP7 overdid it. I haven't found a frickin' option to clear all the contacts in my phone, I can't remove facebook pictures from my photo gallery (everyone's bloody pictures pop up in MY gallery! My! Frickin! Gallery! I don't want your bloody facebook uploads there!), I CAN'T ROTATE A FRICKIN' PICTURE. That was just ridiculous, that last one, I almost slammed my phone down.
The GUI (is it called a GUI?) is pretty simple actually. Plain text against plain backgrounds, plain menu tiles, its all very minimalistic. So you might get bored of it if you're a, uh, colourful person? And being very young, don't expect a whole lot of apps in the marketplace, nor any significant jailbreaks. Maybe the latter will come soon, these hackers are brilliant. But until a major update or something, I'm left with a at-times-constricting phone, but otherwise a delight to use. Oh and the photos always come out dark haha. Shit you know what its like I have so many complains. Better shut up and be happy with what I have before I'm, araknow, struck by lightning or something.
I getta sleep asap so its time to say goodbye. Keep your blood sugar level low and drink lotsa water! Keep safe smart and sharp kthxbye
The mess murderer secretly served the students dinnermite
Yes that's me and that's my Focused Mental Image. Or I could call it a... Focused Mental Lead just so I can abbreviate it to FML. FAMOUS, my life. Yesssss.
I have a timetable for this week (couldn't help but make one after seeing yours :P). Today its written: 'Organize data. Don't stop or do anything else till its DONE.' I'm still doing it but the file I'm copying is taking some time soooo I guess that allows me some blog time.
On a side note my throat has been feeling crappy for some time now, and I don't like the sound of me singing. Heck I think I have an irritating voice! As in, it has always been irritating. NioooOOooOoOOOOoOoOo00oo....~~~
On the other side, there is another note. I've noticed that I get really angry, really fast. When that happens I don't explode but I seethe and glow and melt surrounding wax candles at an alarmingly high rate. And its during these times that I think of all sorts of weird ideas. Like how I think I might grow up to be some weird-ass mentally GONG superpower, who with brute force and fierce policies and shit, gets rid of all the weakness and nonsense in this world. But that thought worries me... I mean what if that weapon I make doesn't work? And can I still be a good man even after getting rid of so many people? IS the act of Global Cleansing (GC Graphic Calculater (tadum chang...)) wrong to begin with?
Araknow, I think it doesn't matter.
Because.
I don't know how to invent weapons so I'll never come round to doing that. Besides, I don't actually have to kill the nonsense people of this earth. So many other things I can do. Liiiike.... you know what, I think its in my best interest that I stop here.
In more innocent news! I've been going back to my cat lifestyle. I've been sleeping a lot, and then some more. And I'm still sleepy! Araknow how I'm gonna manage going back to work (hahahaha. Work. Hahahahha.) especially since its just a few days away.
Been getting ulcers too. One on the left side of my lower lip, the other on the right and inside of my lower lip. Kinda hurt at first, the left one, then it got unhurt and now the right one's being a pain in the ass. Oh no a pain in the lip HAH. Sheesh, are ulcers a cat thing or something? YO SIMBABWE help me out here kthxbye.
Okay file hath been copieth. I shall dutifully resume my, uh... duties. Farewell, person.
This week is not fat week, its fit week. I'm not gonna engage in any strenuous activity (carrying 18kg of groceries memang tak klakar but not counted. We wanted to step Man so we walked home; anything done to step Man is not really exercise. For now. Nah just in this case.) I figured after half a year of bullshit- ok bullshit-like schtuff, its only good to take a week completely off. Recover and grow.
Oh hi I haven't posted in awhile, eh. Welcome back nice to see you here Nice to See you Hear. Good to know you can read, your eyes are working well, fingers too. Good. Yyyyyeppp.
