I think maybe I'll abandon this blog in awhile and do everything on wordpress. But then again my wordpress blogs have this kinda refined and polished look in my head, and sometimes I need an outlet for the not-so-nice stuff. Oh well, no need to overthink.
Note to self: next time, don't EVER get a sponsor for ANYTHING unless you REALLY REALLY REALLY need it and have NO other choice. Otherwise be prepared for pressure from your sponsor, in terms of: their expectations (even though they might not know what's going on), their cautiousness, their way of doing things, them wanting you to do things their way, unnecessary intervention, refusal to listen to your explanation then ask the other parties involved and you stand there feeling a little embarrassed and a little violated, on top of the fact that your time is being wasted by someone else's conversation (you HAVE to be there, you can't just walk off. Rude.), and many other things. I might. May. No. WILL. Discuss th- k no. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't think it does justice to the person to have a full psychoanalysis on The Fawaz Study. Instead look there for my account of how I felt and how I slowly uncovered the reasons behind those feelings.
I GOT MY QUEST BARS. They are delicious. I want other flavours and I want them now.
But we all know, there's a time and place for everything and now's not the time to go spending again. Oh money, you evil thing, you.
And I'm definitely not sharing any adults' point of view of life. I'm breaking free of all those bonds of restrictions, amma keep fighting, and none of you gonna EVER make me into one of those other drones you might find yourself a part of.
I'm not alone, that's the THING. I've drawn inspiration from a TON of others who have done it. So who the heck has the right to say I can't be all that and escape all this shit that's getting everyone worked up and not happy?
No one.
Just do your utmost best and leave the rest to God.
I must sleep. Sleep cycles have been extremely poor, although my stomach was ridiculously flat this morning (it kinda creeped me out for a bit) (I thought too too too much sleep would make you fat), and I'm supposed to go schwimming in the morning.
OH LIFE.
I love you.
You are so...alive.
Whey's mai pwotein??
Labels: monstrothimisticism, sharing machine, sleeping patterns
The more I think about it the more I think there's a high chance I'm highly incompatible with human beings, I have a problem with many things, and I may be in a world of my own.
My observations tell me a lot of people have either an unrealistic or incomplete idea of who they are and how they look. Looks is much easily debatable. This is where I get to say the one thing that's been on my mind for a long time. I thought of publishing it on facebook but confirm a lot of my friends will terasa. As much as I'd like them to 'wake up' I don't wanna hurt their feelings. It might annoy me, but its really their bodies and its entirely up to them what they want to do with themselves.
Its not the clothing that makes you look fat. Its the fact that you're FAT that makes you look FAT.
Don't you hate it when someone asks that? They put something on and get all hrmph and sighhh and hmmm.... If they weren't fat, it wouldn't happen that way. Instead they don't want to accept it, or they think its good enough to try and hide it with their clothes. And then everyone must be polite enough to not point it out or to play along.
SERIOUSLY?!
If my haircut is ugly you HAVE TO TELL ME otherwise I might not know, or I might go away thinking hey it wasn't a stupid idea after all, people are okay with it! Yes I would get a little hurt if someone pointed it out, that's a natural reaction, but overall I'm happy that my flaw was pointed out... SO I CAN CORRECT IT.
People today have very loose standards for what is 'fat'. I think its because they want to convince themselves they're 'not fat'. It just takes one look at a person who's lean or fit and their entire point of being 'not fat' is crushed. Buttttt they will argue.
Similarly, people have funny ideas of what's 'big' or 'muscular' or 'buff'. I have a problem with people telling me that I'm big, for the simple reason that I'm not. To an extent comparing will never get you anywhere because There is always someone bigger/better/smarter whatever. But look at a certain group, maybe your peers or something, and you'll see it makes sense to compare like that first before telling someone they're big. And please, PLEASE, even if you think I'm big, do NOT tell me to stop exercising and leave my body as it is. Just... don't.
Honestly I don't know how people can look at their unhealthy bodies and feel happy. Or are they not happy? Or do they not look to begin with? Maybe no mirrors at home? I swear, I've seen some people appear in public with such obvious and simply corrected mistakes (be it in terms of dressing or their face or whatever) that I just can't help but wonder,
DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE FRICKING MIRROR BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE?!
