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Waist of Thyme Luol
Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 12:23 AM

I just looked through the recent keyword analysis section of my statcounter... I have NO idea how people can search for things like:

ecstasy animated gif
super sideburns
uni-brow -female -girls -woman -b***s -p**** -she -her -COSTUME

...and land on my blog. Okay come to think of it sideburns and unibrow kinda makes sense. There's other weird shit but nahh too much to mention.

I didn't realize my pants were waist 29 until I checked em just now. They were ALMOST lose hahahahahaha I could drive myself crazy with numbers. Now I'm 65-66kg. I hap no idear woat is happeening to mai boday but I'm just going with the flow and eating anything and everything like a monster, for now.

Oh and I don't ever want to grow up to be That Annoying Old Man at the Mosque hehehe. Its an inside joke with myself that I shouldn't share with anyone cos its like gossip I think. I can always choose to ignore me, see. Did I lose myself there? Haha that's like that song!





Miss Isle

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Skinny Arse Buoy
Wednesday, August 24, 2011 at 11:36 PM

I've lost a terrible amount of weight. Idk I'm 65 now, at one point I was 65 and bigger.

EVERYONE who's hasn't seen me in, like, more than two days says I've lost a lotta weight. Srsly.

I'm skinny ass now. I used to fill the sleeves of some shirts. Now they just hang around in my wardrobe laughing at me behind my back.

I thought I'd have lost a lotta strength as well but strangely that's not the case.

Which leaves me mightily puzzled. I tried figuring out, and this is the best I can come up with:
FIRST back injury, leading to a relatively long absence from the gym and whatever training actually.
SECOND the burn on my shoulder; I couldn't really move my arm much or perspire a lot. Again, Training's like where the heck are you boy?
THIRD Ramadhan; not cos of fasting! In fact I bulked just a liiiiitle during the early days, then due to a SEVERE lack of sleep and rest I couldn't exercise as much and I felt pooped everyday and THEN I exercised some more and I think my body just gave up or sth. And I had a new diet I followed; I guess it got me lean but failed to overcompensate for the lack of other things so maybe I underate at one point. Now I don't give a shit, I eat anything and everything. Haha.

I was thinking hey since I lost a lotta weight maybe this should be the running phase of my life. Train and get a super awesome 2.4 km timing then get back to gymming.

Then I thought about it and went SCREW IT I hate being small. I hate swimming in my clothes.

I wanted to write this for so long but always tried to 'prioritize' and spend my time wisely. This morning I thought oh what the heck, it isn't really important, its not like one million plus people read your blog anyway. But I still wanted that satisfaction of putting it out there. Haha I'll resolve that bit of me some other time.

SPEED BLOGGING

And so I've decided to start gymming asap, three times a week for ten weeks, then break for a week then maybe back to my five day split. Come on muscles I'm counting on you to GROOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

And that song Jenny by The Click Five? There's this line, 'Jenny, you got me on my knees'. I think its supposed to be the other way round: 'Jenny I've got you on your knees'. Just sayin. AWWWW YECHHHHHH PTOOEY YUKCKYCK YUCK YUCK





Grow Grow Grow your Both

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Creatin[e/g]
Sunday, August 14, 2011 at 4:23 PM

For some reason I feel I suddenly have a lot to say, and some of it quite meaningful! If you wanna skip to the meaningful part then scroll till you see the big red title.

First I'd like to say...

How the HECK did I come up with 300+ posts on my old blog?! Its... ridiculous. Plus I know most of it is nonsense. Oh the yech-writing of my early adolescent days. I swear, I'd hit the younger me if I ever saw him running around somewhere. Gosh I should stop thinking about old me (haha irony!) before I get overly ANNOYED.

NOW. Finally I remember to write this. You know the I Quit smoking ad on tv? Shows ppl telling why they wanna quit smoking then there's this step cool sped up photo transition something whatever ppl hand moving like away and then yeah I Quit.

I found some of the reasons quite dumb. Okay just one actually. I wish to quit because: I want to achieve my aspirations.

What? Seriously? Stop and think, that doesn't make complete sense. I mean it makes half sense, but the fact is its a fricking simple question to answer so you don't give half-answers. My guess is that boy's a JC or poly or step pandai kid who wants to sound smart on tv so he was like hmm what big word shall I use? Then I guess he came up with a few decent lines but went like Nahh I can't spell that word (cos you gotta write it on your shirt when filming your part) and then ah yeah aspirations! Cos the front of the word is 'as', which, I think, I can relate to! Many successful people smoke; smoking is not a direct hindrance to your aspiration unless you aspire to stop smoking...

