Maybe all males feel this way, maybe its just me, maybe its how my dad is. But a LOT of times I find myself loathing him deeply for things he does; these feelings come as and when he does something that conflicts with my peculiar set of beliefs, though. Nothing like bad history whatsoever. Sometimes I really cannot stand the way he thinks or says things, and treats us. I swear the anger I let myself feel is nearly overwhelming, so hot is its core that I sometimes tremble.
The thing is, moments later I loathe myself for ever harbouring such feelings. 'After all he IS my father.' In a book I'm reading now, 8-9 year olds may sometimes feel this way. They are angry with an adult for something that adult has done which they disagree with, yet think could've been avoided altogether. Example: Mike's dad's conditioned worsens, and he is now wheelchair bound. He can't play ball with Mike, and Mike's ticked off; he thinks his father's submitting to a wheelchair is a sign of weakness or a form of giving up. He cannot grasp the full reality of the situation. And later, he'll get angry at himself for hating his father, whom he actually loves dearly!
As a consequence, a child experiencing such an internal turmoil will try to take it out either upon himself or others. Things he might do include isolation, being difficult, or holding everything in till something triggers an emotional outburst.
And like the children I've been reading about, I find myself in similar situations sometimes. (More about this later.) Everytime I get out of my anger, I tell myself never to get in it again, sometimes it works.
But above all, I feel my love for him is getting stronger. Because of the anger? Maybe. One morning I was in the midst of waking up - yeah it takes me some time heh - when I heard something like a voice. In my sleepiness I couldn't make it out, but as consciousness seeped in I identified it as my father's. He was in his room, on the phone. But the moment I realized it was HIS voice, I was filled with a comfort and reassurance, and I felt awake. I just lay there listening to his voice, the tone and speech style I can identify anywhere.
The same goes for my mother. I can be facing the wall, but feel her enter the room and turn around to find I was right. Sometimes I really want to share all my trivial stories with her, but see that she has work, so I hold back. I know she'd listen if I asked, but that'd be selfish. Instead I find that just being in her presence is satisfying enough.
There's this deep bond between parents and children; strongest with the mother, then the father, and then siblings. Whenever I'm around my family things just feel different. I might not agree with everything they do but anything they do, I think they do it best. No one can comfort me like my mother, no one can hold my attention like my father, no one can irritate me like my brothers hahahahah. Ok wait I owe the two of you something better. No one can sit and laugh with me like my brothers.
And like an 8 year old, I realize some of my anger is cause by my disagreement with the way they take care of themselves. Ultimately it boils down to this: I love you and I need you, and so you MUST be healthy and happy all the time. How can that be possible if you're doing all of this nonsense!
Its really selfish at its core: I want you to live forever so that you can be with me. But to some extent, isn't that what family's all about? You cling on to each other even when you're not supposed to, yet you'd give yourself up so that another can survive. 'But what would that person do without me?' 'His life is still more precious than mine.' It looks like a cycle to me, and a magical one.
Which brings us to the issue we must all face in the end. Our time alive is limited, and someone can be taken from us at the least expected moment. It might sound like a bitter fact. I'd like to therefore bring in what Islam teaches. If you're not a believer, it is not your loss, you are entitled to your views. But if it has a positive impact on you, no matter how small, then I'm happy for you. And if you are a Muslim, then I hope you remember; I'm advising myself more than anyone, but it could do you good.
In akhirat, parents will be able to see their children and vice versa, if the children were obedient and fulfilled their duties. Implication: what time you have here you should spend wisely. Your number one love is your mother. So is your second and third, followed by your father. This is what the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. said, and if you reflect, it makes sense on the deepest level.
Siblings are a different matter. What I know, which may not be entirely accurate, is that you won't see them in the afterlife (please correct me if I'm wrong). I gave this a lot of thought, and this is roughly how it went:
My siblings are the only other people who are really like me, we share so much in common and we are connected on levels we can't perceive. We do so many things together, and even as toddlers we knew sibling love apart from other forms. So my siblings are a reflection of me, and a gift; they are my best companions in this life, I will never find people whom I can be so comfortable with regardless the situation. That means I must shower them with all the love I can give, so that when we are finally apart, it will be without regrets. Each of us will truly be able to say that 'he has gone to the afterlife where he will be happy, and for that I am happy'. Because you are only truly happy when you know your loved ones are.
In case you're wondering, no, I'm not crying. I'm actually frowning. My glasses are smudged somewhere I think, and I'm up too late for my own good. Stomach's rumbling but fingers can't stop a-typing.
Last thing then: about thinking like an 8 year old.
I don't think we really outgrow the difficulties we faced when we were in our latency age. At whatever point in your life I think you will still grapple with some issues the same way, and to some extent, proceed to solve them in the same way you would've at 8. The only difference is that with maturity comes the ability to step aside and reason out with yourself. Voluntary Schizo Treatment hah.
The whole 'never losing that inner child' is just a concept I'm toying with, even only if its because I still see myself as one, still can think and feel as one. I intend to explore this further in due time. Gosh am I hungry.
Stretch EVERYDAY. Its good for you. Don't even think of not stretching... I'm watching.
Could you lend me that helping hen?
Labels: thoughts