HOW CAN PEOPLE WALK AROUND WITH NOSE HAIRS JUST DYING TO SHOW THEMSELVES TO THE WORLD. That is just ONE example of all the CRAP I've seen. Don't ask me to get specific and DON'T ask me about you because if you do then I'll let loose and you'll probably walk away hurt. Unless you want it and we can be cool afterwards. Then I'll REALLY have a lotta respect for you.
At one point it seems that I'm overly obsessed with my image. But am I? I mean really, your image is the one thing you give to people even before you can introduce yourself. Its the message of who you are that you send out to all the strangers you walk past everyday. And like it or not, it reflects the way you think about yourself and what you prioritise. The same way how you eat reflects how you make love, and how you behave reflects the purity of your heart. I could go on, maybe.
What's the deal with people? What are they rushing about with everyday that they don't have time to take care of the most important thing in their life... themselves. Your body is your vessel in this universe and if you don't upkeep it then expect a shitty ride sooner or later.
And also, there's the problem nowadays of being dressed yet naked. Do you get that? Of course you do. I saw an example at the gym just now. I was crouched over my bag getting stuff out when the door to my left opened. Naturally I looked up... I wish I didn't. This malay looking lady stepped out of the toilet, top to bottom in some skin tight dunno what nonsense and some funky looking tudung thing. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.
SE_FRICKING_RIOUSLY?!
Why BOTHER wearing a tudung if I can see the damn shape of your damn BODY! Do people not understand that??? You are supposed to cover up not so people can't see your SKIN, but so they can't see the Shape and Curves of your BODY. It was a ridiculous looking tudung thing she was wearing by the way.
All that said, I'm definitely not perfect nor a good person to begin with but I have every confidence that the issues I just pointed out require plain common sense for anyone to understand and agree to. Its not something controversial or complicated like Politics or Euthanasia. I just wish, at the very least, that the people closest to me and those whom are dear to me do not fall prey to these stupid ideas and that they spare me the burden of having to put up with such ridiculous behaviour on a long term and regular basis. It would make my life hell. And if I can't take it I'll run away to an island and live like a hermit till I can't take it then go somewhere else. Maybe open a 365 gym thing like in the movie Never Back Down HAHA.
Its Fattish, not Fetish
Labels: monstrothimisticism
Social media is a shit thing, I'm really starting to despise it. And its not for some superficial reason, THIS IS A SERIOUS THING AND WE AS AN INTELLECTUAL COMMUNITY NEED TO GIVE IT SERIOUS THOUGHT.
The number one thing is photos. Yeah I know they sound innocent and 'but we need to reminisce and remember this and that' but that's all secondary. Think about it, its not necessary to have a thousand pics from all your phases in life, you'll just end up spending more of your future thinking about your past and feeling things that might not be of benefit to you, maybe even some harm.
THINK: If something really is that important, it stays in your mind.
But let's say you just like capturing the beauty of some moments, you can't really do that in to the same effect in any other form. Okay that's fine. The thing is, stuff gets complicated when it all goes on the net. Once its there, its free for anyone or many people to look at. Let's look at it in 'layers':
-Strangers will look at you and think things based on what they see. That is absolutely unnecessary and sometimes harmful. Say in one photo you have a certain expression. This guy stumbles upon the photo and he might be thinking 'wow she looks hot like that' or 'haha this guy looks low IQ'. In essence you create the opportunity for people to think or even say false things. If someone has self respect and values himself as a person, he would prevent that from happening. 'Liberal' people will instead say 'So? What's wrong?' or 'If God made me good looking then shouldn't I share it with the world?'
Then you think this: cheap things have many buyers, people will just flock to it. Its value is low. You, liberal one, are akin to that. Hey this is my beauty come everyone take a load of it. Not nice.
-You never know what people think of you or how you look in that photo. And sometimes you don't realize you're in a compromising position. What you deem a simple portrait shot might turn on all the girls on the net, then what have you done? In the first place, it was not necessary to upload that shot. I know I said 'capturing the beauty of some moments' earlier, but the fact is people find every excuse to upload everything. Don't lie to yourself, deep down you just want people to see what a good looking person you are. You are attracting attention, you want attention, especially that of the opposite gender. And girls especially, don't be so simple minded and think 'its just a photo'. A guy can stare at a simple photo of you smiling and use that to think all sorts of things, strip you down in less than a second and before you know it you're a part of his fantasy. If he's a hot guy then maybe you'll think heh that's not too bad.
