Note to self: next time, don't EVER get a sponsor for ANYTHING unless you REALLY REALLY REALLY need it and have NO other choice. Otherwise be prepared for pressure from your sponsor, in terms of: their expectations (even though they might not know what's going on), their cautiousness, their way of doing things, them wanting you to do things their way, unnecessary intervention, refusal to listen to your explanation then ask the other parties involved and you stand there feeling a little embarrassed and a little violated, on top of the fact that your time is being wasted by someone else's conversation (you HAVE to be there, you can't just walk off. Rude.), and many other things. I might. May. No. WILL. Discuss th- k no. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't think it does justice to the person to have a full psychoanalysis on The Fawaz Study. Instead look there for my account of how I felt and how I slowly uncovered the reasons behind those feelings.

I GOT MY QUEST BARS. They are delicious. I want other flavours and I want them now.

But we all know, there's a time and place for everything and now's not the time to go spending again. Oh money, you evil thing, you.

And I'm definitely not sharing any adults' point of view of life. I'm breaking free of all those bonds of restrictions, amma keep fighting, and none of you gonna EVER make me into one of those other drones you might find yourself a part of.

I'm not alone, that's the THING. I've drawn inspiration from a TON of others who have done it. So who the heck has the right to say I can't be all that and escape all this shit that's getting everyone worked up and not happy?

No one.

Just do your utmost best and leave the rest to God.

I must sleep. Sleep cycles have been extremely poor, although my stomach was ridiculously flat this morning (it kinda creeped me out for a bit) (I thought too too too much sleep would make you fat), and I'm supposed to go schwimming in the morning.

OH LIFE.

I love you.

You are so...alive.

Whey's mai pwotein??

My observations tell me a lot of people have either an unrealistic or incomplete idea of who they are and how they look. Looks is much easily debatable. This is where I get to say the one thing that's been on my mind for a long time. I thought of publishing it on facebook but confirm a lot of my friends will terasa. As much as I'd like them to 'wake up' I don't wanna hurt their feelings. It might annoy me, but its really their bodies and its entirely up to them what they want to do with themselves.

Its not the clothing that makes you look fat. Its the fact that you're FAT that makes you look FAT.

Don't you hate it when someone asks that? They put something on and get all hrmph and sighhh and hmmm.... If they weren't fat, it wouldn't happen that way. Instead they don't want to accept it, or they think its good enough to try and hide it with their clothes. And then everyone must be polite enough to not point it out or to play along.

SERIOUSLY?!

If my haircut is ugly you HAVE TO TELL ME otherwise I might not know, or I might go away thinking hey it wasn't a stupid idea after all, people are okay with it! Yes I would get a little hurt if someone pointed it out, that's a natural reaction, but overall I'm happy that my flaw was pointed out... SO I CAN CORRECT IT.

People today have very loose standards for what is 'fat'. I think its because they want to convince themselves they're 'not fat'. It just takes one look at a person who's lean or fit and their entire point of being 'not fat' is crushed. Buttttt they will argue.

Similarly, people have funny ideas of what's 'big' or 'muscular' or 'buff'. I have a problem with people telling me that I'm big, for the simple reason that I'm not. To an extent comparing will never get you anywhere because There is always someone bigger/better/smarter whatever. But look at a certain group, maybe your peers or something, and you'll see it makes sense to compare like that first before telling someone they're big. And please, PLEASE, even if you think I'm big, do NOT tell me to stop exercising and leave my body as it is. Just... don't.

Honestly I don't know how people can look at their unhealthy bodies and feel happy. Or are they not happy? Or do they not look to begin with? Maybe no mirrors at home? I swear, I've seen some people appear in public with such obvious and simply corrected mistakes (be it in terms of dressing or their face or whatever) that I just can't help but wonder,

DIDN'T YOU LOOK AT THE FRICKING MIRROR BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE?!