-_-

I don't usually do that, do I... Dammit.

And then there's the Indian guy. I found his quite funny. I don't mean to offend anyone btw k, just trying to be funny. (*gulp*)

I quit because my wife refused to kiss me.

And then fast forward to three months later:

I've been smoke-free for three months now. My wife still refuses to kiss me. FLIPPING WASTE OF MY ENERGY I SHOULD HAVE JUST CONTINUED SMOKING.

Ok on to the meaningful part.

MEANINGFUL PART

You know I thought I figured myself out in JC; to a great extent I did. I had a good idea of how I ticked, what I found important what I wanted and how I wanted to see myself everyday and in the future. I also thought I had my Ambition figured out: Ruler of the World, famous guy or something.

Then bit by bit I questioned these goals and sorta refined them. Famous Guy became Hmmm maybe not so famous, I don't want my kids to have a hard time just getting to school. I wanna be able to go shopping without people getting all paparazzi on me.

I went from Ruler of the World to One of the Awesome People of the World, Cos There Are Many Awesome People Around and We Need to Unite. Then I listened to what people had to say about that, read this and that, and then more questions appeared like out of nowhere.

How do I wanna influence the world. Do I really want to change this and that? Do these things even need to change to begin with? How do I know I'm changing things for the BETTER? And one of the hardest questions was Can I do all these things and still be a good Muslim?

Somehow along the way faith became a very important part of the equation; I began to feel so inadequate and unprepared for so many things, let alone the hereafter. I pictured my future self, then tried to imagine if that me could face pious people, if that me could stand in front of many and not feel like a shortcoming personified. Whether that me could say I really did achieve all that I want and most importantly, need. Would my parents be proud? Why? What would regular people think of me? There will most definitely be a teenager who sorta resembles me in my thinking and he'll look at Fawaz and ask questions that I can only hope to answer.

And then today at the mosque Ustaz Noor Tijany who, by the way, is an awesome man, mentioned something about it being stupid to put too much emphasis on chasing duniawi goals. That made me realize that a lot of the Self Figuring Out things I had done was very much duniawi based; yes, working is a form of ibadat, helping people is good, but is that really the kind of LIFE I want? Am I really that kind of person?

Then I zoomed out and asked myself, 'hEy FawAz whY do yOu waNna be famOUs anD stuFf. whY do yOU waNt peOpLe to Know?'
Affirmation. That's the crux of it. Its some ego deficiency or something; knowing full well that I have achieved something is not good enough. Knowing that those close to me know is still not good enough. Somehow I have this innate desire to prove to Others that I'm capable of this and that. Somehow at the back of my mind I'm affected by remarks I've heard and hear once in awhile, that reflect people's perceptions of so many things:
Dark skinned boy, probably not very smart.
Indian? Probably has an Indian accent and can't speak well.
Indian? Probably can't dress well.
Asian? Probably not very brave and whatever.
He looks dumb, I bet he's dumb.
He's just a sergeant, *insert assumptions here*
Probably becoming a teacher cos he couldn't get into another university
Probably not very smart cos of his school results
All talk no quality
Doesn't look very strong to me
He's got a unibrow, that's so douchey, I bet he's a douche
Wow that's a dumb sounding name, HAH

(At this point I was interrupted, had to do some favours for my family and stuff, broke my fast prayed and now, over three hours later, I'm here to resume the post. *inhales* K shit where was I...)

It disturbed me quite a bit when I realized that I was always trying to prove something to a someone that wasn't always there. Sometimes it was a little simpler, I did something that I was proud of and I felt that it had some magical value to it, and so must be shared. I didn't really get it. Heck I still don't quite get it. I'll break it down again anyway, it might help me shed some light on my personality/psyche/wtv.

I have many insecurities and though I've overcome some, the others I know are REAL weaknesses. People close to me might not see it as a weakness but my guess that it purely by virtue of our relationship. Strangely though some others (as well as some close people) do not notice my weaknesses. They might be super obvious to me, but not others. So I ask, is it because:
1 - These people are not observant enough
2 - They haven't known me long enough
3 - It really isn't a weakness; I'm just nuts
4 - It isn't a significant weakness
5 - Only applies to the Close People: they do not notice or cannot notice because they are close to me

So I still can't figure it out... whatever. Still, I made it a point to find some sort of temporary resolution to this. Or maybe not. I just knew I needed some kinda patch to cover things up so I can move on. And I settled on this:

Whatever. I'll just be me and do what I have to do. If people pick on me, whatever, if people make fun of me, whatever. I can be humiliated in front of the whole world and though it will suck, I will do my best not to give a damn. Cos ultimately it doesn't make a difference; its all just emotions. And ultimately, those with enough sense and with the right values will not aim for my weaknesses to begin with! These are the people who care about other people, these are the people whom I should be around and they are the ones who will support me through anything.