But think again. You are of HIGH VALUE. You are worth so much that not everyone can just get a hold of you and enjoy something off you like that. Preserve your beauty and treasure it! Doesn't it make sense that you need an appointment and all sorts of whatevers just to get an audience with the queen of England or some other important person? This is because they are of HIGH VALUE. And so are you.
And I don't know if I should talk about compromising positions? Okay maybe I'll put it this way: people are very creative and can link anything to... anything. And these are PHOTOS we're talking about, a lotta time to scrutinize and look at stuff you might not have noticed at the time. And then there's the people in the background too... oh God the embarrassment some of them have faced because of someone else's vanity.
-Lastly, this applies to those who really do treasure their modesty. Sometimes pictures still get around, like the other time I was out with a group and we took a picture and then poof it was on Facebook. My privacy settings didn't allow anyone to see it from my profile, but people can look from someone else's! Which is why I'm glad I left my helmet sitting on my forehead, it kinda disguises me a little. But once I wasn't so lucky. Someone snapped a photo of me while I was walking by and then AGAIN Facebook. For every one of his friends to see. I don't like that, its a disturbing idea. This will be especially disturbing for girls who don't usually have their photos on the net or used to be more liberal but have deliberalized.
If that photo wasn't yours to begin with, its still there for people to see. There are many bored people with nothing to do and someone might see it and think wow cute ass wow nice beard I so wanna touch it. Okay beard for guys, not a girl with a beard. And even with all our fancy privacy settings, there are still people who don't use them and continue snapping away and uploading every damn thing on the net.
In person you might be humble and a decent person, but your one million photos on the net don't say so and you can't really do anything about it. Which is why, SOCIAL MEDIA IS EVIL.
There are still more reasons why its evil. It claims to 'connect' when all it does is open up channels of communication so wide that everything and anything is said, clogging the net with loads of useless and stupid information. Status updates on the sandwich you had. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT AND YOU KNOW THAT. Yet people still partake. We will all do these little stupid things and lie to ourselves that we're keeping connected. But that's not it. We will slowly lose the ability to truly care for what's REALLY important, and when we are faced with the reality that helping someone out might entail more than just Like-ing his status or typing out a quick comment, then we might start to see how far we've deviated.
I'm really tempted to deactivate my Facebook account. But first I want to know how I can permanently remove every trace of every photo of me that has been taken. I don't like it. Then once I can establish an alternate route of communication for all those people who might want to connect with me, I'll do it.
Or I'll just use it mostly one-way. Read what is relevant and ignore everything else. No status updates, no comments, no likes, nothing. Its just 'oh this is Fawaz's account. We're not sure if he's still here but just post your events and he'll contact us if he needs more details'. Like that.
I'm sick of a lot of things, I want to cut off these ridiculous things one by one and I hope my family and friends understand. In fact I hope they see my point and take some benefit from it. The last thing I want to cut is a relationship with someone, however small it might be.
Klassik treatment for your ice
Labels: monstrothimisticism, sharing machine
I wanted to be mean but my mom didn't allow for it.
Probably cos it was her email I was typing out.
Ooohhhhhhwell.
She mail
Labels: monstrothimisticism
I miss:
The smell of the rubber mats at the gym
Lifting till I can't push no more
Wringing your very soul for every last drop of energy to do one more rep
The pain the next day
Seeing strength improvements
Looking into the mirror, seeing a small body and saying its okay, I know I'm getting stronger, I've been following a routine and I have my logs to prove it
Getting so pumped I have difficulties taking off my damn shirt
I've started working out a bit, but still with light weights. My back isn't total healed. I don't know what stage its at now, I've gotten confused. It doesn't hurt when I lift things, yet sometimes it feels uncomfortable and I gotta stretch. I can't bend all the way in one go, it feels tight, I gotta go bit by bit. I'm gonna go for the reflexology thing again soon, maybe even tomorrow. I want my back fixed NOW. And I'm gonna see a chiropractor soon too, to fix my bloody imbalanced somewhere hahaha. I can't stand on both feet comfortably, its gotten too annoying.
Things I've yet to do:
Write out a total description of myself ie. if scientists were to recreate me, they would base the Fawaz Brain Program on this descriptive piece; I better do a damn good job at it then.
I've been telling people now that I'll be someone rich and famous in the future; some laugh, but not because they think its impossible, but because its such a new/scary/never before approached idea to them. Something like that.