HOW CAN PEOPLE WALK AROUND WITH NOSE HAIRS JUST DYING TO SHOW THEMSELVES TO THE WORLD. That is just ONE example of all the CRAP I've seen. Don't ask me to get specific and DON'T ask me about you because if you do then I'll let loose and you'll probably walk away hurt. Unless you want it and we can be cool afterwards. Then I'll REALLY have a lotta respect for you.

At one point it seems that I'm overly obsessed with my image. But am I? I mean really, your image is the one thing you give to people even before you can introduce yourself. Its the message of who you are that you send out to all the strangers you walk past everyday. And like it or not, it reflects the way you think about yourself and what you prioritise. The same way how you eat reflects how you make love, and how you behave reflects the purity of your heart. I could go on, maybe.

What's the deal with people? What are they rushing about with everyday that they don't have time to take care of the most important thing in their life... themselves. Your body is your vessel in this universe and if you don't upkeep it then expect a shitty ride sooner or later.

And also, there's the problem nowadays of being dressed yet naked. Do you get that? Of course you do. I saw an example at the gym just now. I was crouched over my bag getting stuff out when the door to my left opened. Naturally I looked up... I wish I didn't. This malay looking lady stepped out of the toilet, top to bottom in some skin tight dunno what nonsense and some funky looking tudung thing. Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

SE_FRICKING_RIOUSLY?!

Why BOTHER wearing a tudung if I can see the damn shape of your damn BODY! Do people not understand that??? You are supposed to cover up not so people can't see your SKIN, but so they can't see the Shape and Curves of your BODY. It was a ridiculous looking tudung thing she was wearing by the way.

All that said, I'm definitely not perfect nor a good person to begin with but I have every confidence that the issues I just pointed out require plain common sense for anyone to understand and agree to. Its not something controversial or complicated like Politics or Euthanasia. I just wish, at the very least, that the people closest to me and those whom are dear to me do not fall prey to these stupid ideas and that they spare me the burden of having to put up with such ridiculous behaviour on a long term and regular basis. It would make my life hell. And if I can't take it I'll run away to an island and live like a hermit till I can't take it then go somewhere else. Maybe open a 365 gym thing like in the movie Never Back Down HAHA.

Its Fattish, not Fetish

The number one thing is photos. Yeah I know they sound innocent and 'but we need to reminisce and remember this and that' but that's all secondary. Think about it, its not necessary to have a thousand pics from all your phases in life, you'll just end up spending more of your future thinking about your past and feeling things that might not be of benefit to you, maybe even some harm.

THINK: If something really is that important, it stays in your mind.

But let's say you just like capturing the beauty of some moments, you can't really do that in to the same effect in any other form. Okay that's fine. The thing is, stuff gets complicated when it all goes on the net. Once its there, its free for anyone or many people to look at. Let's look at it in 'layers':

-Strangers will look at you and think things based on what they see. That is absolutely unnecessary and sometimes harmful. Say in one photo you have a certain expression. This guy stumbles upon the photo and he might be thinking 'wow she looks hot like that' or 'haha this guy looks low IQ'. In essence you create the opportunity for people to think or even say false things. If someone has self respect and values himself as a person, he would prevent that from happening. 'Liberal' people will instead say 'So? What's wrong?' or 'If God made me good looking then shouldn't I share it with the world?'

Then you think this: cheap things have many buyers, people will just flock to it. Its value is low. You, liberal one, are akin to that. Hey this is my beauty come everyone take a load of it. Not nice.

-You never know what people think of you or how you look in that photo. And sometimes you don't realize you're in a compromising position. What you deem a simple portrait shot might turn on all the girls on the net, then what have you done? In the first place, it was not necessary to upload that shot. I know I said 'capturing the beauty of some moments' earlier, but the fact is people find every excuse to upload everything. Don't lie to yourself, deep down you just want people to see what a good looking person you are. You are attracting attention, you want attention, especially that of the opposite gender. And girls especially, don't be so simple minded and think 'its just a photo'. A guy can stare at a simple photo of you smiling and use that to think all sorts of things, strip you down in less than a second and before you know it you're a part of his fantasy. If he's a hot guy then maybe you'll think heh that's not too bad.