That felt more concrete in my head now that I've typed it out.

(Okay more interruptions. I went to finish my exercise and have another dinner lol. And now, another two hours later...)

And one day I had an epiphany (I think it was one of those); I realized (I'M ALWAYS REALIZING THINGS WWWWWAAAALLLAUUU EHHHHH. Okay its not a bad thing...) I wanted to be a part of something big. I rillyrillyrilly wanna be a Mover and a Shaker and one of the people behind this super movement or something. I want meaning in my life! I want to live with the knowledge that I served a great purpose in my life, that I utilized myself to my maximum capacity, that I was important, even if people didn't know! Because there'd probably be records somewhere and my name would be there heh.

And then...

AND THEN.

I was like... holy...! I already am a part of something marvelous!


I am a Muslim.

When I watch videos of Islam, people talking about it, about converts and their stories, about young children reading the Quran, about ANYTHING, it strikes me that this is such a SUCH A beautiful religion. Its POWERFUL and COMPLETE and magical and so unifying... and I'm a part of it! And as a Muslim, I'm automatically connected to all my Muslim brothers and sisters. Wherever I am if I meet a Muslim I will be welcomed like family. Everywhere I go if there is Islam I'll feel right home. In every little thing you can see God's Greatness. And if something you do is not seen by anyone, it is seen by Him, and if you do anything in His name, it is a noble thing.

So there, like a chunk of me felt complete. Suddenly I felt whole without knowing there was some kind of gap somewhere. And so I knew which direction I should go in terms of thinking about my future. True, some questions remain unanswered, I still don't get my gratification part, but I have a more focused direction now.

Again, I didn't realize how incomplete or hazy my old vision was until then.

And so since then I've been thinking... how do I want to develop myself? A part of me is seriously considering following the footsteps of great scholars like Sheikh Ahmad Deedat and Dr Zakir Naik. These men practice Jihad everyday, spreading God's word and clearing misconceptions and uniting the people of the book. Most importantly, these men are influential. They cause good change and the world is a better place because of them and what they did, with Allah's permission.

I'm thinking about it now, and I think, if I were to be a scholar or someone who spreads God's word - maybe not even on such a large scale, maybe just an Ustaz or something - I will be deeply satisfied... Yes, even if no one knew who I was. Even if I wrote hundreds of books that helped lots of people and they could see me on the streets and have no idea who this Indianish guy is. Yes I think I would be very satisfied.

That would be a very big step to take. I don't know. I think money is out of the equation already. Once I wanted to be kinda wealthy. Not super affluent but comfortable and enough to do cool things like have a computer room in my house with an awesome gaming rig and consoles and surround sound and people would come over to play and I'd have my own gym equipment and a nice house that's eco friendly. I'd be able to dress comfortably yet not extravagantly but qualitily (I just made that word up. It is an awesome word) I'd be able to buy software and stuff to support developers and writers whom I think deserve it. I could build schools and hospitals and clean up poor areas and give them what they need to live comfortably and healthily without losing the lifestyle they love. I'd be able to give scholarships to awesome young minds, do lots of cool things for kids everywhere.

But no, I don't need all that money. It would be nice, it is something I want, but not something I need. There are many ways of getting things done. If I am influential, I could move the wealthy and the creative into acting, I could be the inspiration for some rich man to do something awesome. I might not have a lot of money myself but it'd be okay. There are tons of people who live happily without some of the comforts that I'm enjoying now, so there's no reason whatsoever to get all fussy about money.

I think this post is long enough. I've gone through so many tenses and had so many breaks I have a feeling this whole thing is just one looong convoluted text lol. Time to do other things.





I hop, it mad, you thin

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Like A Biskit
Friday, August 5, 2011 at 4:02 PM

That's what the remaining scab on my wound is like. I'm SO tempted to peel it off but I know I musn't. Just gonna leave it there... maybe peck at it just a little bit every once in awhile. Yaknow, make it come off faster. Summat like that.

