A lotta coupla things on my mind.
First, why is T-Pain carrying a backpack in the 25 for Haiti music video.
Second, I published my novel-ish literary creation, you can read it

Please read it if you have the time, it might be tolerable hahaha. This should've been number first, but the song has been playing and sunging in me the entire day, I had to get it out. Of my system.

We could live a simple life (how this phrase has taken on so many other UNmeanings thanks to some beaches), live off the land, sleep on the soil, bathe in the river, chuck dung at your neighbours, fly around on eagles. That kinda stuff. Life is made for us to survive, there's so many ways we can live outside of the stree and problems we've created and dubbed Civilization. But if we do, then we'd merely be existing. Not living, no, just waiting out our time. Doing what's enough to get closer to the day you die, and not accomplishing anything.

Assuming that was the motivation for us to become what we are today, I'd say purely existing is a better option. I don't like the idea that in the course of our journey to some form of greatness, so many other things and people pay a price. There's a balance somewhere that we've missed completely, or its such a foreign idea that none too many have ventured to that centre point.

But I was thinking; sometimes you gotta go too far to either end before you know where the equilibrium point is. HEY I MADE THAT UP MUAHAHAHHAH REMEMBER IT. 'Tis a momentous occasion, this writing seshen.

I'm still not fully integrated into the whole 'living with people' concept. I liked staying up late for the isolation it gave, now I'm reversing it. Gonna sleep early and wake up damn mother early just so I can be alone again, but without the shit effects of my previous habit.

Because I still need so much time to myself, still think and feel best when I know no one's there to bother me. Its not that I don't want my family; there's a certain comfort in knowing that they're here, even if sleeping, and I don't want to trade that for complete isolation. Not so soon at least, there's too many things to do before I can live alone in peace. I won't find peace if my family ain't in it. Haha IN peace. Lol.

In a family, at least in mine, there are assumed rules and predefined responsibilities. My mother has obligations towards her children (or so she might think) and in turn she expects a certain level of something from us. Technically we could do without this structure, because having lived with Mak for so long, and knowing her role in my life AND its creation, I'd naturally WANT to be the best son I can be. But I don't want to be that kind of son because I'm a son. Get it? I want to be that good person because I want to.

There are other things, too. Like the eagerness of family members to 'help' me when I'm doing something. I could be eating something for that matter, and suggestions would come in, on how I can 'improve' that meal. Or what I should be eating, or if I want something else. You get the picture. I'm not unappreciative, but logically speaking, why give so much 'help' when someone doesn't ask for it. Assumptions and hidden intentions aside, its just a waste of time. You could very well walk up to a stranger and ask him if he wants some of your water; not related to you, no, but he's still a person, there's the whole karma concept, you might marry into his family, yada yada. I might not be making sense, but that might just prove my point: the whole family concept doesn't fit with me.

Which made me consider the possibility that I could never live with someone, in the sense of marriage. How would I be able to share so much with ONE other person? She'd wanna fuss over this and that, would wanna know that and more, and will not leave me alone. Sure if I marry then she's the One person that 'Completes Me' (hahahahh Mr Cruise, you and your sappy line). She might even have had me at hello! (HAHAHAH this is too good). But the fact of the matter is, no matter how much I love someone or need them, I still really REALLY like being by myself. Its something you can't take from me, and I intend on keeping it. Studies have shown that I perform better when alone, so you can't say any 'oh but's about this.

But living by myself? The one thing I have to get used to is the fear. I have a vivid imagination, so you know what that entails. Its not a consuming fear, I can battle it easily, but what if I watch a horror film? What if something nasty just happened somewhere else? Then I come home, and its all me. I could start now and deny that I have a vivid imagination, channel myself into a state of fearlessness, but that would take away all the fun in life. And the ideas and stories swimming about in this head of mine. Sooooo, I'll own a lot of pets.

Cats, that's number one. Maybe hamsters. But lotsa animals to keep my company.

Or I could just be the man I am and nut up. Either way its not a big concern hah.

I've also realized why I don't like talking to people much. There's so many things I have on my mind but people either:
1) don't understand
2) are not interested
3) don't have the time

And even if they do listen and participate, it is extremely rare that what they say is of great significance or help. Point to note: when I have big problems then I really do talk a lot to the necessary people, because I'm done asking myself and need new perspectives. That said, my life isn't filled with big problems, so rarely is there a need for consultations.

My conclusion: talk to myself and only share what people want to know, or might need to know. Everything else is largely one-sided small talk. I hate small talk. I'm quite convinced no one wants to sit and listen to my ideas and 'humour' all the time, and even if they try, they won't go away satisfied. That's unfair, and I wouldn't like that. And no, this isn't a plea or invitation for you to start listening to me in case that crossed your mind. For clarification's sake, I'm quite intrigued by my state of mind and perception of social interaction, its an interesting phase I'm going through. Phase or permanence? We'll only know tomorrow. Yeah hahahhaha. K no.

Its interesting how strongly I have grounded myself in my beliefs and whatnot, but I won't be surprised if several years down the line I find myself a completely different person. Who knows, people change, and for the most part, I'm a person. Maybe not the most part, but enough parts.

I'm gonna sleep, early life awaits. Hahhahahahah that's so vague and misleading. Misleading? Yeah I'll settle for that. In the meantime, massage your eyes, it really helps. And oh, I'm experimenting on myself. I'm gonna do this Will thing, and will myself to be:
1) taller
2) buffer
3) smarter

I believe you can will yourself into doing anything, as evidenced by The Man Who Can Run Barefoot And Mostly Naked In The Snow For Prolonged Periods And Then Runs Some More. And some. Next time you see me, feel free to scrutinize and comment. I'm all about comments. Hahahahhaha I don't quite get that myself. Take care everyone because if you don't, who will?





We are on a bout of destruction and loving it, roger

Labels: linifikation, no ligaments, thoughts