In other interesting news (the first being the grocery journey. Ok no I kid I don't know actually) I found an alien in a crater near a planet. Well cos the crater was not on that planet but near it... rrrrrrightttt. Then I did an autopsy on it cut it all up spilled its inner gunk all over the sink and took a video of it. I must say if I were the alien I would be extremely upset over the outrage of my dignity and the thorough humiliation of having your insides documented. But I'm not the alien so I can't give two shits. THAT'S HOW ITS DONE HERE, BOY.
For some funny reason (HAHA!) my com's being laggy and stubborn and refuses to do certain thing. Like a little bitch. Aww come on and WORK. FRUSS SIOL.
Anyway for those of you who've seen or heard, my phone has finally reached a level of rabak so rabak that I can't use it anymore. Here, let me share: - buttons corresponding to the numbers 1, 3, and 6 don't work most of the time - joystick is a headache to operate. And the whole plastic casing's gone - camera slider lost functionality about a year ago. Gotta manually activate it from the menu - 3 out of 6 soft keys are completely unusable. One of them is nearing its death - the place where you plug in the charger is f*****. Charging and data transfer is a HEADACHE. - Martians have set up camp within the case. Well maybe not but I'm sure there are some Martians around here somewhere.
And so I've made the bold move to stop using that phone. And use another spoilt phone hahahaha. The other other spoilt phone (my spare at camp) is more leceh to use. I actually found another phone of the same model; works fine but can't read the contacts off my sim card. Nokia vs Sony Ericsson, thanks ah. SOOOOO I'm now using my dad's-then-passed-to-brother 's K810i. A model ahead of my K800i. The only problem with this phone is a mess of dead pixels. And a portion of the keypad casing that might drop off. Solved with tape!
Now as pitiful as I might sound, I'm actually enjoying this. Its all done on purpose, I have a Mega Plan you see. I've finally gotten the chance to look around at phones (accompanied by a certain someone) and have made some selections. I think it'll be about next month when I get a proper phone that doesn't threaten to die/fall apart/send rogue signals to secret service satellites.
You know what, this post isn't gonna finish itself. And I ain't gonna do it for it. Sooooo...
That's it for now hahaha. Really. I'll continue some time soon CHOWDER!!!
There's a lot going through my mind and time's flying. Flying really fast. Uhm, around 50 miles per minute. No wait second. Ahhh shit wait lemme recalculate.
Oh nevermind.
Amma just write everything out, lay it all here so there's space up in my head so I can reshuffle. Or something. I don't think it actually works anything like that hahaha. Oh well I like writing and shit. So HERE GOES PEOPLE ARE YOU READY!!!
Fasting and training is the most awsm-est thing, like the ultimate test of so many things. It gets really hard sometimes, but I'm glad I've got friends enduring the same thing at the same time. Helps keep you going. Friendship. Buy one now batteries not included k thx.
Sometimes the week gets so tiring and I don't get enough sleep and we gotta do lotsa shit that I haven't got the capacity to miss anything. All I end up looking forward to is a lot of water and sleep. Weird, but interesting. Life Experiences of Muhammad Fawaz. Grab yoru copy today, sold at all AWESOME bookstores. If yo bookstore ain't got it then yo bookstore ain't no bookstore.
I. Have. Shrunk. And lost 5kg, though I've gained almost all of it back hahahah. After Ramadhan, I'm gonna start training again. I need to be big to be beautiful HAHAHAHHAHAHA I like how that came out. Where the heck did I hear that from? Big and beautiful. Hmm, interesting combination.
I love the ukulele amma learn it and play it yeah yeah yeah amma do it.
Today I realized I hadn't sung and talked to myself at the top of my voice, for quite some time. I did it while doing the dishes. As usual. Almost got me wedgied by my beloved uncle who also thinks I'm a walking billboard. I know he's secretly jealous :D
I'm having a helluva time playing Uru. I'm glad I got into it in the first place.
I've only done tarawih at Ba'alwie once so far, and I'm missing it already. I love that mosque, everything about it. Ramadhan's just that bit more special when I get to pray there.
Speaking of which. Things always become awesomer during Ramadhan, as they have been, being, gonna be, bee hive. Alhamdulillah.