But think again. You are of HIGH VALUE. You are worth so much that not everyone can just get a hold of you and enjoy something off you like that. Preserve your beauty and treasure it! Doesn't it make sense that you need an appointment and all sorts of whatevers just to get an audience with the queen of England or some other important person? This is because they are of HIGH VALUE. And so are you.

And I don't know if I should talk about compromising positions? Okay maybe I'll put it this way: people are very creative and can link anything to... anything. And these are PHOTOS we're talking about, a lotta time to scrutinize and look at stuff you might not have noticed at the time. And then there's the people in the background too... oh God the embarrassment some of them have faced because of someone else's vanity.

-Lastly, this applies to those who really do treasure their modesty. Sometimes pictures still get around, like the other time I was out with a group and we took a picture and then poof it was on Facebook. My privacy settings didn't allow anyone to see it from my profile, but people can look from someone else's! Which is why I'm glad I left my helmet sitting on my forehead, it kinda disguises me a little. But once I wasn't so lucky. Someone snapped a photo of me while I was walking by and then AGAIN Facebook. For every one of his friends to see. I don't like that, its a disturbing idea. This will be especially disturbing for girls who don't usually have their photos on the net or used to be more liberal but have deliberalized.

If that photo wasn't yours to begin with, its still there for people to see. There are many bored people with nothing to do and someone might see it and think wow cute ass wow nice beard I so wanna touch it. Okay beard for guys, not a girl with a beard. And even with all our fancy privacy settings, there are still people who don't use them and continue snapping away and uploading every damn thing on the net.

In person you might be humble and a decent person, but your one million photos on the net don't say so and you can't really do anything about it. Which is why, SOCIAL MEDIA IS EVIL.

There are still more reasons why its evil. It claims to 'connect' when all it does is open up channels of communication so wide that everything and anything is said, clogging the net with loads of useless and stupid information. Status updates on the sandwich you had. NOBODY GIVES A SHIT AND YOU KNOW THAT. Yet people still partake. We will all do these little stupid things and lie to ourselves that we're keeping connected. But that's not it. We will slowly lose the ability to truly care for what's REALLY important, and when we are faced with the reality that helping someone out might entail more than just Like-ing his status or typing out a quick comment, then we might start to see how far we've deviated.

I'm really tempted to deactivate my Facebook account. But first I want to know how I can permanently remove every trace of every photo of me that has been taken. I don't like it. Then once I can establish an alternate route of communication for all those people who might want to connect with me, I'll do it.

Or I'll just use it mostly one-way. Read what is relevant and ignore everything else. No status updates, no comments, no likes, nothing. Its just 'oh this is Fawaz's account. We're not sure if he's still here but just post your events and he'll contact us if he needs more details'. Like that.

I'm sick of a lot of things, I want to cut off these ridiculous things one by one and I hope my family and friends understand. In fact I hope they see my point and take some benefit from it. The last thing I want to cut is a relationship with someone, however small it might be.

Klassik treatment for your ice

This sicky feeling has been with me for awhile and I think I've taken like three doses of Panadol? For a guy who pretty much doesn't like to take medicine, that's pretty far out. And STILL there's feverishness and whatnot. But I don't care, I've already missed one Saturday and I'm not about to disrupt my gym routine just cos I'm feeling a little unwell. Seriously, this is one of the few things I work so hard for. I know what I want my body to be like and ain't nuthin' gonna stand in the way! Not lack of sleep, not enough time, work, school, rain, hunger, nothing! NOTHING! There's really no excuse since I want this so bad.

By the way, I'm really wondering, are many of my clothes shrinking or am I growing? I can't be sure of the latter because I still look small to me, and its not like I've been making giant leaps in terms of progress all of a sudden. And no matter what people say, there are just too many big guys around for me to be considered 'big'. In fact half big is kind of a stretch hahaha. At this rate, when will I stop???

