How do I start... well for a long time now I've been not wanting to hang around the family when it comes to stepping out of our house. And 9 out of 10 times, I end up heaving my ass along, with or without a protest. Sometimes I end up having fun, but it always, always ends in a deep frustration. I just got to summarize it:
Look Darlings, I love you and all. I really do, and its such a deep and powerful love that I won't bother trying to express it in words. You gotta have felt it already, cos if you don't then I don't know what to say. But truth is, let's skip the Outings and Holidays and Hangouts, alright? They just don't work out. If you really need company, find it elsewhere. I'm downright convinced that, at the very least, OUR (to be fair I've included myself) character types just don't go. Not hard to understand, no?
Its a plain fact that everytime I got out with yall its full of stuff you DON'T wanna do when you go out, and I'm forced to say this: I can't stand the fact that we gotta eat stuff that's bad for our body, however little you might realize. I've told you I don't like it, I've made it clear that you shouldn't be shoving your mouths with all that crap, but, araknow, you's a bit thicks, methinks? Not that that's a bad thing, I mean come to think of it, its me who's telling you all this; I understand its hard to digest or take seriously anything that comes from me, especially when it goes against the grain of whatever's been nailed down in yer heads.
That disbelieve when I say I can lift a hundred kilos; the 'advice' that I shouldn't. The questions about my diet, the ignoring me when I try to tell you something you fucking NEED to know, DAMNIT. I could go on.
So listen, as far as being a son/brother/whatever else I am to you goes, I'll do my duties there's no questioning that. Like I've said, I LOVE yall to bits but in noooo part of my 'duties' or obligations am I explicitly asked to hang out with The Family. Read: It. Doesn't. Work. And I don't care if you've got 'better reasons' or whatever. Break the stupid links you've made and go out with YOUR friends; people like you fellas and wanna hang out with yall, so GO already.
Unless you effort a change from WITHIN, don't even think things will work out. I'm sick of the 'holidays', the 'outings', the whatevers. To be fair, sometimes things might be tolerable enough, so you get the go-ahead from me. But when I say no, and I usually say No, then suck it up and go on ahead without me. Yes, I've tried broaching the subject; nay, not this subject, but ones of smaller significance. Your capacity to take in what you DON'T like to hear is infuriatingly low. The sudden slowness of the speech, impatience maybe, or the false enthusiasm that drives me up the wall. I've tried talking about so many things, but how you react has always been... disappointing. Not even remotely close to how much I've disappointed you now, let's be clear.
But who am I kidding. You won't be reading this, you probably forgot the address of my blog, provided you know I have one. And I don't see myself speaking to you about this anytime in the near future. So since I'm still talking to myself here, let's forget it.
This- what, anger? Disappointment? - really gets me going, especially since I'm exerting so much control on myself now. Maintain breathing rhythm now, ok keep that heartrate normal. If anger's a beast that I've roped down that bitch and I'm sitting on its back laughing my heart out.
All that said, I don't think what I've written even approaches what it is I'm feeling. Ah your language, your fucking language. Couple that with my ineptness and slippery hold of linguistifying, and you get an easily misread, half-strung meaninged paragraph of semi-mismatched words that maybe, just maybe hint at what it is I'm trying to say.
Credit to you then, for untangling the mess and making the stuff out. If you do. Oh then I'm really thankful, you bridge my mind-things to your mind, if that makes sense? Well I suppose it does if you look at it from my point of view. Hah, circular.
About the word, THAT word, the four letter word. Fuck. Why fuck, why is it so. Why did they associate it with all that's vulgar and unclean. Think about it, fuck is the perfect exclamation. When you wanna express yourself strongly you need something explosive. 'uck' does just that, but saying 'uck' is like bathing yourself in soup when you're hungry. You might get some and you get a good whiff of what to expect, but it leaves you deeply unsatiated. That was so carelessly put together I'm in shame, but what the heck.
And 'F' is the best way to start. You can put so much force into it without looking like a fool. Try 'P' for a change. Pppppppppppppuck is just off. So you get what I'm saying.
When I say the F-word here (see its so hardwired I can't always get around it. COME ON SAY FUCK FOR FUCK'S SAKE) yes it is just that, for fuck's sake. Only cos it carries with it the desired degree of weight and Kapow! that ordinary (hah ordinary) words can't bag. Bag? I wanted to say carry, but does bag fit? We'll leave it.
That said I'm not about to go yelling the word when I feel the need; on a level completely separate from Logic, it just feels wrong. But here, when I don't know who YOU are, when you're not even sure who EYE am, everything's fine. I'm hungry.
Please take care, I heard a zombie apocalypse is approaching. I really really don't wanna fight with unhealthy people, let alone no people. Or worse... ZOMBIES! No sense in that. Again, just leave it. Just- yes, YES. Ha ha. Oh btw I finished I, Lucifer just awhile ago, 'twas good. No you don't 'have to go read it!'. Its pretty flavourful in terms of language, and Mr Duncan has no qualms about jumping back and forth between thoughts and sub-stories, so yeh miiiight wanna approach with caution. BUT an undeniably good read. Now for something concrete, like that Freud book on Wit. Its gonna be a good laugh, in a good way. Oh the unintentional puns and ill-chosen words. I should abandon this whole blogging thing till I learn to write properly, but what the heck. That's the fun of it.
Each day I realize what an idiot I was the previous day, but feel relieved that I'm no longer that idiot. What an interesting way to live each day, its utterly indescribable and strangely I like it. Have a great life, peepers.
Monsoon, like MonSoon, it being Sunday and all
Labels: monstrothimisticism, thoughts