I'm glad my family's doin fiiiine. I like coming home, and hanging around, and watching people do what they do from the back of my head cos I got eyes on the back of ma head. I love my family.
I'm gonna google Roll Gliss so I can relearn how to set it up hahahha. Harder kaur or whut.
I was at RJ today, and boy do I miss those days. But if you think about it, its weird innit. That's the place where I got conditional promotion, failed repeatedly, struggled and passed a bit then kept on failing, did poorly for countless exams, not to mention the Bigun, got into trouble here and there. And I figured out why. I spent my time there doing the stuff I wanted to do, and I don't regret it one bit. Funny, eh?
I wanna be a billionairre so- no wait, make that infinitillionairre, so frickin' bad. And along the way and at the way and after the way and whey amma keep helping people and doing stuff to make the world a better place. And I know I'm not alone cos I've seen it, I bear witness that there are awesome people aplenty in this world and together we will overcome the Forces of Darkness... and other nonsense.
I'm glad we're unbelievably psychic, and that you're so understanding. Thanks b :)
Thank God for air katira and cold carbonated sweet drinks and water. Lots and lots of water.
And sugar too.
This is a really special month, and everytime I get to meet it again its a mix of feelings. Happiness. Fear that I won't get to see it again, and sadness that not everyone gives it due respect. Hypocrites out there. But live and let live, and life gets exponentially easier.
Personally I don't think I'll be ready to move on to Syawwal. I dunno. Maybe. Its like having something ripped away from you before you've made full use of it, every bit of it. But God is wise in all his plans so if we do everything to our best ability then InsyaAllah things will happen well.
No standing on my head for some time now. This cannot go on.
Must get more sleep. Like, really.
I'll stop here for now. Eyes are getting dry. My wings are getting a little tired, and all six of my legs need to stretch. I might even need to regrow my incisors later. We'll see.
Till next week, stay happy healthy and keep doing good things people. Everything happens full circle, sometimes the circle is so damn big that you don't see it turning. Just like land, you can't see it circling now, can you? Exercise so we can all be buff and look cool on the streets. Moisturize. yes. Hahahah good night Faceless-ers.
Two eleven in the morning, I haven't titled this post. Its a relatively long weekend, but it seems like there's a lot to cram in.
I'm formatting my old com and installing Ubuntu on it. Why? So whoever picks it up can run the com without hassle and without access to all my files. I'm a nice person *cue angelic chorus bright white light and amaaazing halo* :D
Okay holy moment over.
I wanna get down to writing again; I haven't had the time to just sit and do it in so long, I'm afraid I've lost it. Once upon a time all I had to do was... well... nothing, and ideas would flood my mind and I'd to sieve through them and then my fingers would magically know which words to pen and when to paragraph.
But now the space in my head feels... (yeah my head is full of space) thick. Like I gotta push through to get ideas, but when I finally get a hold of something I find its not as awesome as I'd hoped it was.
I might be overreacting. It'd be such an irony if I wrote about my disappearing could've-had-'em' skillz and it takes the form of something that I think I can no longer achieve. That was poorly phrased, but you get it.
An idea met me while I was hurriedly showering a coupla days back. About why we're afraid of - haha - ghosts and stuff, and it extended to other things. I'll work on that by the time I book in on Monday.
Did I also ever say this? I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions by all my commitments, the people who need me, and all the things I want to do. But instead of me breaking, I'm afraid I'll pull back so hard that everything comes crashing together. Actually I'm not afraid hahah. It just sounded like an interesting concept. Well what would happen if things came together? Is it even possible? That, my friend, is up to YOU to find out. Hahahah yes YOU. I'm not making any sense now, am I?
That must mean its time to go. Of late mine eyes have been dry or sth. But I like the feeling, as though my eyes are puffy maybe with eyebags. Feels like a macho thing to me hahaha. So I'll hold back on the eyedrops for now heh.
There is nothing to fear, go out and be awesome. The world needs awesome people, so whataya waiting for!