Yet again I'm forced to acknowledge that my mind thinks the most awesome things when I'm floating out of the seat of consciousness. And it frustrates me that I can't recall even three of the one million things I came here to say.

Whatever. The me today doesn't care, bye!

Khat are you talking about?

This left the biggest impression: 'Real fruit? You make such a big deal when your 'food' contains 'real' ingredients? Isn't food supposed to be from real things? This is just ridiculous... [[and you claim to be an advanced people]]...'

That evening, as the sun was nearly set, he stared out of his office window. Beneath him civilization lay sprawled and relatively motionless. There was the occasional semi-organic structure readjusting itself. But other than that... everything was quiet.

He exhaled against the glass and watched it fog up. With his pointer he slowly wiped away the condensation. 'After all this time, after all we have struggled, we have so little...'

The scientist was trying to explain to his colleagues how the fleet was slowly being pulled away from them. The fleet wasn't aware, or maybe just very slightly, but the pulling forces were ever present. Sometimes it seemed they would wait then reach out with long claw-like limbs and scrape the 'surface' of the fleet and try to pull it in. Why didn't the fleet realize? It was a damn FLEET. But on homebase all they could do was watch. They could not do anything, even if they wanted, because the intergalactic federation had made its case clear. No one dared step out of line. So everyday he made calculations and hoped that someday, something would happen and everything would be set right.

Until then, he had other, bigger things, to worry about. He was fighting... Dammit it was hard, the hardest thing ever, but he was fighting. It was overwhelming at times but then there were the neural inhibitors. Even then the relief they gave was followed by a dark wash. Guilt and remorse, over his apparent 'failure' and weakness. The pain would come back, in the guise of an old friend, who was digging into your back as he hugged you. Who was crushing your ribs as he whispered kind words in your ear. His sweet breath strangely intoxicating yet nauseating.

There was much to be learnt, and he feared he didn't have the time. Time. He could go on and on about it but it never made a difference to what he felt about it. He chuckled. It seems like him and resolve were non-parallel lines. For a long time they headed towards each other, then met once, for one glorified instant, before going separate ways and never meeting again.

He felt small... but that was good. That made him happy. And so he retired to his chamber. He needed sleep. There in his pyjamas and under the blanket he looked nothing like a hero. But that was what he was, he just needed to recharge to save the world again tomorrow.

I'm very motivated to get my diet in control, as I've also realized where all the fat is now: obliques. Its damn indian I think, to have fats there and not anywhere else. The front has been compromised a little but not as much as you would think if you'd known how much fat I'd gained. Then again even I don't know that.

I was about to say: I really can't wait to ORD so I can spend a lotta time with my family. Then I thought: NO. Why wait, amma make it happen now.

I really like being around my family, so I'll make it happen. When I can come home I will, when I've had enough sleep I'll wake up so I can live properly with the people whom I love. There's so much to look forward to and I'm so happy, Alhamdulillah.

Once in awhile I can feel it again, that sorta burning feeling in me, like an anticipation or excitement of something big. I want to achieve something like that, to have a big impact on people whether they know its me impacting them or otherwise. The money part I'm still not so sure: do I wanna have a lotta money? Or just be comfortable living like this now. What's sure is that as long as I have enough for everyone's basics, I'm happy. That's the 'minimum pay' I want to make. Whatever Allah gives me I'll accept, however much or little because He knows best. There's a lot to be learnt from people who get so little yet are so happy.

I want to be that kind of happy, and be able to help others feel that way.

Something got me thinking, and I'm still trying to figure out if its true: When you dislike someone, you'll start to find everything they do irritating. Irony is I saw this on 9gag!

Take your vitamins, drink lotsa water and eat your veggies. Stay sharp everyone! Be happy you're alive.

Fahim is lame