Gtg now no time be back later gator
Labels: monstrothimisticism
Its been a tiring week so far, and theees two days left. After a long day of filming our firefighting drills (in the hot sun. Ok maybe i'll explain this whole BTM thing some other time), I was tempted to skip today's workout. But in the end i went to the gym anyway, got home a little later than usual, feel quite tired now, but totally think it was totally worth totally it. Totally. There's no reason you can't do something, if you really want it.
The kinda bad thing is that i feel tired and have a ' look at me i'm tired' eyes feeling, but my eyes don't look tired. I stared at my face and it doesn't come across as tired. Well okay i guess that's good, but then people might think i've just been slacking around hahaha.
I'm still determined to get a magazine cover body. And thank God i still keep my religion close to heart. Please don't ever get too caught up in other things that you forget to practice your faith as much as you should be. I almost forgot how much relief reading the Quran can bring. Reading a surah from memory is still good, but man its a whole lot more awsm if you literally sit and read. I should say here that i'm proud of the people in my life who hold on strong to Islam and put in effort to improve themselves. You have my respect and admiration.
And in scary news...
I think i'm growing up. I ate some chilli padi and it didn't cripple me and i kinda enjoyed it.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOimakidimakidimakidimakidimakid
Amma sleep on that thought. Whatever.
Labels: monstrothimisticism, repotr, sharing machine
Don't. Be. Distracted by the little things. They
make you feel
all TINGLY and NICE inside
but it is a hollow nice that seeks to
COMPLETE ITSELF (like a parasite) by
igniting a desire in you.
(A desire) for more of it, to know all the kinds
of niceness and oohs and aahs.
These are distractions.
These are distractions.
These are distractions.
Don't get distracted.
In (personally) less scary things (yes its scary to me. All that text was spawned of fear), I can't get Bioshock to load. Its frustrating because:
1) I wanna play Bioshock
2) I am a gamer and have yet to play a GAME.
I can't get my recordings from my phone to the com just yet (bloody WP7 and all its genius shizz...), so I can't do another mix I had worked on awhile ago. More Than Words by eXtreme (that how you spell it? Or is it just Extreme. Wtv, eXtreme looks extremely AWSM).
My goal is to have a magazine cover body. The two big factors: diet and working out.
Now this diet thing has gotten me thinking a lot, caused a lotta frustration and whatnot, and I'm not sure if I've said this before but amma say it again. This time I'll start from the, uh, start.
I was on a low GI diet for maybe a month, prior to enlisting. Almost every meal of mine was different from the rest of my family, so that caused a little problem there. Although I had to get a lot of other ingredients and stuff, I think it was a pretty good investment. Didn't cost too much, and my body responded favourably and quickly. I got considerably leaner, and then I enlisted. And then it all went away kinda. I got bigger in some ways during training, but was not as defined as while on my diet.
For over a month now I think (maybe longer. Yeah should be longer. Eh no wait. Ah forget it) I've been on M.A.N.S. Simply put, a low carb high fat high protein diet. Less than 30g carbs from Sunday to Friday 6pm, from then to Sat midnight you've got a little more slack.
This has been working well for me, but sometimes I'm a little restricted, in that I can't always get something good to eat when I need to. Cos I'm at camp. Bleagh.
SO I've given it a lotta thought, and this is my new diet summmmmmarized:
I, Muhammad Fawaz, shall continue to apply the M.A.N.S. principles in my diet, with the following additions:
If it is my rezeki to have some other food then I will willingly accept it eg. someone buys me lunch or I'm with friends and we share something.
I will try my best (judging by the situation I'm in) to avoid foods that are 'unfavourable' to my diet, however my mindset is this: no food is bad. If Allah made it halal it means it is good for you in some way or another, so who the heck are you to reject it. Whatever you eat, must be in moderation.
I will eat more vegetables. (God that must be the hardest part. Me and veggies are like... yaknow, like that. We're not always the best of friends, though we're not enemies, you know where I'm coming from?
My long term goal is to get my entire family to CHANGE. I don't see that possible because everyone is so stubborn, and when it comes to getting the groceries or whatever my advice could turn things into an argument (maybe). And I'm not sure, but if I have things my way we might end up spending more. Actually I don't think so. Yeah it won't. I guess that just means I gotta figure it all out before I take control of my family's diet.
Brilliant.
I don't see why people should be fat if they just do things right. A flat stomach is the way to go!