I'm a big boy, and big boys don't cry because big girls don't cry, and we all know boys >>> girls.
:D
Ok I'm kidding, I believe in equality. That was just a funky introduction to the first part of today's post, which might not be sucha happy read. Or something to that extent.
Well my mom had to undergo a minor operation, like go in today morning come home tomorrow morning. I don't wanna elaborate cos even though I don't have any issues with sharing so much with the world (sometimes. Haha) I feel it'd be disrespectful to my mom's privacy.
So anyway it was on Friday morning, the op, and I called home on Thursday night just to talk to my mom. I didn't know what to say or whatever, I remember asking her what time the operation was. I had asked her the Sunday night before, before I walked away from the car into the gates of CDA, but I didn't listen to her reply cos all I was doing was try to stretch the time I could spend talking to her. I didn't wanna go into camp because that'd mean I couldn't be with her till op day. Plus I had to play it cool and macho.
On Thursday when I spoke to Mak it was different, this time I listened to what she said. Like, that was the only thing of her that I could take away from the conversation, so I had to take in Everything. And I remember towards the end of the phonecall my heart was heavy as HECK (I just don't feel like saying hell, like... not nice ah hahahah), and the closer I got to it the more I thought I felt like crying. I remember a part of me screaming to tell Mak that I loved her, but another half was like wtheck that's so not-me/weird/something like that. But in the end I did, it went like this: Bye mak Bye sayang (almost blurted out but tried very hard to sound steady) I love you (pause) I love you too Then I put down the phone and breathed, and I can't remember the next few seconds. Heavy moment.
Since I'm still thinking of the story, I wanna thank Nabhan for showing concern. I didn't realize it, but I must've sounded really different while on the phone cos he sensed it. Actually, I've got a lot of camp people to thank. They make it possible for me to be on about stuff and not dread shit and whatever. Thanks ah fellas, yall full of shit but its the good kinda shit.
SO back to topic. Laaaaater on I thought about how it'd be when I live by myself or sth. I guess I might not be homesick so much, but I'd always wanna be there for my family for anything that might be made better off if I were there. It is possible that I won't feel that way, but I'm telling myself now that I want to, so I will.
Anyway I miss going to the gym. I miss the whole feel of it, everyDAMN THINGOFGYMMING ARGHHHHHHHHH. At this rate, I'm sure I won't stop gymming till I'm officially unable to gym or sth.
Oh and I've been thinking twice about taking psychology. I originally intended on penning my thoughts, but since I'm keyboarding now I might as well get some stuff out. You could read and think about it and try to tell me only to realize that I don't wanna listen cos I'm drowning in my sorrows, slowly sinking into the shadows of my little corner of the world where nobody cares to look, where light is never cast, where thoughts never stray to. And its there that you'll see me try to disappear, held back only by the fact of your observation. It sounds depressing, but you don't see that I'm laughing and having the time of my life.
Hahahah why do I keep doing that. Why Fawaz? Okay I'll ask him later. L8r. Alligater. Allig8r. Alligaver. All I gave her. Hmm, interesting.
Sooooo, psychology. I like it, its fun. I like watching people and shit. Haha no not watching shit as in feces but like youknowyouknow ok you know. I like exploring all this mind nonsense.
Psychology is largely baseless iThink. There's nothing concrete, no formulas, no guaranteed outcome. Its hypotheses vs hypotheses, each one making up his own rules based on empirical data. But quantified observations of a nonquantifiable subject matter just don't seem real enough for me.
What's it like then? We think as hard as we can about what's in us, oh the irony, and in the end come up with what could be a working framework. Try to fit in as many people into it as possible, then come up with a list of Exceptions, and figure out how to sound more convincing that the next fella.
It could be useful, still. If the trends you observe are really that replicable or identifiable, then voila, who gives a shit if you haven't plotted a graph of it. If you can work with it then do it. What, no one can tell you what the truth is because no one actually knows, so you create one that works for you? And in this case one that could apply to the majority?
