You know I thought I figured myself out in JC; to a great extent I did. I had a good idea of how I ticked, what I found important what I wanted and how I wanted to see myself everyday and in the future. I also thought I had my Ambition figured out: Ruler of the World, famous guy or something.
Then bit by bit I questioned these goals and sorta refined them. Famous Guy became Hmmm maybe not so famous, I don't want my kids to have a hard time just getting to school. I wanna be able to go shopping without people getting all paparazzi on me.
I went from Ruler of the World to One of the Awesome People of the World, Cos There Are Many Awesome People Around and We Need to Unite. Then I listened to what people had to say about that, read this and that, and then more questions appeared like out of
nowhere.
How do I wanna influence the world. Do I really want to change this and that? Do these things even need to change to begin with? How do I know I'm changing things for the BETTER? And one of the hardest questions was Can I do all these things and still be a good Muslim?
Somehow along the way faith became a very important part of the equation; I began to feel so inadequate and unprepared for so many things, let alone the hereafter. I pictured my future self, then tried to imagine if that me could face pious people, if that me could stand in front of many and not feel like a shortcoming personified. Whether that me could say I really did achieve all that I want and most importantly,
need. Would my parents be proud? Why? What would regular people think of me? There will most definitely be a teenager who sorta resembles me in my thinking and he'll look at Fawaz and ask questions that I can only hope to answer.
And then today at the mosque Ustaz Noor Tijany who, by the way, is an awesome man, mentioned something about it being stupid to put too much emphasis on chasing duniawi goals. That made me realize that a lot of the Self Figuring Out things I had done was very much duniawi based; yes, working is a form of ibadat, helping people is good, but is that really the kind of LIFE I want? Am I really that kind of person?
Then I zoomed out and asked myself, 'hEy FawAz whY do yOu waNna be famOUs anD stuFf. whY do yOU waNt peOpLe to Know?'
Affirmation. That's the crux of it. Its some ego deficiency or something; knowing full well that I have achieved something is not good enough. Knowing that those close to me know is
still not good enough. Somehow I have this innate desire to prove to Others that I'm capable of this and that. Somehow at the back of my mind I'm affected by remarks I've heard and hear once in awhile, that reflect people's perceptions of so many things:
Dark skinned boy, probably not very smart.
Indian? Probably has an Indian accent and can't speak well.
Indian? Probably can't dress well.
Asian? Probably not very brave and whatever.
He looks dumb, I bet he's dumb.
He's just a sergeant, *insert assumptions here*
Probably becoming a teacher cos he couldn't get into another university
Probably not very smart cos of his school results
All talk no quality
Doesn't look very strong to me
He's got a unibrow, that's so douchey, I bet he's a douche
Wow that's a dumb sounding name, HAH
(At this point I was interrupted, had to do some favours for my family and stuff, broke my fast prayed and now, over three hours later, I'm here to resume the post. *inhales* K shit where was I...)
It disturbed me quite a bit when I realized that I was always trying to prove something to a someone that wasn't always
there. Sometimes it was a little simpler, I did something that I was proud of and I felt that it had some magical value to it, and so must be shared. I didn't really get it. Heck I still don't quite get it. I'll break it down again anyway, it might help me shed some light on my personality/psyche/wtv.
I have many insecurities and though I've overcome some, the others I know are REAL weaknesses. People close to me might not see it as a weakness but my guess that it purely by virtue of our relationship. Strangely though some others (as well as some close people) do not
notice my weaknesses. They might be super obvious to me, but not others. So I ask, is it because:
1 - These people are not observant enough
2 - They haven't known me long enough
3 - It really isn't a weakness; I'm just nuts
4 - It isn't a significant weakness
5 - Only applies to the Close People: they do not notice or cannot notice
because they are close to me
So I still can't figure it out... whatever. Still, I made it a point to find some sort of temporary resolution to this. Or maybe not. I just knew I needed some kinda patch to cover things up so I can move on. And I settled on this:
Whatever. I'll just be me and do what I have to do. If people pick on me, whatever, if people make fun of me, whatever. I can be humiliated in front of the whole world and though it will suck, I will do my best not to give a damn. Cos ultimately it doesn't make a difference; its all just emotions. And ultimately, those with enough sense and with the right values will not aim for my weaknesses to begin with! These are the people who care about other people, these are the people whom I should be around and they are the ones who will support me through anything.