Sometimes I wish I had nice photos to share. But I don't. Sooooo..... I'll share more words instead. Could I have said 'instead then'? Sounds rightish but might be wrong.
OMG I JUST REALIZED people sleep at night.
Sleep.
When policeman r tired they make arrestLabels: monstrothimisticism, mystifizmschnickum, repotr, thoughts
I missed out caps. Since 'I hate you' sounds so negative amma replace it with a more family-friendly phrase.
I like cheese.
I like cheese.I LIKE CHEESE.I like cheese!
I like cheese!I LIKE CHEESE!I like cheese.I like cheese.I LIKE CHEESE!There, I think that looks about right.
I'm gonna sleep now, but when I wake up it won't be better and it won't go away. That's the stuff of fairy tales but right now I'm living a blockbuster action-packed thriller. That's my life and it's awesome and its going on sale for only 39.95! HWOW!
Ok gtg I'm really tiiiirrrreeeddddd.
Plenty water plenty rest and LESS FRIGGIN RICE/CARBS.
Labels: monstrothimisticism, thoughts
K I'm pissed. Just wrote a post, praised this program, then everything disappeared when I clicked the tick. You SHIT program why did you do that to me.
Labels: monstrothimisticism
I'm all for positivism and all that shit, but sometimes I just gotta let off some steam, yaknow? And a part of me hesitates to write this because I imagine the occasional reader will be somewhat latched upon by this viral thing, or
things rather, Despair, Sadness, Anger, whatever it is that leaves you feeling - off? Off, oy. In any case I've decided to get it all out, but I'm whiting the text. So if you wanna read then highlight, if not then good for you, the zero-contrast between font and background saves you exposure to nasty stuff. Saves? Saved? Is saving? Whatever.
How do I start... well for a long time now I've been not wanting to hang around the family when it comes to stepping out of our house. And 9 out of 10 times, I end up heaving my ass along, with or without a protest. Sometimes I end up having fun, but it always, always ends in a deep frustration. I just got to summarize it:Look Darlings, I love you and all. I really do, and its such a deep and powerful love that I won't bother trying to express it in words. You gotta have felt it already, cos if you don't then I don't know what to say. But truth is, let's skip the Outings and Holidays and Hangouts, alright? They just don't work out. If you really need company, find it elsewhere. I'm downright convinced that, at the very least, OUR (to be fair I've included myself) character types just don't go. Not hard to understand, no?Its a plain fact that everytime I got out with yall its full of stuff you DON'T wanna do when you go out, and I'm forced to say this: I can't stand the fact that we gotta eat stuff that's bad for our body, however little you might realize. I've told you I don't like it, I've made it clear that you shouldn't be shoving your mouths with all that crap, but, araknow, you's a bit thicks, methinks? Not that that's a bad thing, I mean come to think of it, its me who's telling you all this; I understand its hard to digest or take seriously anything that comes from me, especially when it goes against the grain of whatever's been nailed down in yer heads.That disbelieve when I say I can lift a hundred kilos; the 'advice' that I shouldn't. The questions about my diet, the ignoring me when I try to tell you something you fucking NEED to know, DAMNIT. I could go on.So listen, as far as being a son/brother/whatever else I am to you goes, I'll do my duties there's no questioning that. Like I've said, I LOVE yall to bits but in noooo part of my 'duties' or obligations am I explicitly asked to hang out with The Family. Read: It. Doesn't. Work. And I don't care if you've got 'better reasons' or whatever. Break the stupid links you've made and go out with YOUR friends; people like you fellas and wanna hang out with yall, so GO already.Unless you effort a change from WITHIN, don't even think things will work out. I'm sick of the 'holidays', the 'outings', the whatevers. To be fair, sometimes things might be tolerable enough, so you get the go-ahead from me. But when I say no, and I usually say No, then suck it up and go on ahead without me. Yes, I've tried broaching the subject; nay, not this subject, but ones of smaller significance. Your capacity to take in what you DON'T like to hear is infuriatingly low. The sudden slowness of the speech, impatience maybe, or the false enthusiasm that drives me up the wall. I've tried talking about so many things, but how you react has always been... disappointing. Not even remotely close to how much I've disappointed you now, let's be clear.But who am I kidding. You won't be reading this, you probably forgot the address of my blog, provided you know I have one. And I don't see myself speaking to you about this anytime in the near future. So since I'm still talking to myself here, let's forget it.This- what, anger? Disappointment? - really gets me going, especially since I'm exerting so much control on myself now. Maintain breathing rhythm now, ok keep that heartrate normal. If anger's a beast that I've roped down that bitch and I'm sitting on its back laughing my heart out.All that said, I don't think what I've written even
approaches what it is I'm feeling. Ah your language,
your fucking language. Couple that with my ineptness and slippery hold of linguistifying, and you get an easily misread, half-strung meaninged paragraph of semi-mismatched words that maybe, just
maybe hint at what it is I'm trying to say.