I think I'm getting back my old voice. My tone and thone and this and that has changed since the ole days of blogging. I think its returning to that old school style. Yep. Whatever that means.

My back is being a toot again, but I still love it. Back I'll always love you, you know that. I went to another chinese doctor yesterday and he says its a nerve thing. I kinda found it hard to believe and a part of me refused to accept that the man may after all know exactly what's going on with ma back without doing much. I mean he didn't ask me to bend or this or that or check here or there. The only question was did you fall down? Then it was 'okay sit down face the wall and loosen your pants.'

Hehehe.

No really I had to loosen my pants cos he had to massage my entire lower back. It didn't take very long, in fact it was super speedy. Then he pasted two herb things there.

And today there was still some discomfort and I expressed my doubt then my nenek told me a story of how my grandfather used to have pains in his right knee. It got so bad once that he couldn't walk, yet the doctor said there's nothing, here have some more painkillers. Went to a chinese doctor and the good man said twas a nerve in his back pressing against his bone. He was adviced to go for surgery and that fixed it.

So I realized yeah I should really have faith in the pros. There's a lot that I don't know and something might seem obvious to me but if I knew then I'd realize it'd be foolish to think of it in the same way.... geedit? I think the phrasing was wooooobly but HECK I'm done with that phrase.

Its also got me kinda sad again cos there I was recovering, getting back to exercising. I even made a workout for Ramadhan, and plus my diet it I was sure it will bring awsm results. Then the pain again... I can't wait to get back in the gym, I can't wait to get big and there things conveniently come by and get in my way.

But then I think and I realize this is not a bad thing. If anything, this is a test from Allah. To test my patience, my faith in Him for giving me challenges when I don't know why I'm getting them. And it may have been a coincidence or otherwise that I happened to watch a video of this famous professor who converted to Islam; in the video he explained that after he converted he lost his wife, house and other house. They left him because he embraced Islam. And Subhanallah the strength that man displayed was so wowwish, he could talk about it to everyone. It was a reminder to me that what I'm facing is small. In fact I don't have to look far. I know some of my close friends have or are still experiencing hardships or challenges in their lives, some of which might even overwhelm me. But there they are, still strong. So there is no excuse for me to get upset.

There is a blessing in everything, and maybe its so damn well disguised that you can't see it BUT that doesn't mean it isn't there aha aha am I right am I right can I get a- nvm.

Hasheeeeeshhhhh I forgot the other thing I wanted to write about. THIS HAPPENS A LOT! DAMMIT!

Okay maybe this is it, I can't remember. I had the idea last night to make a list of things I need fixed/solved. In no apparent order:
New speakers
New monitor
More oomph for ma pc. Graphics card or processor or both or what?
My back. lol.
My teeth! They're senget. I think I wanna get braces or sth eventually. Not sure now.
My Muskles. They need to be moored, like more-ed. Yeah like that.
MY PHONE!!!

MY PHONE. WHY PHONE WHY, WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU. I woke up one day and it was all 'Storage card not working'. After one million resets it worked for a few days, then again. It has been unworking since. Went to Sim Lim yesterday to see if they could do anything about it, but nup. My only choice now is the LG service centre.

Oh sheesh yalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll I wanna sigh but I'm holding it back.

I'm writing again. Starting NOW. As in other stuff. Like on a word processor. I just. Could yo- SHH. LEAVE IT. JUST DROP IT OKAY.





Back pain back again hahlolz

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Dry as a Bro
Monday, August 1, 2011 at 10:18 PM


Okay yall take a look at this. Its a quiche (pronounced keesh like oh sheesh yall, that eesh). Look nice eh. Yeah I bet that what yall be thinkin. Good, good. Now look at the other pics.


This was when it wasn't at its driest.

A lil drier. Dayumn should've gotten it in better lighting and colour mode. Also you might wanna scrutinize a bit to check out my arm. Just saying.



This is tonight, really dry, and the light makes it look all messed up.

Still tonight. Don't you just wanna bite it.


Ahh the similarities.





So quiche me.

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profyl

Personal person to myself



this! is!
thimple to use

plural person
klikkthelinkths



therealshard on wp
therealshard on tumblr
therealshard's old bs hahaha
therealshard on purevolume
therealshard on deviantArt
therealshard is everywhere
therealshard is out there
so are all the answers

aintshent history
older than my ancestors

August 2009
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January 2011
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credits
(i don't know these people)

Designer
Inspiration


.