That felt more concrete in my head now that I've typed it out.
(Okay more interruptions. I went to finish my exercise and have another dinner lol. And now, another two hours later...)
And one day I had an epiphany (I think it was one of those); I realized (I'M ALWAYS REALIZING THINGS WWWWWAAAALLLAUUU EHHHHH. Okay its not a bad thing...) I wanted to be a part of something big. I rillyrillyrilly wanna be a Mover and a Shaker and one of the people behind this super movement or something. I want meaning in my life! I want to live with the knowledge that I served a great purpose in my life, that I utilized myself to my maximum capacity, that I was
important, even if people didn't know! Because there'd probably be records somewhere and my name would be there heh.
And then...
AND THEN.
I was like... holy...! I already
am a part of something marvelous!
I am a Muslim.
When I watch videos of Islam, people talking about it, about converts and their stories, about young children reading the Quran, about ANYTHING, it strikes me that this is such a SUCH A beautiful religion. Its POWERFUL and COMPLETE and magical and so unifying... and I'm a part of it! And as a Muslim, I'm automatically connected to all my Muslim brothers and sisters. Wherever I am if I meet a Muslim I will be welcomed like family. Everywhere I go if there is Islam I'll feel right home. In every little thing you can see God's Greatness. And if something you do is not seen by anyone, it is seen by Him, and if you do anything in His name, it is a noble thing.
So there, like a chunk of me felt complete. Suddenly I felt whole without knowing there was some kind of gap somewhere. And so I knew which direction I should go in terms of thinking about my future. True, some questions remain unanswered, I still don't get my gratification part, but I have a more focused direction now.
Again, I didn't realize how incomplete or hazy my old vision was until then.
And so since then I've been thinking... how do I want to develop myself? A part of me is seriously considering following the footsteps of great scholars like Sheikh Ahmad Deedat and Dr Zakir Naik. These men practice Jihad everyday, spreading God's word and clearing misconceptions and uniting the people of the book. Most importantly, these men are influential. They cause good change and the world is a better place because of them and what they did, with Allah's permission.
I'm thinking about it now, and I think, if I were to be a scholar or someone who spreads God's word - maybe not even on such a large scale, maybe just an Ustaz or something - I will be deeply satisfied... Yes, even if no one knew who I was. Even if I wrote hundreds of books that helped lots of people and they could see me on the streets and have no idea who this Indianish guy is. Yes I think I would be very satisfied.
That would be a very big step to take. I don't know. I think money is out of the equation already. Once I wanted to be kinda wealthy. Not super affluent but comfortable and enough to do cool things like have a computer room in my house with an awesome gaming rig and consoles and surround sound and people would come over to play and I'd have my own gym equipment and a nice house that's eco friendly. I'd be able to dress comfortably yet not extravagantly but qualitily (I just made that word up. It is an awesome word) I'd be able to buy software and stuff to support developers and writers whom I think deserve it. I could build schools and hospitals and clean up poor areas and give them what they need to live comfortably and healthily without losing the lifestyle they love. I'd be able to give scholarships to awesome young minds, do lots of cool things for kids everywhere.
But no, I don't need all that money. It would be nice, it is something I want, but not something I need. There are many ways of getting things done. If I am influential, I could move the wealthy and the creative into acting, I could be the inspiration for some rich man to do something awesome. I might not have a lot of money myself but it'd be okay. There are tons of people who live happily without some of the comforts that I'm enjoying now, so there's no reason whatsoever to get all fussy about money.
I think this post is long enough. I've gone through so many tenses and had so many breaks I have a feeling this whole thing is just one looong convoluted text lol. Time to do other things.
I hop, it mad, you thin