Credit to you then, for untangling the mess and making the stuff out. If you do. Oh then I'm really thankful, you bridge my mind-things to your mind, if that makes sense? Well I suppose it does if you look at it from my point of view. Hah, circular.
About the word, THAT word, the four letter word. Fuck. Why fuck, why is it so. Why did they associate it with all that's vulgar and unclean. Think about it, fuck is the
perfect exclamation. When you wanna express yourself strongly you need something explosive. 'uck' does just that, but saying 'uck' is like bathing yourself in soup when you're hungry. You might get some and you get a good whiff of what to expect, but it leaves you deeply unsatiated. That was so carelessly put together I'm in shame, but what the heck.
And 'F' is the best way to start. You can put so much force into it without looking like a fool. Try 'P' for a change. Pppppppppppppuck is just
off. So you get what I'm saying.
When I say the F-word here (see its so hardwired I can't always get around it. COME ON SAY FUCK FOR FUCK'S SAKE) yes it is just that, for fuck's sake. Only cos it carries with it the desired degree of weight and Kapow! that ordinary (hah
ordinary) words can't bag. Bag? I wanted to say carry, but does bag fit? We'll leave it.
That said I'm not about to go yelling the word when I feel the need; on a level completely separate from Logic, it just feels
wrong. But here, when I don't know who YOU are, when you're not even sure who EYE am, everything's fine. I'm hungry.
Please take care, I heard a zombie apocalypse is approaching. I really really don't wanna fight with unhealthy people, let alone
no people. Or worse... ZOMBIES! No sense in that. Again, just leave it. Just- yes, YES. Ha ha. Oh btw I finished I, Lucifer just awhile ago, 'twas good. No you don't 'have to go read it!'. Its pretty flavourful in terms of language, and Mr Duncan has no qualms about jumping back and forth between thoughts and sub-stories, so yeh miiiight wanna approach with caution. BUT an undeniably good read. Now for something concrete, like that Freud book on Wit. Its gonna be a good laugh, in a good way. Oh the unintentional puns and ill-chosen words. I should abandon this whole blogging thing till I learn to write properly, but what the heck. That's the fun of it.
Each day I realize what an idiot I was the previous day, but feel relieved that I'm no longer
that idiot. What an interesting way to live each day, its utterly indescribable and strangely I like it. Have a great life, peepers.
Monsoon, like MonSoon, it being Sunday and all
Labels: monstrothimisticism, thoughts
TWAS A SUCCESS! We pulled it off; with barely enough sleep we gymmed our asses off and kicked some butt in the process. Someone's crying for his momma right now. Yeah STILL crying.
The result of it was that I was left extremely tired, hungry and grumpy. And people just
have to be irritating when I'm grumpy. Some things that happened, and what I would've loved to say but didn't. Only cos I'm a nice guy *cue: angelic chorus*
Me and my bros ended up at the library, reading. Mak calls to check on our locomotion. I answer her short question in one word, barely loud enough for ME to hear, and already the genius ass librarian senses something wrong.
Immediately says in her best authoritative voice: EXCUSE ME.
WHAT, BITCH? I'm done. You couldn't even hear me talking. Your frickin' 'excuse me' was a hell lot louder, but ooooh that's ok, cos you're a fookin'
librarian. OOOOOHHHHHH I'm so
scaaaaaared. Oh gosh now look what yeh did, I've wet mah pants! DANG you rock.
But nah I was like: hmm what? as I kept my phone, and she was like 'm oh. ah, ok.' There's only one word for that... and we all know its got to do with female dogs.
Then there's a mother acting all Strict HR Representative, Don't Give Me Shit... with her 8 year old DAUGHTER. Come on give her a break! She's a
girl!Hehehehhe. But seriously, if you ever become a parent, please let your children love you with only love, and not after getting scared shit. It confuses them and they don't know how to react. I know cos I'm still 8 TADUM CHANG.
I found good books today, rilly rilly good books:
I, Lucifer by Glen Duncan. Totally love it.
Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious by FREUD. FREUD IS THE
MAN.
The Ninth Circle by Alex Bell. Not sure about this one but the blurb looked good, the typeface was alright, so I'm giving it a shot.
The Power of Concentration by Theron Q. Dumont. Hahahah seriously. I think its gonna be good.
Just awhile ago I had to help my uncle (Mama) (yeah that Uncle) (hahahaha yeah I told him) get his contacts sorted out on his new phone. I thought it was gonna be fairly uncomplicated, but nooo Apple likes to shit around with you, and they made iTunes which is a steaming pile of crap (sometimes) and get all Creative with their iPoop.
I was happily doing everything when POOF all of my uncle's contacts disappeared. Only one word was running through my mind, and they appeared as, uh, well... f*** bubbles above my head. I was trying so hard
not to think the F word cos its damn unholy so it might just cause things to get worse. Like random lightning strike, exploding speakers. Who can tell. But no it was scary as hell and thankfully Mama sensed what I was thinking. Saved me the embarrassment and stress of having to curse repeatedly in his presents.
I did everything by the book and it STILL fooked up; but in the end all went well and so I know I'll be able to sleep tonight.
AND ALSO! Amazing discovery: when I was in that panicky state, I was TOTALLY normal. In the sense that I didn't speak in any accents, no weird shit, no nuttin' you usually get out of me.
I conclude then that the Billboard me is a sign of total relaxation, when I'm really, uh, well I don't know a good word. Once I stop talking to myself/in foreign tongues/accents/anything you've come across, it means I've gotten serious.
If I've gotten serious, its because I'm:
1) scared shit as hell
2) really too mehh and tired sleepy to give a fk
3) really wanna concentrate on what's going on. This could be if you're talking to me seriously, or someone just caught fire and is running around screaming for help. Be sure I won't start playing the unimpressed Scotsman, yelling things like 'Ahhh yeh wee lad, good for nu'in gob-spi'in fairy-winged
twig. Go boast about yer fire sumwhere ELSE now, yeh dipstick.'
I must really sleep now. In yet another level of Altered / Augmented State of Consciousness. Hell I' gonna sto' ehre.
sleep
Labels: monstrothimisticism, repotr
What goes here?
Well I'll try to simplify things by oversimplifying then convoluting. Ultimate spindry treatment, not too good for your lungs, works all the same.
So what do we have here.
My first flavour is chocolate. It says chocolate, looks and smells chocolate. Kinda tastes chocolate. So its my first, and I kinda like it. Quite sure I like it, look forward to it everyday. First thing in the morning, on my mind throughout the day and waiting for me at night. Waiting for the waking moment when consciousness floods the void through action.
But what if I'm not so sure about it? Will it really work? Is what they say about it even real to begin with. So I don't know. Say, I decide to cast some doubt. So I'll say goodbye to it and live without it, everything else per normal. And maybe if I keep getting stronger, then I'm sure that it didn't work. Was better without it in the first place.
But then someone might come along and use it instead? Could it work for them? Why didn't it work for me? Was my water too cold or too little, not enough mind over matter? Did the plates matter?
And then what. I start feeling like something's missing, and I wanna get back to using it. Can I? Will it work for me this time? Or is it selective, and I'm not selected.
Maybe its the flavour. I gots to get another flavour. But I dunno, I like chocolate. Vanilla is icky, strawberry's too sickly and cookies and cream won't go down as easily. So I'm stuck with chocolate.
Looks like I can't do anything about, just use what I have and go with the flow. It don't matter if I got it or not, cos at the end of the day I will be the judge of me. And I will have my own competition, where I will scrutinize myself then award me the gold medal. Maybe the silver and bronze too, if I'm in the mood.
So I guess then, the question now, at this time of the night, when I'm supposed to be waiting for my next dose, is 'where art thou, chocolit?'.
But of course I know the answer. And goodst shaker, thine mocking stare doth make me weep in silence, the whispers of my soul thy clearly hear. Thine motto of shut up and traineth is truly a guiding light in this tunnel of mine mind.
Hello,
There is no 'me' in 'you'
Labels: monstrothimisticism, no ligaments
